Friday, July 31, 2009

Last Resort

It isn't like I chose this. I picked everything else first. And everything failed.
This is my last resort.
It's all I can do. I travel at the speed of light... but I can never leave this place.

Everything has its limits.
Does it?
I want to know.
I need to know...

Now playing: Elliott Smith - Between The Bars
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Where is my mind?

I find myself thinking of winter, as I once did all through the year. Winter is my favorite season. Even the things that go wrong don't bother you as much as they do in the summer. I'm sure it has something to do with the sun. I suppose, in winter, the cold helps.

Monsoons are for pleasant melancholy mornings spent listening to the sounds of the skies rumbling above the music, wondering why you aren't in class. This attendance issue is really beginning to bother me. I don't understand why it's so hard just to get to class. It's just that I'm so weary...

I think it's a dark night. Not that I'd dare venture on to the terrace. I wouldn't come back for too long. And then I'd have trouble getting to class tomorrow too.

I should get some research done for my history consultation. I think today was the last day. And I also have to get a medical certificate.

I spoke to Emma a few nights ago. I remember the base with its safe walls. I remember the base with its iron bars. The golf course, counting stars. It was a fun time. And "My back pages" is playing now. ^_^ I love it when situation-fitting music plays. I was so much older then, I am younger than that now. I remember the frantic phone calls and sneaking out. The webs of million lies we all got ourselves entangled in; things that were so much bigger than any of us. Than all of us... It feels so strange to think back. I can still see Foreshore Road in my mind. That infinite stretch of blackness with dots of lights glowing along the water's edge. I remember every tree, every turn, every sign-post...

But dwelling on the past isn't something you can afford to do when the present is constantly turning into the past at a pace you can barely keep up with. And I've left those days so far behind. Survival is of primary importance. There isn't any place in this world for the things we dreamed of. And the things we thought we were fighting for... well, they never existed in the first place. I won't lie, it had it's own charm. The feeling that we were actually making some sort of difference. The problem is, in hindsight, I see the mistakes we made glow brighter than the things we did right. And it's a painful realization to have; that we are still living with the consequences of our actions as naive children who thought they'd seen the world. What does a night-owl know about the beauty of dawn? What does a bat know about the wrath of the sun? Mere glimpses. Next to nothing.

I think the last two years are catching up to me. It was bound to happen, and I'm just surprised it took so long. Miss Sunshine, in a moment of profundity, recently said "I don't know why, but this feels like the end." The world is ending, darling. For if something is changed to such a degree that it has next to nothing left of the original matter, it isn't called an amendment, it's an abrogation. And fundamental rights are all about the government and power. Politics.

Everything creeps up everywhere else and I'm getting lost in the million multicolored ribbons I'm using to connect it all. But at least I now know what near-total loss of control feels like. It's scary, but it is a rush.

Anyhow, I have wasted enough time. I really should try and read up some history. Goodnight folks. Hopefully, my next post won't be during class hours tomorrow.

Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Gun Song
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I really do not think I will be able to get out of this one without some serious damage. I suppose it's too late to start worrying about that now. It's also too late to do much, but... well, let's struggle as we drown, shall we?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Just Another Wednesday

It's annoying how the closer a situation is to you, the harder it is to read clearly. Or maybe that's only the arrogance of the distant. Objectivity? That's just a word.

I missed first hour again. I think I could have made it, but I didn't leave. Also, sadly and gladly, I now have a new charger. I was supposed to go for my history consultation today, but considering I haven't read anything, I don't think that's happening.

Yuck, I'm just not in update mode right now.

I have half-an-hour before class and a bunch of things I could do. I should probably practice the chords I learned yesterday before I forget them.

Disjointed and pointless.
And that's Apt.

Now playing: Velvet Underground - sunday morning
via FoxyTunes

Monday, July 27, 2009

Riding the Thermals

"In a place like that, someone like you, can either climb ...or slide."
It really is your decision to make

But these claws weren't meant for holding on
and these wings weren't made to fly

We aren't falling, we're streaking across the skies, light from our shadows lighting up galaxies.

The universe is a large place

and there have to be more
Isn't one large enough to get lost in?
Isn't one small enough to always be found in?

Darkness helps, but I can't sail time up stream yet.
The wind's on our side though...
I suppose it's all we need.

Climb or slide?
Fly or fall?
I'm just gliding, sir.
And yes, I do know I'm on fire.

