Thursday, January 29, 2009

Not my decision

And so it begins.


The same old circle.
The same fucking story.

I don't care anymore.
I won't care anymore.
It's supposed to be over.

The decision wasn't mine to make in the first place, was it?
Never was...
But I accepted it.
I made my peace.
I'm done.

I refuse to fall back into the same role.
That movie's over.
I don't want to play that character anymore.
She's not who I am.
I'm not who she was.
I'm who she became, and she doesn't belong in this story anymore.

...Not like that's going to change anything.
Everything is still going to happen as it wants to.
Or whatever wants it to.
Or whoever the hell wants it to.
I don't fucking know.
It's not my decision to make.
I can only decide whether to care or not.
And I've made my choice.

Now playing: 10 - Call Me Call Me?STEVE CONTE
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


They were two wounded soldiers, fighting a pointless war, out of bullets. Two soldiers talking about nothing at all; unable to ask the other which side he was fighting on, perhaps because they didn’t want to know... or perhaps because it just didn’t matter anymore.

He looked up at her as she pulled out a cigarette from the half empty pack. Half empty. He guessed that made him a pessimist. She closed her eyes as she lit it. He noticed that. That, and the fact that her hair fell about her face in an almost apologetic way while she was lighting it. He said almost because she was too proud to ever be able to look apologetic. Angry? Easily. Annoyed? Definitely. Disappointed? Yes. Sad? Sometimes…. But apologetic? It just wasn’t possible.

She took a long drag and opened her eyes. Kohl filled dark eyes that always seemed like they meant to say something more but didn’t know how to. Or at least that’s how she imagined them to look. A conversation from a lifetime ago floated through her head along with the strains from the music at the bar.

“You have creepy eyes.”

“Creepy? Thanks! What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?”

“Err… I didn’t mean it like that… It’s just… well, they’re too blank. I can never tell what you’re feeling”


Cold water.

She always thought that her eyes were what betrayed her. Years of practice had taught her how to hold that mask in place. Blank and smooth, like nothingness itself. It was the best weapon disguised as a perfect shield. In reality, it couldn’t stop anything. Definitely not pain. But it was proud. And it made the opponent determined to break you. And so, the words got crueller and the blows harder, but as long as you didn’t flinch, you won. It wasn’t exactly a fun game, but it captivated her.

Her eyes were always what gave her away. She could hold back any emotion, but her eyes reflected what she felt. Even the slightest hurt would make them widen, kind words would make them quiver and sometimes they would soften. Luckily, most people couldn’t read her eyes… but she still felt betrayed… and a little reassured. She did not like losing control… but she liked knowing something about her was still natural. Still… human.

And he had said her eyes were blank…

She looked at the man across the table. She couldn’t exactly place the look he had on his face, which bothered her. She was good at reading people. Really good… but when it came to him, it frustrated her to no end that she couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. She sighed and took another drag from her burning cigarette, watching as he lit one of his own.

He wondered what he should say now. She looked like she was waiting for him to say or do something. It was like playing a game of poker and suddenly realizing it was your turn… except the difference was he really had no idea what game he was supposed to be playing right now, and that just made things a lot harder.

He asked her what she wanted to drink and they both ordered their shots. Brandy for him because his throat still hurt. She asked for a Whiskey. Straight. And he couldn’t help nor explain the smile that flitted across his face.

She looked down into her drink with the saddest eyes he had ever seen on anyone. When he called her name, she looked up at him and smiled. And the question he had been planning to ask seemed pointless. Of course she was okay. Didn’t she look like she was okay? A perfect defence he didn’t know how to cross. And so, he let it be, shaking his head as she looked up at him curiously.

Her name. It had always felt alien to her. Yet every time he said it, it felt as if it belonged to her. She really couldn’t imagine being called anything else, though she strongly suspected she would feel the same no matter what he called her. It had always been like that. From the very beginning. She loved the way he said her name…

Oh, but it wasn’t love, she thought as he raised his eyebrow at something she had said. That didn’t mean she knew what it was. Nor did it mean she understood. All she knew as she glared at him while he laughed at her was that it felt… real. Comeback after comeback, and it felt good. It made her feel almost alive. Almost. As he chuckled again, she wondered if he felt the same way. And as he looked up at her with his expression changing from amusement to one that was puzzled, she knew her eyes were betraying her again.

She smiled at him, and the confused look on his face made her giggle, which confused him even further, but he laughed anyway. She didn’t laugh like this very much. And it made him oddly happy to know that he was the reason. He didn’t know why and he continued to bug her about inconsequentialities. She didn’t mind. He knew that. He could tell. Even if her eyes were hollow, they seemed to shine when she argued with him, and he liked that.

She asked him a question. He started telling her about the answer. And both of them skirted past the things they really wanted to talk about. Needed to talk about. Why did he keep disappearing? Why did she never ask him where he’d been?

They couldn’t be on opposite sides, he thought. She was too much like him. And yet, with her blank eyes and distant smile, he couldn’t even tell if she was fighting the same war… and he didn’t know how to ask. But he really didn’t think it mattered very much. At least, he thought as she laughed again and pretended to throw the glass at him as her eyes shone, not anymore

Dead and Alive

She sat up in bed with a gasp. Jet black hair falling into bright green eyes that were widened in shock as she looked about her, breathing heavily. Moonlight filtered into the dark room through the glass windows, lighting up her pale face. With something between a sigh and a groan she let herself fall back into bed.

