Saturday, December 26, 2009


Dear Sister,

How could you let them walk all over you?
Why didn't you walk away?
How could you stand and do nothing but watch?
Didn't you have a thing to say?

Why do you persist dear girl?
Why can't you let them be?
The heart's a fickle friend, babe
And today, his is with me.

Mary J.

Now playing: Staind - Outside (Full band)
via FoxyTunes

Friday, December 25, 2009

Touches of Gray

Shades of gray are all that count in the end. Because Heaven and Hell is all about Black and White. I like Gray. Colors are cunning little creatures. They're after your soul. And debt is easy. The older you get, the more pointless dreams become. They're also more valuable. But what's the use of riches you can't sell? You try everything, but in the end there's only one carved out road your poor knees can take. Bleeding feet don't go well with twisted forests, but that's what you get for wandering off in the first place. This world isn't kind to strays and there isn't anything any body can do to change that.

The things that don't make sense are the ones that often make all the difference in your life.
And hating them doesn't make them go away.
Go ahead.
Close your eyes.
You know I'm right.

Now playing: Audioslave - Set It Off
via FoxyTunes


She is burning and crying
but it's only a twisted dream
Sometimes when you close your eyes
You can still hear her scream
Don't put the echoes away
There's still some room in your head
Let the memories linger and stay
As nightmares to prove you are not dead

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Never Coming Down?


Bullet-proof glass that shatters on impact.
Smoke screens and hazy red lights.
Hot, searing knives.
How long?
'Open my head just to see what I can find'.
Phases and Moods.
Not in Denial.
Can't reach.
Dresses and Butterflies.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

Just a Thought

November's ending and I haven't seen a storm. It's all incomplete. But perhaps that only means that we have to write our own endings. But I can only think in echoes. And you don't need us.

We do what we can.

Don't we?

Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. There's really nothing more to it.

I'm sailing on the other side now.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009



We're all just playing roles. Sometimes you are me and I am you and they are us and we are them, but nothing ever changes except the clouds I find floating around me. Sheep are sacrifices. Humans are martyrs. Gods are invincible. And the proud are punished.

Rain will fall. Legends will be born. Memories will die. The wrath of vengeful gods may fall upon us. But we will laugh our way through it all. Because that's the only road that's there for the lost. And the dead walk beside us.

Some things can not be buried deep enough. Some ghosts never leave. Some clouds slowly choke you to death.

I'm done chasing rainbows. I like this rabbit hole. This time, the sky will have to find me. And I can always hide on the moon.

Stars stay in corners of your eyes. And sometimes you can remember how to fly, even if you never even dreamed of doing so. The world is strange, and we're all locked in tight.

Here's a secret.
The key is the slow steady destruction of your soul.

November to December


For three days, I was a nervous wreck. We were a scattered crew sailing through an electric storm. For three days, I was merely a blurry shadow on a burning boat. But we made it through. We didn't sink. It may not have been as great as it could have been, but it wasn't a complete disaster either. It happened. I didn't think we could but we did anyway. I'm happy and proud and depressed and so utterly sad. November's ending. And the wait returns.

But it's alright. December isn't all that bad either.

Every silver lining's got a touch of gray..

Autumn frosts may have slain July, but November rain melts everything.

Remind me to breathe?

Sunday, November 15, 2009


It's all about schisms.

How do you sail across nothingness?
You make me calm the way curling smoke does.
From the inside.

Is the war over?
It's the Aftermath that's hard to live with.

How do you stop time?
We can't get clean again.

Where would you go to if you could go wherever it is that you want to go to?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Blow my house down.
I'm gone,
Where did you go?

I want to implode
But I have no pockets.

The insides of my mind are crumbling, melting, twisting.
Sweet November.

Where would you go?
The chains were never really there, but I'm too weary to fly.
And how do you escape the sky?

I'm so much younger than that now.
Will I remember how to fly?

Some dreams are worth staying in.
Some realities deserve escaping.
Some habits are impossible to break.


God doesn't forsake any of his children.

