Rant

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I miss you guys. It's so sad that the only real place we have left to return to is the past. And I don't know how to get there. It isn't like I don't remember. It's just that I don't realize when I have gone away somewhere. I'm running on automatic. Would you like some tea? I just want a cookie. One with fine print all over it, so that I can taste something meaningful. Like Strawberries.

I keep waiting to wake up and start again from some checkpoint. The only problem is that there are too many of them. And I have one foot on the accelerator and no hands on the wheel. There's a fine line between drifting and crashing. I have a thing for fine lines. Tight rope, she said. No, ma'am, it's only copper wire.

I'm so weary. I can't remember feeling this way. Whatever this way is. Wherever it goes. I don't know. Does it matter? You can't get lost if you don't have anywhere to go.

If no one has the answers, then how do I find them? Where do I look? The skies only reflect my own confusion back at me, after magnifying it by a thousand times. And I can't get inside my head 'cause there isn't any place left in here. there. Here?

Maybe, I've just run out of memory. Or charge. Maybe my validity has expired. I want to vanish in green smoke. Not the popping kind, but the one that looks like fire.

It's getting late again. It's always like that, even with so much of nothing to do. I'm tired of all this moving. I'm tired of standing around. I want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. It's like being six again. The fact that you may never be able to get back from under the rainbow was never a problem that had to be dealt with. One step at a time. We were all so much smarter as children. I do believe in fairies, but my window is barred. Or I'd have flown away by now.

"Who do you suppose decided birds are free? They can fly wherever they choose, but if there's no branch for them to return to, they might regret having wings. Don't you think? Perhaps true freedom is having a home to return to."

"No one is free. Even the birds are chained to the sky."

It's not like they promised us an ideal world. It isn't like we're ideal ourselves. But in the middle of this relativity and reasons that change like seasons, perhaps it is the smoke that one must cling to. You can't, for too long. And it makes me think of falling snow.

I'd take you home if I knew the way. But, apparently, we can't breathe in space. I wish they hadn't told me. We could have made it there inside one of those raindrops that cause rainbows. A rainbow-colored, near transparent little bubble.

I'm going to hide now.
Count to a hundred.
I've already hidden all the threes.
Goodbye.
I have to go.
I'm getting carried away.


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Now playing: neil young - the needle and the damage done
via FoxyTunes

Where is my mind?

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I find myself thinking of winter, as I once did all through the year. Winter is my favorite season. Even the things that go wrong don't bother you as much as they do in the summer. I'm sure it has something to do with the sun. I suppose, in winter, the cold helps.

Monsoons are for pleasant melancholy mornings spent listening to the sounds of the skies rumbling above the music, wondering why you aren't in class. This attendance issue is really beginning to bother me. I don't understand why it's so hard just to get to class. It's just that I'm so weary...

I think it's a dark night. Not that I'd dare venture on to the terrace. I wouldn't come back for too long. And then I'd have trouble getting to class tomorrow too.

I should get some research done for my history consultation. I think today was the last day. And I also have to get a medical certificate.

I spoke to Emma a few nights ago. I remember the base with its safe walls. I remember the base with its iron bars. The golf course, counting stars. It was a fun time. And "My back pages" is playing now. ^_^ I love it when situation-fitting music plays. I was so much older then, I am younger than that now. I remember the frantic phone calls and sneaking out. The webs of million lies we all got ourselves entangled in; things that were so much bigger than any of us. Than all of us... It feels so strange to think back. I can still see Foreshore Road in my mind. That infinite stretch of blackness with dots of lights glowing along the water's edge. I remember every tree, every turn, every sign-post...

But dwelling on the past isn't something you can afford to do when the present is constantly turning into the past at a pace you can barely keep up with. And I've left those days so far behind. Survival is of primary importance. There isn't any place in this world for the things we dreamed of. And the things we thought we were fighting for... well, they never existed in the first place. I won't lie, it had it's own charm. The feeling that we were actually making some sort of difference. The problem is, in hindsight, I see the mistakes we made glow brighter than the things we did right. And it's a painful realization to have; that we are still living with the consequences of our actions as naive children who thought they'd seen the world. What does a night-owl know about the beauty of dawn? What does a bat know about the wrath of the sun? Mere glimpses. Next to nothing.

I think the last two years are catching up to me. It was bound to happen, and I'm just surprised it took so long. Miss Sunshine, in a moment of profundity, recently said "I don't know why, but this feels like the end." The world is ending, darling. For if something is changed to such a degree that it has next to nothing left of the original matter, it isn't called an amendment, it's an abrogation. And fundamental rights are all about the government and power. Politics.

Everything creeps up everywhere else and I'm getting lost in the million multicolored ribbons I'm using to connect it all. But at least I now know what near-total loss of control feels like. It's scary, but it is a rush.

Anyhow, I have wasted enough time. I really should try and read up some history. Goodnight folks. Hopefully, my next post won't be during class hours tomorrow.