Just a dream...

Lying still for a while, an arm flung over her eyes, she found herself smiling. "Idiot", she muttered out loud, proceeding to sit up in bed and reach out for the small table by the bed. She picked up the pack of cigarettes and fished around in her pocket. Finding the lighter, she closed her eyes and lit the cigarette. A long drag and a moment later, she turned on a switch, flooding her room with pale blue light.

She pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from a drawer and took another drag as she stared out the window at the dark night sky. And then she began to write...

Another letter you're never going to get.

God, I really need to stop.

Well, maybe this one last time...

It's late and I'm really tired, but I know I'm not going to fall asleep until I finish this... so may as well, yes?

...I dreamed of that day again...

...The funny thing is I saw her so much more clearly than I saw you.

What was she wearing?

I think it was red.

Must have been.

She looked the kind.

No, wait.

It was black.

I remember.

Though it isn't from the dream.

I always have this dream in black and white, which is a pretty funny way of describing it, coz everything is gray.

There is no white.

Not even in the clouds.

She paused here, a far away look on her face and ash accumulating at the edge of the almost-out cigarette. A dog barked somewhere in the distance, snapping her out of her reverie. She took another drag and stubbed the cigarette out on the wall. Shaking her head, she sighed to herself and then continued from where she had left off...

I wonder if you would have still left if I hadn't given you her message...

Before I knew who she was.

I think so.

Or I like to believe I think so.

I don't know.

But Bruce seems to think so.

He says she would have found you anyway.

I guess he's right.


I don't know what I would do without him.

After you... left, he was the only one who I could stand being around.

Everyone else bothered me.

Maybe that was because their eyes looked around for you, but none of the bastards had the courage to ask me where you had gone.

I wanted them to, you know?

It's funny, but it's true.

I wanted them to, so I could tell them about her.

And how you finally got what you wanted.

I mean, it's not like you ever promised me anything, is it?

It isn't like I ever asked for anything...

But God, I miss you.

HE had come by last night.

Just an errand, nothing more.

It always is.

We only meet when I need something from him, or he from me.

It works that way.

Or at least it used to...

It's funny that it's been a year since I met him... and I haven't written to you since...

Do I love him?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

I know he bothers me... and it's not just the stupid pointless arguments.

He's almost as tall as you, though his hair isn't that much of a mess.

He walks like you as well. Lazy long strides, looking not like you ruled the world, but like you didn't care who did.

He smiles as rarely as you did, preferring to look either smug, annoyed or as if there was nothing there at all.

I wouldn't call it blank. Maybe indifferent....

And his eyes... well, his eyes bother me the most.

Coz they're nothing like yours.

They're brown.

An honest trusting brown, nothing like the smirk he never fails to wear!

But... on the rare occasions he smiles, they twinkle... just like yours did...

and sometimes, when it's late, cold and dark... and there's no on around but us, he'll let me in.

Just a little.

He isn't like you on those nights.

He's real.

And he hurts.

And I can tell.

Not like you at all.

Not one bit.

But on those nights, they're not his eyes.

They are yours.

All I can remember is you asking me to look into your eyes while I begged you not to leave...

Every thing else fades...

And I remember why I have to stay away.

Why I don't love him.

Why I will not.

Why I can not.

Though... what I don't really know is if it's despite the fact that he reminds me so much of you... or because of it...


She put down the pen thoughtfully and picked up the lighter again. Lighting another cigarette, she leaned back and looked out the window to see the lightening sky. Another drag. It had now been two whole years. Two years since he marched off after that girl. And she still missed him.

Picking up her cell phone, she dialed an all-too-familiar number. As she waited, she picked up her lighter again, this time using it to set fire to the letter in her hand. It was a fitting goodbye. He had, after all, gotten exactly what he wanted. A
nd her? Well, she mused as she watched the flames eat away at the letter, She'd be okay. Possibly in love with a dead man, but okay nevertheless. Not just a dead man, she reminded herself, In love with a man who died chasing a dead love. Smiling sadly at her ceiling, she lay in bed, waiting for the phone to ring. She didn't know if she loved him, but she needed to hear his voice.

Halfway across the city, a man with tousled hair opened his brown eyes and blinked at his ringing phone. He smiled sleepily as he saw the name flash on screen.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Resident Evil

I have spent all day playing Resident Evil 4. I LOVE it! It is so much fun!!! I think I've played it for over 7 hours today. Leon is really cute. He looks and talks like a typical Capcom character, but you know what? That's all cool. He's still cute. (Though Dante does still win hands down).

But this game is just so stress relieving! (And inducing, but that's a different matter). Every Zombie like stupid villager you shoot makes you feel so much calmer and better. And once you save the president's daughter, running around is not even that scary (yes, company on screen CAN make you feel better!).

Anyhow, I've been streaming the first movie. Am gonna go watch it now. ^_^. Though I've heard there's no Leon in the movies, the lead character is an 'amnesiac' chick called Alice. Hmmm, this should be interesting.