Is the world the wrong way up or is it just me?

I was only a reflection.
Catch me if you can?

I looked through the looking glass and I don't want to go back.
I like the Other side.
And why would I climb when I know how to fly?
How long will I slide?

Nothing can be explained.
Say it isn't so.
But it is and all the highways in the world are to hell.

I don't leave footsteps, I leave skid-marks.
Burn me a tattoo on my soul, darling?
'cause I am the highway...

Where did you go?
As much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Oh. Must be just me, then.


Friday, November 13, 2009

SF 09

6 days, 3 exams and 20 hours of class to go.



Friday, November 6, 2009


Curse you, November
An abusive(obsessive) relation!
Will this never end?


Now playing: Gov't Mule - Banks of the Deep End
via FoxyTunes

Holiday Post

Realized I couldn't leave without a customary holiday post. But I was going to. Which is strange. I guess things change.

No more food whenever I want
(except there is)

No more cold,
metal bars that leave lines
and lines
and hurt

No more endless sleeplessness
(except there is)

No more soft, warm comfort
(except there is)

No more sobriety
Hell, yeah!

Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Ebb
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, November 5, 2009


White isn't pure; White is blank.

Black isn't pure; It's just that heavily corrupted.

Red isn't pure; Wrath and Lust hide within. (And two sins are better than one?)

Blue isn't pure; It's empty and Sad.

Gray isn't pure; It's decayed, old and forgotten

Yellow isn't pure; It's fake and social

Pink isn't pure; It's the color of teenage promiscuity

And Green?
Moss and envy are as pure as you can get, dear...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Between the Bars

I lean closer to the cold white bars hoping believing needing to think that the glowing lights in the sky are fake unreal false just like the lying comfort offered by a box full of twenty entire cigarettes knowing that we'll only crush destroy burn BREATHE in Breathe out breathe in STOP Run through fields that won't stop being green cold lovely even though they change morph melt merge like the insides of my mind after so long without smoke curling through my veins heart lungs NEEDING the steady chaotic destruction set in motion years months lifetimes ago REMEMBERING so little of promises lies laughter that only rings out loud in waves like nausea THINKING of unhappier times when the world was still the right way up even though it was easier harder the same and right things were decided by how hard it was to do them NOW it's burning cold hot CONFUSING me utterly completely entirely even though it's easier nicer more comfortable despite words running through my head like so much for Undying LOYALTY and becoming someone else for someone else who turns to someone else until I am you and you are me and there is no me because there is no you except things change morph blur like LINES that were crossed obeyed cut into little dots that rearrange themselves into rants that no one UNDERSTANDS including those they bleed from like rain tears vodka FORGETTING remembering wanting needing hating leaving because there are only so many things to choose from when decisions that can't be made are made in the vacuum of facts information MEMORIES that need to be buried with good and bad and good and bad until windows are closed against the cold November air except it's the wrong room state world because movies are NOT real life though they creep crawl laugh their way in while I lean against the cold metal bars looking at glowing lights that mock taunt laugh ECHOING endlessly until I leave quit die.

Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Changing Constants; The Liars!

The constant flickering glow, she said. I didn't hear her, but she came to my window at midnight, whispering the same echoing words. They're still reverberating inside my head. A constant flickering echo.

Because it fits in times of absolute nothingness.

Absolute is an extreme term.
So is life.

Stories can only have happy endings if you know when to stop telling them. I hate second chances. Too many expectations.
And we live to disappoint.

I want you to know, but only after there's nothing you can do about it. Information is power and I would never let anyone have that kind of control over me.
Unless I was promised certain destruction?
(I still won't believe you)

Electric chair, two years. Rings a bell.
Bad joke or good joke in bad taste?

It's hard to tell sometimes...
especially if it's your own darkness you're humoring.
That's dark, but self-demeaning isn't defaming. You need a third party. Outside your head.
Retarded clauses.

Things and reasons and seasons change.
Why can't I?
There's no point in knocking on locked doors.
Especially when you're the one who lost the keys.