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Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Gun Song
via FoxyTunes

You can't smoke in planes

I've realized that you can't write under two circumstances. One is the obvious nothing-going-on phase. And the other is when things happen so fast and in such quick succession that you barely have time to think through them, let alone about them!

You write in transit. When nothing happens. Because that's the only time you can sit back and rerun memories.

I can't form sentences anymore. They get all jumbled up inside my head, and I end up knowing what I want to say, but from such a hazy distance that it's abstract nonsense when I actually put it down.

As I was telling FBC today, it's like going sky-diving. I'm on the plane, I have the parachute all ready (or at least I hope), and I've taken off. All preparations have been made. Still, it isn't too late to turn back. And though I know, that eventually, I am going to jump, I can still doubt my decision. It's only once I'm in the air that I will forget about worrying. I hate the period of waiting. And you can't even smoke in planes. -_-

Other than the usual, updates involve Miss Sunshine's new relationship. I'm glad for her, and the fairytale-ness of the story appeals to me. I'm supposed to meet the new boy tomorrow. Well, we'll see how that goes.

As for me, accelerate or brake. I'm still confused. I need to decide soon, because one foot is already on the clutch and I need to change gears now. Like I said before, I hate the waiting phase...

Rambling

I got lost today. And not just this-way-or-that-way kinda lost. I'm talking lost as in across two sectors and a couple of main roads lost. Sigh. I really need to work on my sense of direction. Ended up asking this random fruit seller where my sector was. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me I was walking in the wrong direction and had to go all the way back. It was pretty annoying. Especially because I could have comfortably smoked all my cigarettes. Instead, I ended up breaking another self-made rule. And an important one. Never bring a cigarette home. I'm just asking for trouble...

Other then the adventure of the day, life's been pretty tame for the last few days. I can't believe I'll be back in college in a week. Darn repeats. It would have been so sweet otherwise. And I haven't read a word. Stupid consti. grrr. However, considering the fact that I'll have enough time to bitch and moan about this when I get back, I think I shall just stop thinking about it for now. ^_^

There's this new comic I'm reading. It's called "Nothing Better". It's about a couple of dysfunctional room-mates at college. It's a nice read, but the problem is that at most points our lives seem more interesting. Haha. College spoils me. ;)

Also, I've been doing a lot of thinking. (AND a lot of facebooking, but well, that aside for now.) I just need to get the repeats out of the way this trimester. I'm bored. I need to do something, or I shall wither up and die... And I need a distraction... Oh well, thankfully, that's jus not ever a problem when you're in college.

Hmmm, Maybe it's time I made a few new playlists too. I mean seriously, what kind of black cloud was my brain wallowing in when I made this one??? They're all nice songs, but all I seem to do now is go into a blue funk whenever I start iTunes. I mean, Air Supply are great and everything, but still... I think I'll become a Third Eye Blind person for good. I like them. They talk about the saddest things really chirpily. It makes you laugh. If there's anything I like better than cold-sadness, it's comic tragedy!

Wow, this post has turned out to be just me rambling. Oh! We gave the dog a bath today. I should write a complete post on that sometime. It's an entire event by itself! We even have different people in charge of different parts of the ritual. *laughs*

Hmmm. I'm going to go see a movie tomorrow. With Flighty. Will also update him on my latest sins I suppose. I mean, that is all we seem to do. Discuss the recent messes we have gotten ourselves into and then point at each other, laugh and do the "Haha! Your's is worse!" routine. It makes for good confession times.

I saw Sweet November today. And I finally managed to see the end. I see what Miss Sunshine means. You know... when you understand why the character is doing whatever he/she is doing, but you still want to hit him/her on the head with the biggest rock you can find. And I figured out a new angle to my already-too-many-angles-to-be-anything-but-a-fucking-circle story. Does it help? I don't know anymore. And honestly, I'm almost beyond caring. Fuck it dude. I tried. That's all. I may not have tried hard enough or whatever, but I just don't give a rat's ass anymore. (Yes, okay, maybe I'm just mad right now. or maybe I'm not. Whatever.)

That's all for now I guess. I leave in 6 days. That's not all that much longer. And once I'm back... well, let's just say I have all the aspirin I need. ;)

Later!

Everyday

Ashley was sitting at her computer, bored. She was chatting with some girl she knew in school and wondering how to get out of the conversation when she heard someone at the door. 7 knocks. That would have to be her room-mate. She opened the door to let in a visibly anxious Zia.

"Hey", said Ashley as Zia zipped in, picked up a pack of cigarettes and started to walk out. She stopped at the door and turned, a silent plea in her big eyes. Ashley blinked, "Umm, you okay?" Zia nodded and grinned "Yeah, yeah... Coming?"

"Where?" said Ashley, though she already knew the answer. Zia rolled her eyes. Ashley looked back at her laptop and the pending conversation. She sighed, "Okay, but only one! I'm hungry!" Picking up a jacket, she followed Zia up to the terrace.