The History Boy

I just saw 'The History Boys'. It's supposedly based on a play of the same name produced in 2005. The movie is about eight boys who are aiming to get into Oxford or Cambridge to study history. The boys are students of a grammar school which is preparing them for the entrance exams. The movie is set in 1983 and revolves around the eight students and their three completely contrasting teachers with the Headmaster and the secretary playing minor roles.

The movie was simply stunning in terms of direction. The scenes moved from one to another with a kind of fluidity that you just can't talk of until you've seen a movie like this. There isn't one moment when you think the camera stayed on a shot too long or the soundtrack faltered. The acting too is praiseworthy, especially considering that it was the original cast of the play that acted in the movie!

The headmaster, Felix, is the easily identifiable conformist. He wants regular, structured and relevant 'education' to be imparted in the school, that - in his own words - can be quantified. The guy who teaches General Studies is known as Hector, by students and teachers alike, and is a not-really-closet homosexual (You'll understand what that means if you see the movie). The regular History professor is Mrs Lintott, who scarily reminds me of our own history prof. back at college, especially at the time of the mock interviews. (I swear, if someone just showed you a 5 minute clip of that bit of ranting and asked you to compare...). Irwin is a young teacher hired by the headmaster to help Hector and Mrs. Lintott prepare the boys for the entrance exams.

That's all I'm going to say about the plot/characters. I think the awesomeness of this movie lies in the fact that it has so many layers. At no point in the movie do they ever explicitly talk about what you just know is really being talked about. However, I think this has something to do with the whole student-teacher relationship thing, because when the boys are talking amongst themselves, they do so with such shocking frankness, I can only fervently hope that it isn't like that in real life!

The boys themselves are endearing and you end up liking them all - even smart ass Dakin and small Posner! Their characters are carefully contrasting, yet they manage to complement each other. There's the guy with the attitude, the jock, the admirer, the sidekick and so on. They all have their own single axis that they revolve around and it's beautiful too watch. You know, there's a line in the movie where Mrs. Lintott tells Hector that students forget that teachers too are human beings... I find this line to be beautifully appropriate here because the teachers in this movie are the complicated, layered people, while the boys are relatively straightforward. Mind you, that's probably just because their lives are not what the movie focuses on, but still...

This movie is more than just about History and student teacher relationships. It's about friendship and growing up and just about life. It's about different characters and how you identify with almost all of them at some point or the other. But more than all of that, it's about the subjunctive and reconciliation between contradictions... and the fact that history is made just like that. By one thing following another...

A must see, and definitely worth more than a one time watch.


Couldn't resist it. If some of our professors had to play those teachers, this is how I think the casting would have been done.

Mrs. Lintott - History prof, or at least how she could have been (or must have at some point).

Hector -A mix of Socio and Torts. Hah! I can actually imagine it!

Irwin - Well, we don't really have anyone like that, but I'd say the closest would be Consti... (However, Irwin is a lot more insecure... and a LOT less colder!)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Lesson no. 11987?

What do you do when you write out an entire post which takes you about an hour only to realize it's full of things you would just not tell anyone?

Laugh and Save it somewhere safe.

In summary: Life is funny, you are not grown up as long as you think you are and that song WILL play when you look at THOSE photos.

Ah, Murphy.

You called?

Crystal Tears

Note: Written in early 2006

Innocent blood, spilled again

Pure white snow forever stained
Crystal tears shatter as they fall
Drop by drop from lives so small
Silent haunting endless screams
Penetrating childish dreams
Silent crystal tears fall
Drop by drop from us all
A whispered word might be the last
Another memory in a forgotten past
No one to follow, no hand to hold
No one around in the quiet cold
Frozen memories are all that remain
As once again innocence is slain
Terrified eyes looking for someone they’ve lost
Till they too are just wandering memories in the frost

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Forgive me

She stood, waiting, at the door; bags packed, dark hair tucked neatly under a straw hat, black shoes buckled, cab waiting and a small piece of paper held safely in her hand, all ready to leave... Yet, waiting. Her eyes fell on the large grandfather clock in the corner of the room as it struck 7 and with tears suddenly filling up in her bright green eyes, she turned and ran up the familiar flight of stairs, throwing open the bedroom door... only to find that nothing had changed. Despite all the noise she had made while packing her things... He hadn't moved.

She stood in the doorway for a long time, watching him sleep. Footsteps echoing in the empty house, she then moved slowly towards the bed. She stretched one trembling pale hand out, and stopped before her fingers touched his dark hair. Short tousled hair which fell over his closed eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she had spoken to him. Was it a week ago? Longer? She didn't know. She shook her head to clear it, but instead of helping, it just made the lights brighter and the pain worse...

She grimaced and then went back to watching him. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep. Calm, and almost content... He reminded her so much of the boy she once knew. She felt something cold trickle down her face. She raised her hand and then with a distant puzzled look brushed it against her face. Tears? Crying? Why would she be crying?

Standing next to the bed, frozen like a frightened child caught in a terrible nightmare, a sob escaped her and she covered her mouth, backing up till she felt the cold wall behind her. He still didn't move. She held her head in her hands, weeping silently until she slid to the ground, her body wracked with sobs.