I don't know which way to pick
and the sun will always be in my eyes
I want to fly.
But I don't want you to wait to catch me, because I think I may remember how to.
And then what would you do?

Echoes fade and memories die
Autumn frosts have slain July...

Are you afraid?
You should be...


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The World

Can't risk it. Either way. If you know there's an electric chair waiting for you at the end of two years, life can easily become quite pointless. At least you burn, and not drown. Would you remind me to breathe?

Thoughts should always be accompanied with a sub-title file. Or you should be allowed to talk in pictures. I wish everyone would paint. Giving up is easier in a gray world. The trick is to keep the black and white from separating.

The only constant that should be allowed to flicker is fire. And fire doesn't like being called a constant.

Is something eluding you, sunshine?
Join the club, darling.

Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - She Looks To Me
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, October 11, 2009


The season of change is still here. Whether or not things are going to stay different is something only time knows. Secrets are burned or buried. Life is pointless, but there's nothing wrong with that. You can't destroy fairy dust. And dead fairies live only as long as you believe in them. I'm not me, but no one really is.

I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring or take away. And what I don't know about, I can't control. Ignorance may not be bliss, but it can come pretty close. Neglect works pretty well too... if you can kill off your conscience.

Even if I could fly, I wouldn't be able to get to the moon. And every single time I try, there's someone waiting to catch me. Tight ropes and burned bridges are fun to walk on. Because you know there are only two ways off. Either you reach the other side or you fall. It's all about balance. And you can't lose what you never had.

I used to think that you could only give what you have. But that isn't completely true. Sometimes you can give away borrowed things, even if you have no right to do so. You have to pay for everything, but that doesn't mean you can't get what you can't afford. You just collect debt. I'll deal with it later. Infinite debt plus a little more is still an infinite amount. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't change.

A fall from here won't be fatal.
And that is what worries me...

Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - She Looks To Me
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Creepy Quiz!


ColorQuiz.comI took the free personality test!

""Strongly resists any limits given her or disputes..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Color Quiz

ColorQuiz.comJ took the free personality test!

""Feels she is in a hopeless situation, which cause..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Are things really getting better or are we just getting better at accepting them?

Either way, don't think about it now, you'll only make it worse.

Things change.

Echoes fade and memories die. Autumn frosts have slain July.

Goodbye July...

Watching smoke makes me feel sane again.

Ash is definite evidence, but what good does it ever do?

What shall we use to complete the wall?

Bury memories with memories.
Bad with good.
And good with bad.

You know what's the only thing worse than the calm before a storm?
The calm after it.

I like where I am and I hate the fact that time won't stop carrying me away.

We contradict ourselves and we burn and we die.

We're all unforgiven.

And maybe that's all there is to it.


Now playing: Shiro Sagisu - never meant to belong
via FoxyTunes

Monday, September 28, 2009


In one lifetime, there are lots of things people do that they wish they never had. But as long as you can find a box to throw all your old memories in, they won't interfere with today. As long as you remember to lock the doors.

Things change constantly, and no matter how miserable the world looks, sometimes you have to wait out the storm. Marvel at the rain while it falls. It's a memory you won't visit too often. And these kind of things can not be forgotten.

I'm done here. I've been done for a while. But borrowed time is still time. And the places you go to, after the show's over, won't let me in.

I think I've gone away again. But this vacation isn't like the others. I don't know if I'm coming back. And it's really alright. Because borrowed time is still time. And I hate being in debt.

September's nearly over. October isn't really my favorite month either. But every silver lining's got a touch of gray. I like gray. And I think I rather like this cloud.

Now playing: Plain White T's - Hey there Delailah
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Yesterday To Tomorrow

Things have changed.


But unlike the times before, from yesterday comes tomorrow.

Now playing: Audioslave - Yesterday to Tomorrow
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Abstract Advice

What do I do?

Don't talk to strangers.
Just chill.
Start making decisions.

Thank you, Council.