Now playing: Bob Dylan - Knockin' On Heaven's Door
via FoxyTunes


Life is all about rules.
First, learning them. Then, bending them. And finally, breaking the ones that you can't work around.
"You're wrong only if you get caught."
I hear you, sir.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Desensitization, That's what it's all about. You just have to get used to things. And then they change, and you get used to the change. Adapt. Survive. It isn't all that dismal as I'm making it out to be, but I'm pretty annoyed with change right now. I feel like we're having dis-jointed conversations. Time's at fault, as always. It's been moving at funny speeds, and laughing at all the foolish humans who actually believe that it moves at a constant speed, in one direction. Ha.

I know I keep saying that the world's gone crazy, but you have to believe me when I say it's true. What kind of world has clothes hanging from wires strung between crosses on graves? A small black dog eating the food kept for the idols in a little shrine. Green castle, almost entirely non-existent. The sky is brighter with every passing night. I found a ten of spades thrown on one side of the road, while two packs of Spades and Clubs were scattered further ahead. There are advertisements on TV that encourage walking around while you're on the phone. And in a tiny font at the bottom of the screen runs a line saying something to the effect of "Talking on the cellphone while crossing busy roads and at intersections is advised against". There's a chick holding a country-wide competition where the winner shall marry her as the prize... and people actually volunteer to get humiliated along with her on National Television. We're at a point f time when you can't even smoke a cigarette in a pub. Closer to home, Nagarbhavi has had to have the alternate car parking boards put up. There are strange people everywhere, with their loud fast cars and their "super-bikes". And nowhere is safe...

How did it come to this? When did all of this happen? I feel like I'm back home after a long vacation only to find out half my friends have gotten married, while the others have changed jobs or are in jail. I don't understand how I didn't see it happen. Was it really so sudden? I wouldn't know... Time. Maybe it's been happening throughout, and I just never noticed...

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Lazy Sunday?

I woke up before 8 am with over 8 hours of sleep done with. For a Sunday morning, that's an awesome feat. No hangover, no call list checking, no hazy flashbacks from the night before... It's a rare Sunday.

On a more worrisome note, I must start attending classes. I've been to class 5 days this week, and missed at least an hour on 3 of those 5 days.

Off to Pecos. Will continue later.
Or not.

Friday, July 24, 2009

$ - II

As long as we don't forget
the reason we set out to sail
The shore will come into sight
An almost holy sort of grail

But who really remembers who he was
in that lifetime lifetimes ago
And the pretty picture on the postcard
has long gone up in smoke

Won't you speak up, dear darling
I want to drink up your every thought
and remember each word you say
will it replace each one I forgot?

Ah, but Apologies and Bitterness
have no place here at sea
Every beautiful thing is flitting by
I know it can't be just me

So hold my hand, my friend
As we go down with this sinking ship
The world is coming to an end
And we're at the end of our last maiden trip.

The Other Side

"You have one minute to convince me to let you walk out of here alive, Jeremy."

He swallowed, shifty eyes zipping to every corner of the dimly lit room, looking for any sort of escape. Of course, there was none. The two men standing behind my desk had enough ammunition on them to reduce Jeremy to something resembling shredded pink cheese. And he knew that. One of the dogs growled, making Jeremy take a desperate little breath.

"Begin", I said, quietly,

"It was him. He showed up just as the ships were leaving the dock. I don't know how he did it. I mean, I do know. But not really-"

"Shut up!"

William took a step forward but stopped as I raised my hand. Jeremy flinched and went three shades paler. I didn't think it was possible.

"Who was it?", I said, keeping my eyes locked on to Jeremy's.

"The... the white soldier guy."

"The white soldier guy?"

"I dunno what he calls himself. But that's what he looks like. Look, I swear we didn't know anything. The deal was all worked out using the codes and numbers told to us. No one else knew."

"Except the one who sank two of our ships?"

Jeremy had stopped looking like he was going to cry. The sudden blank look in his eyes wasn't something I wanted to deal with right now.

"Go to your room."

"Huhn?" He looked stunned.

"Just go. I'll deal with you later."

He looked at me blankly for a minute before swaying to the door. William followed him out quietly. I didn't have to tell him to be careful. Everyone knew what part they had to play.

(to be continued)

Monday, July 20, 2009

$ - I

The world is goin' crazy
and I'm the one that feels insane
The people inside you and me
were here with the gray men, again.