Things were not getting better. On most days, he barely recognized her. Sure, she still loved him. She had always loved the way he smiled, and the sheepish grin he wore when he messed up something trivial... Loved how clever he was and loved how every single person adored him... loved his voice and the way he said her name...

In fact, that was how everything began. With him saying her name. That was how she had fallen in love with him... and now five years and a million lifetimes later, she wasn't even sure f he remembered what it was... She didn't know if he even knew who she was... and she didn't know who he was anymore...

This ...'impostor' in his skin. Yes.. Impostor. That was a fitting word. He still smiled at her, and his voice was still the same. He was as clever as always and every one still loved him... But... that look was not for her anymore. Now, it belonged to the vague nothingness... And though she could sit and listen to him talk for hours, he hardly said anything anymore. At least nothing that made any coherent sense... and she couldn't remember the last time he had taken her name...

Her hand flew up to the bruise on her forehead, and she winced. He had apologized... and it was not like he had really hit her. He would never do that! It was merely an accident, was it not? He was just trying to get her out of the way, was he not? Besides, when he knelt down beside her, with genuine distress in his deep brown eyes, wasn't that the same old person that she knew and loved? The person he had been before... before his eyes clouded over and everything changed...

Sitting on the cold floor, with her head in her hands, she knew that she had to leave. She could not stay here anymore.
Not with him.
Not like this.
But... she did not want to leave him... Did she?
Could she?
He needed her... didn't he?

A ghost of a laugh followed by a silenced cough. He needed her? Who was she kidding? He wouldn't even notice her absence! It would be days before he figured out she was really gone! And much longer till it sunk in that she would not be coming back...
He didn't need her.
Not one bit.
If anything, she only managed to get in his way...
She was nothing but a liability.
An empty hollow pitiful liability.
One that he had already half forgotten... and the only thing keeping her memory alive was her own presence...

She stood up, swaying unsteadily, her now dull green eyes fixed on a spot in the tattered carpet. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She looked at the tiny piece of paper crushed in her palm. There was just one last thing to do. Slowly, she made her way to the bed and looked down at his sleeping form. Blinking back tears, she put the piece of paper next to his closed fist. Holding it in her own hands, she kissed his forehead and stood up straight again... He stirred, but did not wake up. With a smile wrenched out of hell itself and the repetition of a realization from long ago, she knew she would always love him... Edging away from the bed, she turned to run down the stairs...

This time, she did not stop at the door. The clock struck 8 and the cab pulled out of the driveway.
The girl turned to look back at the house one last time.



Feels like

I don't feel like writing...

I can't read because it somehow seems to require too much concentration.

All I want to do is sit here, staring into nothing, and listening to music. No, I don't want to think either. Thinking too requires effort.

I want to pick up the phone and make those calls, but I can not summon the energy.

I am not hungry, but I'm also not not hungry... if you get what I mean...

I'm not really tired, but I feel exhausted.

I should go out and smoke, since today there's an almost 0% chance of getting caught, but I'm too tired.

I don't want anything right now. Is this contentment? I don't think so. I'm sure contentment feels different... doesn't it?

Doesn't matter really.

I feel so disconnected. In a nice way though.

Am going to go now. It's a very 'Third Eye' kinda day... and I keep forgetting myself.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Pictures in Books...

Originally posted on: 20th Sep 2008.

So do you hide your pictures of me?
Press them in quietly hidden books
In old forgotten cartons,
And all the places she never looks?

Do you smile every time they play our song?
Or do you just close your eyes?
Do you think of farmhouses and laughter?
And cold darkening November skies?

Do you ever think of me?
And all the times that we had?
Do memories of me make you laugh?
Or do they only make you sad?

Did you ever read my letter?
The one I wrote right after we fought
I wanted you to know I was sorry
but in my pride I was caught...

Do you wonder if I still love you?
But I don't think that can be
I jus wrote this song coz, darling,
I was going through some old books you see...


Ashley was sitting at her computer, bored. She was chatting with some girl she knew in school and wondering how to get out of the conversation when she heard someone at the door. 7 knocks. That would have to be her room-mate. She opened the door to let in a visibly anxious Zia.

"Hey", said Ashley as Zia zipped in, picked up a pack of cigarettes and started to walk out. She stopped at the door and turned, a silent plea in her big eyes. Ashley blinked, "Umm, you okay?" Zia nodded and grinned "Yeah, yeah... Coming?"

"Where?" said Ashley, though she already knew the answer. Zia rolled her eyes. Ashley looked back at her laptop and the pending conversation. She sighed, "Okay, but only one! I'm hungry!" Picking up a jacket, she followed Zia up to the terrace.

Just a little more...