Now playing: Pixies - Where Is My Mind
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Dawn is breaking, and I'm still here. Someone once told me something about inner peace and how it was necessary to be able to sleep at night. That would explain a lot. There's chaos inside my head right now. And the skies just keep getting prettier.

So much is happening, but I still feel like nothing is.
And I'm stuck in last December.

"Don't think about it now, you'll only make it worse."

I try.

Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Ebb
via FoxyTunes

Friday, September 11, 2009


I love September's skies.

"Things happen for a reason."

I don't want to know.

You know what I like best about music? It's such selfless company. It never wants anything from you. And I love the way some songs stick to the insides of your thoughts, constantly dripping melodies that tickle the back of your mind. Like ice-cold rain drops trickling down your spine. You know they're there, but only because you feel it. And maybe, it is just in your head?

I told her I'd be there at Sunset.

Too late, darling. Dawn is breaking everywhere.


You know... it smells like rain...

Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I have to write a Civil Procedure Code paper in about 12 hours, followed by a carry over subject's paper in 16. Though I haven't yet registered for the latter, so perhaps I won't have to give it after all. Which may have been a good thing if I was certain that I would be allowed to write the former. I have missed 18 classes already.

I should be panicking, but it isn't getting through. Maybe that's a good thing.

I'm locked in tight, I'm outta range
I used to care, but things have changed.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Wasn't me

I was there when it all happened, but that was not me.

"So long ago, so far away,
Was everything truly there?”
- Todd Willingham

Everything was.
I wasn't.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Law of Equivalent Exchange?

You're not supposed to forget the lessons that you learned the hard way. And easy days don't have easy ways. Everything does have its own price. It's all about what you can afford. And what you have to lose. Choice.

Everything runs on something. Everything has a weakness. Information is knowledge, and knowledge is power. Power may corrupt, but that isn't really a concern on precipices of defeat. It's been such a long way down. I think I can see the sea, but I really can't be sure which way is up anymore.

It's been a while, and things have been relatively smooth for too long. The calm before the storm bothers me with all its waiting. And when things you own and loved are on fire, you end up looking forward to the rain.

It's all about circumstance. Some times, the choices you make are already made for you.

Constant disappointment is the key, kids.
Now playing: Kajiura Yuki - Fake wings
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


There's a moth in my room, and it's beautiful. It has blue wings that have gold edges. I wish I had a camera. I wish it would fly out the window. I think I make too many wishes. It's only because the stars keep falling.

I have no idea where I will be in twenty four hours. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a very big fan of change. I always thought I was, but quite clearly, I was horribly mistaken. I don't even have the energy to curse this glare anymore. The windows are always open, Peter.. (but that's only because I keep forgetting to close them.)

There's just so much to do. I don't know where I'm going to find the time. I wish they would have just let me stay. I hope things work out in the next six hours. I can't leave now... The rain is here...

Now playing: Khadki Junction Blues
via FoxyTunes


It feels like the end of the world. There is screaming and madness, gray skies and people fleeing in thrilled states of panic. Different cars crowd the usually empty roads, people talking in quiet voices, looking at every known stranger with mistrust in their eyes. It's all chaos and confusion. And the fear sets in: What we believed to be the chimes of freedom, may just be the prison bells. The King is dead, long live the king.

It bothers me. If the world is ending, there is a lot I have to do, but I fear there is no time...

If the world is ending, all I want to say is goodbye. To all my friends I haven't seen in too long, to all the people I have hurt, to all the good times and all the bad, to the memories we've created and the memories we've lost, to conversations both hilarious and melancholic, to dreams and futures and islands and songs, to things that should have been said and things that should never have been thought of... I regret little. And I cherish all.

Maybe, the world will still be here tomorrow. Maybe, I'm just seeing storm clouds raging though the sky is really blue. Rose tinted glasses are just one shade. And every shade is a shade of gray. But, if it is the end of the world, I want to have been able to say goodbye.