The walls are now the ceilings
and I can't seem to find the floor
There's a faded rose at my window
A lame skeleton at my door

The ants begin their marching
They've made their way into your hair
I reach out, to try and brush them away
but I don't think I'm really there.

And things just keep getting crazier
It's an even stranger world out there
You come knocking at my door
but I can not begin to care

I melt slowly into the night
Except that it really could be day
And I don't know what time it is
for all I know, it may be May

And well, it's a night of madness
and I think the world may be about to end
We're on the ship to nowhere
And the dead are our only friends.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Dark Side

A : Come over to the dark side, it's where you belong.

Z : Come over to the dark side, we have cookies.
What is this vague concept of belonging? I'd rather have the instant and relatively certain gratification to be obtained from the promised cookies.

A : The cookies wont last long.

Z : Neither will you.
It's not that I don't believe in a world where honor and courage are qualities every soul instinctively possesses. And where love is something more than an insipid word borrowed from millions of poets and artists who caught a mere glimpse of that realm. But this world is not that one. I believe in God too. I'm just not sure if the God I believe in exists.

A : The existence doesn't matter. Your belief does. This world is lost. Caught in a spiraling whirlpool that sucks out what we dream of as 'love'. But the remnants must still be found. And they can be. Look out through the window.

Z : You assume, vainly I may add, that love is what everyone is looking for. Don't be so quick in projecting your hopes and aspirations and reasons for your existence to an entire world, even though I must say, I fear you're justified in doing so.

A : It's an example. The most popular story of something valuable that was lost. So much more is gone, to our infinite grief. Or maybe not. How can we grieve something we never knew? But there are flashes of a world long ago, a few crumbled pieces.

Z : I'm tired of wandering aimlessly in crumbling ruins of forgotten parts, yet I cannot, cannot go. It doesn't mean I want to stay. It's just that I don't think I can leave. And it's too loud a world out there. This may not be sanctuary, but it really may be all there is. The stragglers? Or just shadows from that world we keep worshiping? I don't know. And sometimes I fear it's just another answer that I will never be able to find.

A : It's a world in your head, in the dark recesses of your mind left unplumbed. Maybe you don't have a reason to cross over, maybe not a reason compelling enough. But the shadows surround you and if you want to escape them, find the sanctuary within yourself. But the shadows beckon. And someday you will give in to their lure.

Z : These shadows you speak so fondly of? I've lived with them so long, I'm not sure which earth flies below my own feet anymore. Perhaps its doesn't matter. Perhaps someday I'll have to worry about having a place to belong. For now, I want to watch the moon through broken shards of stained glass windows that stubbornly cling to dilapidated walls. It's beautiful. And for tonight, it's reason enough to stay...

Now playing: Bob Dylan - It's Alright Ma (Bleeding)
via FoxyTunes

Friday, July 17, 2009

It's alright

I think I could live with this schedule. If I get to sleep for 8 hours every third or fourth day, it isn't all that hard. The classes on the last two days are nearly impossible, but well, nearly. And once admin classes start, I'll probably get some sleep there too. It's a temporary solution, but at least it is a solution. Anyhow, it's a little after dawn and I guess it's alright...

Now playing: Bob Dylan - The Man In Me
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, July 16, 2009


It's funny how the scariest places feel the safest sometimes. I suppose it has something to do with the island theory. Sanctuary. I fear the concept, but it still distracts me. I'm just afraid of the price we shall all have to pay. And it keeps getting worse. They said Rock n' Roll would never die, but it's dead... and we're still floating in the same old requiem. Everything is forgotten eventually. Most of us just don't live that long. Be glad.

I used to know where I was going, even if it was just a place in my head. Now... well, I can't tell anymore. And I really do try to care, but I don't...

Maybe nothing ever changes. Maybe whatever does change does so only inside our own heads. I don't know anymore. And now, I can't even be sure I ever did.

Where is my mind?
Now playing: Bob Dylan - It's All Over Now, Baby Blue
via FoxyTunes


This is horrible. Not only did I miss the first class today, I also got marked absent for a class I was present for and awake in. And if that wasn't enough, I had a shot at getting marked present except I spazzed out and blew it. I need sleep. I hope The Hangover is worth it. And I hope I don't fall asleep in the hall. Though I can't deny that it actually does sound appealing...
Now playing: Bob Dylan - Man Of Constant Sorrow
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I was recently told that half of my posts show up in a weird trippy font. It was unintentional. I think I've fixed it now. I think this happened because some web browsers don't support the Webdings font. Whatever. It's uglier, but at least it's English now.