So red
So very impure
Right and wrong
I don't know anymore

And she knows
Just one more time
was what he always said
Just one more time
is all she repeats in her head

A little more, A little more
To keep me off the floor
I am fine, I'm okay
Just one more time today

Truth and deception
deception and lies
Are mere mocking words
My, how time flies

She remembers
Gaunt eyes
with the same old dying light
Sparks of hope
that she watched fade into the night

A little more, A little more
To keep me off the floor
I am fine, I'm okay
Just one last time today

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I lay here, too dead to cry
The pain still so fucking loud
Mesmerizing golden headlights
are the last things we ever saw
I raise my hand to shake you
but you refuse to breathe
It's getting darker and colder
and I just can't seem to see...
I hold your hand and feel it vanish
and I hear them whisper that you're gone
But I know if I refuse to open my eyes
I can somehow surely hang on
They tell me that it's time to let go
They tell me I just need to grieve
But how can I explain to them all
With you, I've ceased to breathe
I can still feel the fire
I can hear the voices ring
"Slow down, Please slow down"
rise slowly in the silent din
I stumble through the darkness
I can hear you call my name
Oh darling, I wish I had listened
I am the only one to blame...

Monday, January 19, 2009

You and I, A Different Story

Like a car's darkened windows
You could say so, I suppose.
like you you used to be
By association
I guess I could be guilty.
You never really had to ask
I'm sorry, it was nothing but a mask.
Do you even believe in it today?
Is that the only other way?
It's all I really know for sure
Is that really what I'm looking for?

Just like you used to do
Ah, I'm almost as bad as you
Rings best in the coldest night
Out of mind once out of sight
A Plan
There really is no such thing
Is it Cold?
Oh darling, won't you sing?
Made of scraps, like of metal old
All that remain after the rest you've sold
To remind you of things you knew but long forgot
Always, Until the day you finally get caught


I follow me one by one
Hazy moon, what a tease!
Another shot, another drink
No thank you. Thank you, please.

Chasing silent swirling smoke
We live it, yeah live it our way
Free falling off the highest cliffs
Watch that spot, watch it fade away

And he said, yeah he said
"I loved you once, with all my heart"
and another shot, another shot
You just can't stop once you really start

Laugh away the misery
once it finds, yeah, finds it's way
To lose something oh-so clever
You have to darling, have to go astray

And then you hear the voices whisper
oh, you can hear them all say
"Poor darling. Poor darling"
"She's gone, gone the wrong way"

But the magic in you, it only laughs
And you hold your head up, your head up high
Coz Calvin Keith calls out to you
And you learn to walk on those clouds in the sky

Watch her as she walks out your door
Spinning, like swirling smoke spinning around
She laughs, laughs at all of your hopeless pleas
And you never see, see a single sound

Quieter than a shattering heart
Shattering glass is much quieter my dear
But once it's broken, dance in this darkness
Drink with me, there's nothing left to fear

And they'll call us all sorts of wicked names
but we'll raise our glasses, raise 'em high
We'll laugh at their ignorance
and we'll kiss that same old purple sky

Forget the ghosts, ghosts of memories
that haunt your fragmented confused mind
Watch the pieces fall away bit by broken bit
Let's just leave them, leave them all behind

And you may still cry once in a while
Here's two for the morning, two for the night
Everything will be better, much better darling
With the smoke, see them, see them all vanish out of sight.

Yeah, they'll shake their heads in practiced pity
And we'll clink, yeah clink our glasses high
I'll laugh for us. You, You bring your guitar
And we'll drown out every single strangling sigh!

They'll watch us, watch while we live
And wonder what we're really up to
Another shot, another drink
No thank you. Please, Thank you.

Now playing: Third Eye Blind - Forget Myself
via FoxyTunes


Well, despite waking up at noon today, I did carry out my "grand plan". Left home around 1400 hours. It isn't all that cold here, but being able to walk about at 2 in the afternoon in a sweatshirt feels pretty good. It's almost like you're listening to an inner voice singing happily "The day can only get colder! It can only get colder" over and over inside your head!

Anyhow, I went to the local mall and found out the cost of an iPod charger. I wonder what really happened to mine? I must have spazzed out and left it somewhere. Darn it.

I crossed the road and bought myself a cigarette from across the mall. Walked in a random direction for half the cigarette and back while smoking the remaining. It was really weird. Much worse than even Nagarbhavi can be. I'm reminded of this one line I read in some book that I really can't remember right now.

But wow, the kick I got just from a few of those drags! I can't remember the last cigarette that hit me that way! I dunno if it was because of the two day break or just the thrill of being 10 minutes away from home and smoking on the main road!!! Ha! It was brilliant!

Okay, I have to go. My brother "needs" to sleep. I need work to start soon. Chilling is great and all, but I think I'd almost rather be at college with project submissions in less than a week.

This is a HIGHLY annoyed me signing off.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

khan, priya, gk, sarojni: wt better place in the world

"khan, priya, gk, sarojni: wt better place in the world"

That would be the status message of one of my classmates. The answer is easy, "Pecos, Palace Grounds, Blossoms, Noon Wines: That place".

It's strange how much I miss Bangalore. But I don't really know if it's the city that I miss or the amazing freedom I have there. If I was there right now... I could have been in town, or at least smoking at gate 1. Even if I was in my hostel, I could have been heading up to my terrace for a cigarette and a nice long phone conversation.

Instead, here I am, counting days. I need to keep myself distracted. I need to find something to do. If I don't, I'm going to go insane. I need to 'feed my head'.