Now playing: Godsmack - Moon Baby
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, August 15, 2009


I'm beginning to think that I may not be able to finish my CPC paper by 4 pm today, though a part of me keeps chanting "But we always manage". Yeah, well, there's always a first time, darling. With 26 rupees on me, no money in my bank account and the sudden realization that I don't even have enough money to print out my project, there's little I can do but laugh.

The only rule to be kept in mind is to go down fighting. I guess this is a last minute thing. I hope it is. I'm waiting for the panic to kick in, but I can't begin to care.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I have a lot left to lose, but I think I'm working on that.

Now playing: Godsmack - Mistakes
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Aeternum vale

I don't understand why I feel like I'm going far away. Every day, so many things disappear into too-soon approaching horizons, and it feels like it's me who is receding into the icy waters. Except the colder it gets, the hotter I feel. There must be some way back. But which way is back?

If everything disappears, will I disappear too? If everything that makes up my very existence burns to smoldering ashes, will I burn too? If all that means anything comes to mean nothing, would anything mean anything ever again ?

Rule one: Stay in the abstract. Rule 2: Always remember. Rule 2, proviso: Remembering includes remembering to forget.

Why must everything always contradict everything else? Why is the "odd one out" the odd one out, when one is always odd anyway? Why does it all come down to numbers? Why must everything mean everything else? Why must everything mean nothing?

Why can't I find any answers? I don't know where to look. And everywhere is a very large place. I think I'm running out of time. I wish I knew where it all went. It's been twenty years, and every day, all I know is a little more of nothing.

I've stopped thinking. These are thoughts that keep escaping because I don't want to keep them in my head anymore. I can't, because I have no room for them.

They keep telling me to think back. But back to what? And with everyday, there's so much more to choose from. And I wasn't always me. I am not always me. But we get by with a little help from our friends. And a friend of the devil is a friend of mine.

I scare myself.

Monday, August 10, 2009

True Story # 1

Lying upside down in a tiny hotel room, in a black dress and pointed heels, smoking a cigarette, watching Alvin and the Chipmunks sing for Christmas on TV.
While a guy she'd met for the first time the evening before took a shower.
Her phone which lay beside her, almost out of charge, told a tale of a call list she could only cringe at. The only charger they had between them was in her bag, which was incidentally with the manager of the last bar they hit the night before. It also contained all her money, both her cards and enough stuff to put her in jail for 7 years.

Also, she was missing her 21st and 22nd hours of a certain class.

(As related to this blogger, last winter)

Sailing Sinking Ships

We live in constant fear, tired and paranoid eyes scanning the gray seas for any signs of their ships. They wish to hunt us down like the supposed criminals we are. Criminals? We are, but mere, dreamers. We do not believe in their petty Gods of selfish goals and pretty furniture. And for that, we are watched and hunted and live under the constant threat of exile.

Exile! But if there were only a place to run away to! Oh well, the world is round and we've been sailing for years. If we knew where this world ended, there would be no need to wander the seas for, what could only be, eternity.

There are many among us who believe that the right boat will come along to pick us up, even though it means doing little more than waiting forever. These men live in the inner cabins of the ship, which they've decorated to look like ordinary homes, barely aware of the journey itself. Many fall asleep holding on to memories that stopped being valuable a hundred thousand years ago.

There are a few who leave us, on small boats, convinced that there is no point in this journey. Often, they return once they realize that the night is a thousand times darker when you are alone. Sometimes, we never see them again.

There are those who believe that the shore will appear on the horizon if we just keep sailing. But we've been sailing for an eternity. The World is round. But I do not have the heart to remind them.

There are some who sit on the wooden deck under moonlit skies and talk in hushed voices. I join them, sometimes, if only to see the stars reflecting in their otherwise tired eyes; faces suddenly years younger than they appear to be under the glaring light of the sun. Their company makes this voyage bearable. Their thoughts make my soul want to cry out at the unfairness of our flight. Their dreams make me smile. Their hope spreads like flames from a candle kept too close to too many sheets of paper.

And then there are those who have thrown themselves into the raging seas, convinced in the madness of stormy nights and thunderous skies, that the only land there is to find lies many many miles under the water's surface. I have seen many rescued from such a plight. And I have seen many faces gasping for air before the waters claimed them forever. I have said many goodbyes.