Some memories should be forgotten

But you can't tell now which memory has what purpose to serve. And we learn the most from our darkest hours. We are who we are today because of the choices that we made. One must make peace with himself before he can even begin to deal with a demon. Peace is such a long term feeling, it's okay to use substitutes. (And they are expensive.)

Oh well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that: Memories are the cause of all misery, but sometimes they help when nothing else can. They really are so very necessary...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Monday is the Weekend's Hangover

Once again, it's almost dawn and I'm still here. Any more of these posts, and you'll begin to think you're actually sicker of sunrises than I am. Well, you'd be wrong. Anyhow, I guess I should have expected this. I did sleep through most of the day. There are consequences of engaging in 15 hours of steady intoxication. We live with consequences.

Tomorrow's Monday. Well, technically, today's Monday. I don't know how I'm going to stand 4 hours of class. I've only attended two days of class and only one hour on each. That was bad enough. It's true, time is so slow, it could be going backwards. Well, there isn't too much of a choice. Also, it is only the beginning of the trimester. If things get too bad, I suppose I always do have the option of leaving. Too early to worry about that yet though. There are still 4 hours to class... Damn it!!! There are only four hours to class!!!

Sigh. Why am I surprised? I guess I should try and get an hour's worth of sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a really long day. And sooner or later, things are going to start sinking in. I'm going to need the energy...

Monday truly is the weekend's hangover.


If messed up priorities is really what comes before no priorities at all, I'm not really sure if it would be Nirvana. But honestly, I don't think I would like that.
I mean, I'd rather be confused or even wrong about what's important, rather than have nothing that's important at all.
At least, I think so...

I can't be sure about anything anymore.
A long chain of endless distractions and addictions.
And it spirals...


Where do I even begin?
These thoughts in my head are not supposed to be here.
But I can't get rid of them.
And I can't find what I'm looking for.
It's all white noise.
(And it hurts when it echoes)
I'm really sorry,... but I need to finish.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I woke up around 1300 hours on the 7th. I haven't slept since. And now, I just can't fall asleep. I guess it's only a matter of time before I do... I hope so... Though something tells me I'm going to be awake to welcome the hallucinations. Well, it's been an insane week. I don't want it to end. I don't want college to begin. I'd be sad, but it's such a pointless and taxing emotion, you know?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Since it's getting early

We missed out on entire worlds. There aren't even any tickets. It's like wanting to go somewhere with absolutely no way to get there. Not 'like', that's exactly what it is. That's pretty strange, you know? I mean, those kind of things aren't supposed to happen, right? But I guess all sorts of things happen here... wherever that is...

Anyhow, I'm quite exhausted, though I don't really know why. Maybe I just need a change of scene. I'm tired of watching the sun come in the window every morning, and tired of staring at the same four walls. It doesn't mean I love my room any lesser, but I just have to get out for a while. I can't believe I've been here for an entire week. Wow. That's a lot of time. That's 1/3rd of my holiday. But then again, time always passes slower when you're away.

I spent a lot of time on the terrace today. I remember why I like Gray so much. Gray skies are the nicest kind.

I also ruined my headphones. The wire got caught in the door. Don't ask. It was a highly spaz move. It's a pity 'cause these were really great headphones. They shall be deeply missed...

Moving on, I just feel like typing, so I shall ramble on for a while. I don't believe a pack of Milds now costs Rs. 94! That's just horrible! And wrong!!! This doesn't help anyone! We'll all have to switch to cheaper cigarettes and die! As of now, it's Navy Cuts, but you can't smoke them one after the other for too long. Sigh, such trauma.

I have to go to town tomorrow to meet part of 'The 8'. And 'lunch' is in Mangalore Paradise. Sounds like a full day again. It'll be kind of relieving after the annoying day I had today (though it did end well). Someone almost broke my door down in the afternoon. Bastards. I freaked out and decided to clean the room. Unfortunately that involved consumption, after which I ditched the bank plan and passed out instead. I really do want the fool dead...

Oh no, now I've gotten all worked up again. Tch. I'm sharing my room with a mouse and a frog. It's so bothersome cause I chase them out every morning and they're back by evening! I don't even know what to do anymore...

For now, I shall finish this bottle of water and then try falling asleep. Great. Now a stupid moth has joined the party. I can't even begin to be bothered. Sigh. Goodnight folks. And remember, Rock 'n Roll is here to stay!

Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, July 5, 2009


Damn it! I'm almost out of cigarettes! Now I'll *have* to leave the room. I hope the moron who woke me up burns in eternal hell. And the stupid frog is back as well. Maybe I should stop blogging, get rid of my phone and move. Maybe.


I think I have nothing to do today. I think I shall spend the whole day in bed. I hope it rains. And I hope it gets really cold.

I can't find the band-aids anywhere.

Some first year parents knocked on my door at 8 am. Idiots. I've made myself a "GO AWAY" sign in blue, orange and green and taped it on my door, but I still can't fall asleep... And it's 9 am on a holiday.

Tell me what you want, and I'll give you what you need.

I have to pick a history topic, pay my repeat fees, eat some real food and make my head stop hurting. And I thought I had nothing to do...

Now playing: Gary Jules - Mad World
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Hey guys! The fish follow the mouse pointer!!! Try it! Such fun!!! Okay, I shall stop with the exclamation marks. Just feed them a little food first and then move the mouse around. The fish shall follow.

P.S. Mouse pointer sounds weird. Mouse cursor? This is like forgetting 'font' all over again. sigh.

Things Have Changed

It's been a whole entire year. And about three hundred lifetimes. At least. Sometimes things just end up morphing, whether you want them to or not. I wouldn't say 'changing'. Change is like a gradual river with the occasional fall. Change is okay. What isn't okay is bolts of lightning tearing through your soul and entire worlds dissolving in a matter of hours. What isn't okay is being trapped in a pretty golden cage. What isn't okay is suddenly finding yourself free, except you're not sure if you remember how to fly. Fairy dust and happy thoughts? Sorry Peter, you took too long. I used to care, but things have changed.

Note for the clever: Look at the title again. THC. heh.

Excuse # X

It's never really deliberate
It just ends up that way

I guess that's true for so many things
I wonder if God could use that excuse

Note: X is unknown.

Now playing: R.E.M. - its the end of the world as we
via FoxyTunes


I'm eating healthy cereal crackers with cheese and ketchup. I just finished with the carrot cheese bit, which was awesome fun. I just wish I had some coke... Oh wait! I have Tang!!! Mu hahahaha!!! But that means finding water first. That could just about take forever. Ah well, we'll never know until we try, yes?

Friday, July 3, 2009

E-Ya^2 yo

E-ya E-ya, yo!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Life Lessons - June '09

1. Babies are trippy.

2. Ice-cream can't always make everything better.

3. The human body can take a lot more than we think.

4. The human mind, on the other hand, can only take so much..

5. Surprises aren't always pleasant.

6. Music is the single most important and greatest creation of man.

7. There's no such thing as a "new" day.

8. Fooling the world is terribly easy.

9. Anything can be funny enough to make you laugh... if you look at it the right way. It's all about perspective.

10. Food is important, but not consistently essential.

11. We will get by, we will survive... no matter what. (Fatal accidents not included, of course.)

12. Some spirals never seem to end. However, one should never forget that, theoretically, they are all supposed to.

13. Goodbyes are merely a matter of procedure.

14. Just because something seems like a bad idea doesn't mean it'll necessarily fail.

15. Just because something seems like a good idea, doesn't mean it is.

>To be continued

Now playing: David Garland - I Guess I Just Wasn't Made For These Times
via FoxyTunes


I am impossible to talk to. I care about nothing and no one. I always do as I please. You, your pleas and your tears, your anger, your authority and your fears. They mean nothing to me; and for all you have to say, your words may as well be static that I can barely hear above the music (that won't stop) playing in my head.

I am selfish and unfeeling. I am cold and made entirely of apathetic igneous stone. I will not cry for you, the world or God. And I will not cry for myself. Oh, I shall never be unkind and I will never make you cry. But I will not promise to be there to hold your hand as your world falls to pieces. And I will not be around to catch your falling tears.

It's only because my hands and head are already full. I have no safe place left to keep (the rest of) your sadness and your pain. If you're bitter and mad, and if it would make you feel better, go ahead, take it all out on me. It doesn't make an ounce of difference.

I'll do what I can to keep you safe - but only as long as you stay on that side of this dilapidated wall. Try and break through and I promise to hop back into the rabbit hole. And if I am supposed to apologize, I'm sorry.

I will only haunt the rarest of your thoughts. And though I will vanish as soon as you ask me to, I will leave you my shadow. I will be your one regret, but I shall not be found. Because I never want to be lost again.