Anyway, the plan for tomorrow involves leaving home early(ish) in the morning and going for a nice long walk. I could smoke somewhere on the way... hopefully. I'll carry enough cash for an auto just in case I lose my way, though I do realize if that were to happen, I would just end up wandering around till I found my way back.

I just hope it all works out. Otherwise, I'll have to move on to Plan B. Damn it.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


I'm sitting at home, on 'my' bed. My dog is wrapped up in two blankets and is sleeping with her head in my lap. This is what I missed.

So, the holidays have begun. I don't think anything has changed. It was the same story as it always is. I don't even know why I expect things to change...

Anyway, I just had an entire tub of Strawberry Ice Cream. That felt good. And it really isn't all that cold here. I mean, it isn't nearly as cold as I thought it would be.

It feels really weird though. Being at home. This isn't home. This has been the place I go to in my holidays. For 19 years now. How am I ever supposed to see this as home? Scarily enough, Bangalore is more home than this place will ever be. But I don't really mind. No wait, I don't really care!

Anyway, I shall go now. Am watching Achmed videos on youtube. Haha!

Utterly pointless

I haven't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday, It's almost 2.30 and my cab is supposed to be here at 3, I haven't finished packing, and I don't have locks for my bag nor any money.

Heh, and here I am. Smoking the last cigarette for a long while.



I should go.

Friday, January 16, 2009

An Experiment in November Rain

Let's record one. I love these experiment-like things!! Am listening to 'The Perfect Drug'. hehe. Appropriate?

That would be almost 20 minutes, yeah? Good enough. Track now playing is 'Road Tripping'... Brings back memories... Kay, enough reminiscing!!! Let's make a scene. *laughs*

Wow, that took longer than it should have!

So, the holidays are here. Again. It seems like this trimester just began, but then when I think back, it's been so long! Not in sense of time, but of memories. Well, that sounds gay(not that there's anything wrong with that). What I mean is, it's been a long trimester in term of events. The repeats, Admit One, Strawberry Fields, Rubix, Christmas, New Year's eve, Attendance shortage, etc. You get what I mean!

November Rain. Why would you want it to stop?
I just wish November Rain would keep falling...


Believe me, I know...

I know what it's like when you talk about memories in that rare happy voice and have silence on the other end from your partner in crime... and then the question "When was this?"

Trust me, I know... I know how you feel when you hug someone you care about and haven't met in ages and you see their eyes light up; Everything is okay till you light that cigarette and laugh as reminiscing and the only thing they have to say is "Dude, that's funny... but I really don't remember..."

And you smile and say "Yeah dude... It's cool, don't worry bout it." And surprised as you may be at how you feel, the truth is that it breaks your heart. It destroys something inside... and you walk away confused... You wonder whether anything you ever shared with them means anything at all.

But you know what? That light in their eyes shines for you and you alone. They may have forgotten your words, but you still mean as much as you did, if not more. So never think they care less because they forgot your birthday, exam or even New Year's eve... coz it's still going to be the same voice at the end of the line... and the light is still gonna shine... Even if they can't remember what put it there in the first place....

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Wait

I wait in the darkness
And I wait in the rain
I left once before
But never again
I wait as the sun sets
and I'll be here as it will rise
I wait with the roots
and look up to the skies
I wait in the darkness
I wait in the rain
I wait for your return
and I wait for the pain

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Just another post

"I have to admit that things are getting better."

Well, maybe it's all just a matter of perspective and so on, but it's how things seem to be that's important, right? More than what they are really like. I mean, what are they really like? I dunno. Doesn't that depend on what's important to you too?

I was writing in my diary today. I've written in it twice this trimester. Weird, considering there was a point of time in my life where I used to write in that book at least once a day... Well, joblessness may have increased, but so have ways to alleviate it.

Anyhow, tomorrow is my Fly exam. And I am really really REALLY bored. Was sitting on the roof and talking to Miss Sunshine. It's funny. Realized that we've lived together for almost two years now, and there is still so much about each other that we don't know. I guess it's a good thing. And yeah, there are eighteen years to catch up on, so I don't think we shall be running out of rooftop conversation material anytime soon.

It's almost time to go home, another trimester has ended. At this rate, I think 3 more years in this place will just fly by. What then? Err... I'd rather not think about that.

Anyway, this trimester has been ... ummm... well, can't think of a better word to describe it than the overused 'random', but that's exactly what it has been! IN terms of events, relationships, revelations and general incidents. And I guess what Miss Sunshine said may be right... The last trimester was pretty messed up coz it wasn't random enough. or maybe (once again), it is just changed perception.

I think I've grown up more in this trimester than I have since I came to Law School. Or maybe it's just been a culmination of the last 18 months. Either way, I'm glad. I have not exactly re-prioritized, but you could say I've learnt to "chill the fuck out".

"Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns..."

Learnt the leson Mr. Acosta. Learnt it quite well.

Anyhow, I shall return to Adoption and Maintenance. This has been a rambly last-few-days-of-the-trimester sort of post. Which kinda is what it is... Errr... I should just stop typing now.


Now playing: Pink Floyd - High Hopes
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, January 8, 2009


I learned that

Sometimes when you snap at everyone around you and hate the world, it's just yourself you're mad at.