I choke and drown on memories that have long left the insides of my mind. I think I made a mistake when I turned it inside-out. Now the whole world is in my head. And there's no place left for me in there, anymore.

I have no country to return to. And the land we set out sailing towards seems to be nowhere in sight. This ship and it's crew is the only world that exists tonight. But even the hushed voices of the people with stars in their eyes can't drown out the screams of the drowning. Perhaps the only land that exists is really a thousand miles under water.

They never told us that you couldn't sail the moonlight to the moon...

I think our ship is sinking.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

I thought I'd get some work done before I fell asleep, but I think I'm asleep now. Or soon going to be. Maybe I am asleep and just dreaming about writing this blog post. Yuck. What a horrible dream. It's such a waste of time... But I could sleep for a thousand years. If only no one would wake me up... I'm sure I could stay asleep forever.

Friday, August 7, 2009


I miss you guys. It's so sad that the only real place we have left to return to is the past. And I don't know how to get there. It isn't like I don't remember. It's just that I don't realize when I have gone away somewhere. I'm running on automatic. Would you like some tea? I just want a cookie. One with fine print all over it, so that I can taste something meaningful. Like Strawberries.

I keep waiting to wake up and start again from some checkpoint. The only problem is that there are too many of them. And I have one foot on the accelerator and no hands on the wheel. There's a fine line between drifting and crashing. I have a thing for fine lines. Tight rope, she said. No, ma'am, it's only copper wire.

I'm so weary. I can't remember feeling this way. Whatever this way is. Wherever it goes. I don't know. Does it matter? You can't get lost if you don't have anywhere to go.

If no one has the answers, then how do I find them? Where do I look? The skies only reflect my own confusion back at me, after magnifying it by a thousand times. And I can't get inside my head 'cause there isn't any place left in here. there. Here?

Maybe, I've just run out of memory. Or charge. Maybe my validity has expired. I want to vanish in green smoke. Not the popping kind, but the one that looks like fire.

It's getting late again. It's always like that, even with so much of nothing to do. I'm tired of all this moving. I'm tired of standing around. I want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. It's like being six again. The fact that you may never be able to get back from under the rainbow was never a problem that had to be dealt with. One step at a time. We were all so much smarter as children. I do believe in fairies, but my window is barred. Or I'd have flown away by now.

"Who do you suppose decided birds are free? They can fly wherever they choose, but if there's no branch for them to return to, they might regret having wings. Don't you think? Perhaps true freedom is having a home to return to."

"No one is free. Even the birds are chained to the sky."

It's not like they promised us an ideal world. It isn't like we're ideal ourselves. But in the middle of this relativity and reasons that change like seasons, perhaps it is the smoke that one must cling to. You can't, for too long. And it makes me think of falling snow.

I'd take you home if I knew the way. But, apparently, we can't breathe in space. I wish they hadn't told me. We could have made it there inside one of those raindrops that cause rainbows. A rainbow-colored, near transparent little bubble.

I'm going to hide now.
Count to a hundred.
I've already hidden all the threes.
I have to go.
I'm getting carried away.

Now playing: neil young - the needle and the damage done
via FoxyTunes


I'm going to fall ill. I know it. I can feel the dull ache somewhere in the center of my head. Or is it my mind? Whatever. And my throat hurts. It isn't surprising, considering how many sick people I've been hanging out with... including my own room-mate! And I suppose the midnight cold coffees and LMNs really don't help.

I can't afford to be sick. Not with my attendance being at the levels it is now. I don't know what I'm thinking. Project submissions are in three days and I haven't started either. In fact, I haven't had a single consultation. Wait, it gets even better. I'm not sure what my ADR topic is. And he's gone off somewhere to chill...

I don't want to fall sick. Not with project submissions and convocation so close. But, this time, I can't get myself to snap out of it.