Just another post

"I have to admit that things are getting better."

Well, maybe it's all just a matter of perspective and so on, but it's how things seem to be that's important, right? More than what they are really like. I mean, what are they really like? I dunno. Doesn't that depend on what's important to you too?

I was writing in my diary today. I've written in it twice this trimester. Weird, considering there was a point of time in my life where I used to write in that book at least once a day... Well, joblessness may have increased, but so have ways to alleviate it.

Anyhow, tomorrow is my Fly exam. And I am really really REALLY bored. Was sitting on the roof and talking to Miss Sunshine. It's funny. Realized that we've lived together for almost two years now, and there is still so much about each other that we don't know. I guess it's a good thing. And yeah, there are eighteen years to catch up on, so I don't think we shall be running out of rooftop conversation material anytime soon.

It's almost time to go home, another trimester has ended. At this rate, I think 3 more years in this place will just fly by. What then? Err... I'd rather not think about that.

Anyway, this trimester has been ... ummm... well, can't think of a better word to describe it than the overused 'random', but that's exactly what it has been! IN terms of events, relationships, revelations and general incidents. And I guess what Miss Sunshine said may be right... The last trimester was pretty messed up coz it wasn't random enough. or maybe (once again), it is just changed perception.

I think I've grown up more in this trimester than I have since I came to Law School. Or maybe it's just been a culmination of the last 18 months. Either way, I'm glad. I have not exactly re-prioritized, but you could say I've learnt to "chill the fuck out".

"Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns..."

Learnt the leson Mr. Acosta. Learnt it quite well.

Anyhow, I shall return to Adoption and Maintenance. This has been a rambly last-few-days-of-the-trimester sort of post. Which kinda is what it is... Errr... I should just stop typing now.
-_-

^_^


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Now playing: Pink Floyd - High Hopes
via FoxyTunes

Merry Christmas

What did I do for Christmas?

Drank wine, Learned to play Table Tennis, spent a few hours after midnight sitting on a road and then waited for dawn on a roof. Oh, and also went walking in a botanical garden at 7 in the morning...

It was the most random evening ever. We spent most of the night in the gym of Rubix building playing pool and table tennis.

Maybe I should back up a little. The original plan for Christmas involved 4 of us, 5 liters of beer and an empty house. But then Rubix messaged in the middle of my Crim viva asking about Christmas plans. Thus, a little before 7 pm, Miss Sunshine, Resoluter, Harry Potter and I landed up at Pecos to meet Rubix.

Resoluter was making the wall sketches on tissue papers and Anthony, the waiter, kept coming over and showing us neat tricks. And if that wasn't enough, they played Bob Dylan's "Blowing in the Wind"! They even played "High Hopes". My day was made. ^_^

Then Rubix, Resoluter and Miss Sunshine decided we should go to Rubix' place and play pool. A few of us went and bought wine, while the others set out to buy food, and then we walked all the way to Rubix' home.

The next few hours were madness. Harry Potter was teaching me how to play Table Tennis, Resoluter and Rubix were playing Pool and Miss Sunshine was the "Wine-Girl". We played for hours! Then the table broke and we spent the next many minutes trying to put it back together.

At some point in the evening, I was convinced that I had just returned from a concert where Aldemen and I had argued about Janis Joplin's real age while she sang on stage. Don't ask. I also wanted to hit Resoluter on his head with a bottle of vodka because I was sure it was made of plastic. Hmmm. So maybe I wasn't as sober as I first thought. -_-

After a few hours of sitting on the road, smoking and arguing about different perspectives on trust and friends, we made our way to Rubix' roof, where some random guy yelled at us from across the street. Considering it wasn't even dawn and we were all singing at the top of our voices, I guess it was kinda our fault... Anyhow, Harry Potter yelled right back at him and then we decided it would be warmer - not to mention safer - if we sat on the lower roof.

We waited for dawn there. Huddled up together against the cold. Since it was too early for breakfast in town, we decided to go to MTR... where we were told we would have to wait for forty five minutes! To kill time, we went walking in the Botanical Garden. It was trippy. Early morning walkers and joggers were giving us the strangest looks and it didn't help matters that we were running around imitating the strange things people do in these morning walks. You know... like hold out your arms and walk around as if you were a plane, hop on one leg, spin while moving forward... That kinda thing.

After an hour of sunbathing (those three boys are very lazy) and a brief account of what I'd told Miss Sunshine the night before (like the Janis Joplin code of truth - once again... don't ask), we decided India Coffee House would be ready for us by now. Here, I spent a lot of time sandwiched between Resolution Boy and Rubix. We ate moving only our wrists!!! Not very comfortable. But it was fun.

After saying goodbye to Rubix and a long auto ride back 'home' - throughout which Res Boy kept sleeping - there was nothing to do but sleep. And sleep we did. 7 straight hours, followed by dinner, ice cream and 6 more hours of sleep. I had the merriest Christmas I have ever had!

And we didn't even need a tree!
^_*