Sometimes you need someone on the outside to tell you that.

When you do something because you're afraid of hurting someone, most of the time you're pretty scared for yourself too. Because you don't know what hurting them will do to you.

You can't run away... No matter how far you go, what you're running from ends up right behind you.

You are much stronger than you think.
And much weaker than you have to be.

No matter how many things change, some things always stay the same.

These things are things you always knew, but that one funny morning they can all hit you like a sky diving blue whale.

The world is rather dramatic.

The number of coincidences we all live with are too many and too strange to be just coincidences.

Sometimes you can love someone for who they are to you and at the same time loathe them for who they pretend to be.

There is nothing or no one you can not live without.

Decisions can still be good decisions even if the reasons are completely messed up.

The "smart" people you know are often pretty dumb.

Superficiality is not given the credit it deserves.

I like drawing flowers.

Posts like this one sound like corny forwards, but that doesn't make them lies.
Just annoying.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Calvin Keith

I knew a boy who lived on this lane
His name was Calvin Keith
He walked with his head held high
And the clouds below his feet
He was a giddy fool
Or perhaps he was the smartest of us all
For though the world crumbled around
Clever Calvin would never fall
Some said it was because he was dumb
and he never felt the earth shake
Others said it was all his fault
And that he had made the world quake
Calvin Keith the clever kid
He heard every word they said
But he never did anything at all
Not even wish they all were dead
The town, convinced he was possessed
Sought to "save" him from certain hell
But Content Calvin Keith was stubborn
and maybe a little crazy as well
For Calvin Jumped onto a white horse
and laughed as the people chased him around
An just when Calvin looked like he was cornered
He rode right out of town
The people; they were confused
For no one had ever left before...
So "crazy" Calvin Keith
became a legend for evermore...

My Song

I used to sing a song of delight
I sang it every single day
A song of clouds and sunshine
But that was before I lost my way

I went down the path to the woods
Where I was sent to grow
But instead of a left, I chose right
And now I don't know where to go

And there's no one here to ask
I can't find anyone around
The people here are all flying in the sky
Or buried in the ground

I don't mind the foggy road
And I don't mind that it's long
All that bothers me
Is that I no longer remember my song...

Finding Nemo

Dear Nemo,

I wish I knew where you were darling. But don't worry, I will find you. Just hold on, everything will be back to normal soon, trust me... I will never stop looking! I love you. See you soon.

Dear Nemo,

It's been over a year now... Don't worry dear, we'll find you. I am still looking... Just got a little diverted. But who is to say that this way won't get me to you quicker? Just because it is an easy path to get lost on doesn't mean everyone who walks it will lose their way. I'm on my way Nemo... I will find you.

Dear Nemo,

Remember the path I told you I was on? Well, it's kinda led me somewhere else... A place I don't know if I'll be able to leave from. I will find you Nemo. Don't worry. And I will always love you. I hope you are safe. And happy.


Looks like I do have an attendance shortage after all. Family Law. Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it!!!

Okay, I need to think calmly and rationally. I have till day after tomorrow. Tomorrow is a holiday so nothin can be done then. No medical certificate nor any exam dept. begging. And day after, I have till about five. What am I gonna do???

The worst part is I don't remember the dates! Hey! I've missed only 2 classes since sf! And one class where she didn't gimme attendance because I was late. Screwed. Royally. Oh dear, whatever am I going to do???

I think I need to go now... I'll just... chill for a while before I start studying? Yeah. Something like that. For a bit...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I Feel Responsible

It's a little after six-thirty in the morning. I don't really get to be conscious at this time very often. Awake maybe, but completely in my senses? Too much to ask...

Anyhow, I woke up at 0515 and couldn't get back to sleep. Luckily I remembered that I was supposed to present some case in Crim. Usually, I couldn't care less... but with her threat of "cutting attendance" and my already dead and rotting record this trim (in attendance), I decided to read the case.

Now, my real purpose of not trying to get back to sleep was that this way I would have enough time to "prepare" myself for class... But you know what? Waking up early is strange. It made me rethink the plan... without the usual guilt-trip. I guess insomnia has a larger role to play in over-indulgence than most people realize.

Right now, I'm listening to music and watching the sky grow lighter and lighter... and it's okay. It really is. Sure, I'm not thinking about things I should be thinking about... But cut me some slack here! I'm just a beginner.

I still want to go home... though my reasons have changed. That doesn't mean I've figured out how I'm going to survive for two months without snapping at everything that moves. Nor how I'm going to make it through the day without a single drag. Of any sort. But... I'll manage. At least, I hope I will.

P.S. When I tried to look for a mood on facebook that said "responsible", this is one of the search results:

Enough said.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Sober - Tool


There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every step I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called must we
just before the son has come.

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.

Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but the past and done.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but the past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever.
I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust Me.

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever.
I just want to start this over.

I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.


Sympathy unavailable

I'll cry with you if I have to
I'll try and make you laugh
I'll stand by you if you feel alone
I'll be your company
I'll sit with you when you want to cry
I'll try and convince you that your life is worth living

But if you want sympathy, go somewhere else.