Argh, this is pathetic!!!
Whatever has to happen, shall... I guess.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Endless Story

Break-up season is here again. Not that it makes any difference to me, personally. But everyone around me seems to be losing their mind. I'd laugh if it weren't so sad. And once again, I'm sixteen years old, convincing an old friend not to go ahead with her grand plan of revenge. It's a year later and I'm sneaking out of my home and into a friend's, eyes on the bottle she won't let go off. That was all so long ago... I guess some things never change.

It should be a comforting thought, in this crazy crazy world. But... it's not. If everything has to change, why can't the sad things change too? Why won't the things that are wrong, change? It's a messed up place, and it seems like it's only the beautiful things that we're all out to destroy.

In a world like this one, there's nothing to do, but survive. You do what you can. And you do what you have to. If everything was always pleasant, the rain wouldn't mean a thing. And every silver lining's got a touch of gray.

But, in the end, words are words. And they can be forgotten. Or remembered even when they were never exchanged. Like smoke, words are swirling, hazy and momentary. Memories are nothing but the stale scent of smoke clinging to your clothes.

Change, darling.
It's all you can do.


Now playing: Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
via FoxyTunes

Monday, August 3, 2009


A hollow space can be filled with anything.
And light can emanate from the inside.
But we have no place for warmth.
And the moon must wait in line.

A perfect world?

We'll get to a better place, don't worry.
There has to be something more to this.

Isn't there?

Isn't there?

Isn't there?

Silence is an awkward answer.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


The world is changing too fast... and I can't keep up. I'm falling behind and getting carried away by strange currents.

(...They aren't half as bad as they've been made out to be)

I really don't know where it is that I'm going to, but I don't understand this world anymore. And I don't understand anybody in it. I don't want to know. I would rather leave, thank you.

You're only ever on the outside if you can't get back in.
Or won't.

I would really like to be asleep right now. I want to fall asleep and wake up only when I can't sleep anymore. I want to be bored of sleeping. Tired of it. I want real pent up energy instead of sugar rushes and sleep deprivation side-effects. And I want a small island that isn't on any map...

I already have a name for it.


Now playing: The Cranberries - 13 Dying in the Sun
via FoxyTunes

And Autumn Frosts Have Slain July...

I was supposed to do some history research today. Unfortunately, the canceled future brought with it a busy and surreal present. And just when I was done with it all, the past caught up with me again. You know what the past is like. Everyone does. It finds you no matter where you run to or where you hide.

Oh, you can escape the Future if you try hard enough. Losing the present is the simplest thing in the world. But, the Past? The Past will always find you, no matter how far you go...

I'm running out of places to run to...

And if not sanctuary, can you give me some shelter from this storm?


Friday, July 31, 2009

Last Resort

It isn't like I chose this. I picked everything else first. And everything failed.
This is my last resort.
It's all I can do. I travel at the speed of light... but I can never leave this place.

Everything has its limits.
Does it?
I want to know.
I need to know...

Now playing: Elliott Smith - Between The Bars
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Where is my mind?

I find myself thinking of winter, as I once did all through the year. Winter is my favorite season. Even the things that go wrong don't bother you as much as they do in the summer. I'm sure it has something to do with the sun. I suppose, in winter, the cold helps.

Monsoons are for pleasant melancholy mornings spent listening to the sounds of the skies rumbling above the music, wondering why you aren't in class. This attendance issue is really beginning to bother me. I don't understand why it's so hard just to get to class. It's just that I'm so weary...

I think it's a dark night. Not that I'd dare venture on to the terrace. I wouldn't come back for too long. And then I'd have trouble getting to class tomorrow too.

I should get some research done for my history consultation. I think today was the last day. And I also have to get a medical certificate.

I spoke to Emma a few nights ago. I remember the base with its safe walls. I remember the base with its iron bars. The golf course, counting stars. It was a fun time. And "My back pages" is playing now. ^_^ I love it when situation-fitting music plays. I was so much older then, I am younger than that now. I remember the frantic phone calls and sneaking out. The webs of million lies we all got ourselves entangled in; things that were so much bigger than any of us. Than all of us... It feels so strange to think back. I can still see Foreshore Road in my mind. That infinite stretch of blackness with dots of lights glowing along the water's edge. I remember every tree, every turn, every sign-post...