Don't expect me to feel sorry for you
Don't expect me to try and snatch that rope away from your hands
Don't expect me to cry because you think you can't "be strong anymore"
Don't expect me to beg you to stop hurting yourself in the ways I do to myself just so you can make a trade

I hate you when you get like this

You want to kill yourself?
You want to hurt?
You want to torture your own mind?
Lie to yourself?
Cry yourself to sleep?
Cling on?

Go ahead and fucking do it.
Don't tell me your grand plans.

You want to die?
Then don't give me the gun to keep.
I want NO part in this.
Just leave me alone.
I need no more nightmares.

You are weak and pathetic.
And you fall further in my eyes every single day

The joker was right
Even the best of us fall
Well, you know what I've realized?
I never liked the best amongst us much anyway.

Sunday, January 4, 2009


Darkness makes a comforting blanket when you know you're surrounded by light. When you know that all you have to do is peer out and you can see the day, darkness is inviting. It's self imposed. It makes everything a little better by making everything worse in your own head, if you know what I mean.

Darkness is scary when you're in a cold empty room and you can not seem to find the light switch. Darkness is confusing when you are afraid to pull back the curtains because you do not know if it would make you feel better to see the sun shining outside or just pitch black nothingness.

Darkness is relative. Black is dark. Gray could be dark. Darkness is annoying if you're waiting for dawn. Darkness is a blessing if you want to hide. Darkness is a friend when you want to cry. Darkness is an enemy when you don't know if they're lying to you.

It's always there though. Darkness is not an absence of light. Darkness is a shade that refuses to permanently fade. Someday the lights are going to go out... And darkness will be waiting. For us all.

I look out at night
Searching for the stars above
But I can't find them

Have you seen the stars?
Do you know where they have gone?
Can you take me there?


Familiarity breeds contempt.

I agree. There is no one on this planet with whom you can spend all your time and not have moments when you want to punch them in the face. It may sound cruel - or violent - but it is still true. No such person exists. Even you get annoying to yourself.

So what is the answer?

Something new.

As long as something is new, I can handle it. There is nothing I like better than trying to figure out how something - or someone - works. What makes them tick. It's interesting. And interest is all that matters. What's the use of anything if you're bored of it?

But what do you do once you've solved the puzzle? "As soon as I belong, it's time to Disappear". The world is wide, there is always something to do out there. One day, I'll find some place where I'll want to stay... But for now, I don't mind chasing the answers blowing in the wind... In fact, it isn't even about not minding it. I need to. I want to.

Boredom dictates everything. At least it does for me. Sure, there are other factors. Constraints. But, the basic driving force is boredom. Why do anything? Because I'm bored. I get interested in things fairly easily. I get bored easily too. Because somehow, at the end of the day everything is the same. Everyone is the same.

You think this one time is going to be different. You swear you won't let history repeat itself and so on. But it does. Every. single. time. Yet you keep trying. Hope & Boredom. Lethal combination. Throw in necessity and you have an awesome mix.

You're bored of where you are. You hope there's something better out there. And you need to find it.

There you go! ^_^

Friday, January 2, 2009

On Time, Scars and Songs...

Time is the greatest healer.

We all heal.
Every wound heals, till it either fades away completely or becomes just another old scar. You hardly notice it. It's always there though, innocently and stubbornly clinging on, and once in a while, when you're really quite fu*ked, you notice it... and sometimes you feel a little twinge of pain-like regret, except you don't even recognize the feeling anymore.

Coz time tried healing you so often, but took so very long, that you found other ways to numb the pain. And now wounds don't bother you even when you get hurt. They become scars directly. I think it saves you from a lot of trouble.

Emotions prove their worthlessness further to me every passing day. No no, I'm not saying everyone in the world should lock their hearts away in iron chests at the bottom of dark dungeons. I just mean there are too many people I know who have been fu*ked over by "love". And it's always just so pointless at the end of the day. Here you are bleeding tears for someone who couldn't care less. At the most, all you ever get is their sympathy. Why can't you see that? Why do this to yourself???

Human beings are funny creatures. Do you know what the height of masochism is? Not blades nor eyes of storms. Songs. Songs that remind you of specific moments that now make you feel nothing but overwhelming guilt. Putting them on a loop and watching the walls of the inside of your mind crumble, now that is twisted.

My horoscope for the day

Saturday, January 3
You are drawn to interesting and unusual new people right now. You may make friends with others who have musical or creative talents, or who show a high degree of interest in the spiritual arts and meditation. An old friend may confess a drug problem, though.


"You don't know when to stop"

"You don't know when to stop"

I guess you were right. Or perhaps I do know, but I can't seem to find the brakes. Either way, I just hope the path downhill is smooth... at least for a while.

I've seen Angels Fall from Blinding heights

They always go for the best of us.

Them and Us. It's always about this. Who are they? And who are we?

But that's tangential.

: The Joker chose me!
: Because you were the best of us. He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall.
Two-Face: And he was right.

From blinding heights and further. At times like those, all you can do is feel guilty just for standing by and watching it happen, even though you know there is nothing you can do. You feel guilty of your association. You can't help but wonder whether you were responsible for them walking to that edge. Whether it was you and your "tainted" being that is somehow responsible for their own fall.

And you can't turn away...