But dwelling on the past isn't something you can afford to do when the present is constantly turning into the past at a pace you can barely keep up with. And I've left those days so far behind. Survival is of primary importance. There isn't any place in this world for the things we dreamed of. And the things we thought we were fighting for... well, they never existed in the first place. I won't lie, it had it's own charm. The feeling that we were actually making some sort of difference. The problem is, in hindsight, I see the mistakes we made glow brighter than the things we did right. And it's a painful realization to have; that we are still living with the consequences of our actions as naive children who thought they'd seen the world. What does a night-owl know about the beauty of dawn? What does a bat know about the wrath of the sun? Mere glimpses. Next to nothing.

I think the last two years are catching up to me. It was bound to happen, and I'm just surprised it took so long. Miss Sunshine, in a moment of profundity, recently said "I don't know why, but this feels like the end." The world is ending, darling. For if something is changed to such a degree that it has next to nothing left of the original matter, it isn't called an amendment, it's an abrogation. And fundamental rights are all about the government and power. Politics.

Everything creeps up everywhere else and I'm getting lost in the million multicolored ribbons I'm using to connect it all. But at least I now know what near-total loss of control feels like. It's scary, but it is a rush.

Anyhow, I have wasted enough time. I really should try and read up some history. Goodnight folks. Hopefully, my next post won't be during class hours tomorrow.

Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Gun Song
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I really do not think I will be able to get out of this one without some serious damage. I suppose it's too late to start worrying about that now. It's also too late to do much, but... well, let's struggle as we drown, shall we?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Just Another Wednesday

It's annoying how the closer a situation is to you, the harder it is to read clearly. Or maybe that's only the arrogance of the distant. Objectivity? That's just a word.

I missed first hour again. I think I could have made it, but I didn't leave. Also, sadly and gladly, I now have a new charger. I was supposed to go for my history consultation today, but considering I haven't read anything, I don't think that's happening.

Yuck, I'm just not in update mode right now.

I have half-an-hour before class and a bunch of things I could do. I should probably practice the chords I learned yesterday before I forget them.

Disjointed and pointless.
And that's Apt.

Now playing: Velvet Underground - sunday morning
via FoxyTunes

Monday, July 27, 2009

Riding the Thermals

"In a place like that, someone like you, can either climb ...or slide."
It really is your decision to make

But these claws weren't meant for holding on
and these wings weren't made to fly

We aren't falling, we're streaking across the skies, light from our shadows lighting up galaxies.

The universe is a large place

and there have to be more
Isn't one large enough to get lost in?
Isn't one small enough to always be found in?

Darkness helps, but I can't sail time up stream yet.
The wind's on our side though...
I suppose it's all we need.

Climb or slide?
Fly or fall?
I'm just gliding, sir.
And yes, I do know I'm on fire.

Now playing: Bob Dylan - Knockin' On Heaven's Door
via FoxyTunes


Life is all about rules.
First, learning them. Then, bending them. And finally, breaking the ones that you can't work around.
"You're wrong only if you get caught."
I hear you, sir.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Desensitization, That's what it's all about. You just have to get used to things. And then they change, and you get used to the change. Adapt. Survive. It isn't all that dismal as I'm making it out to be, but I'm pretty annoyed with change right now. I feel like we're having dis-jointed conversations. Time's at fault, as always. It's been moving at funny speeds, and laughing at all the foolish humans who actually believe that it moves at a constant speed, in one direction. Ha.

I know I keep saying that the world's gone crazy, but you have to believe me when I say it's true. What kind of world has clothes hanging from wires strung between crosses on graves? A small black dog eating the food kept for the idols in a little shrine. Green castle, almost entirely non-existent. The sky is brighter with every passing night. I found a ten of spades thrown on one side of the road, while two packs of Spades and Clubs were scattered further ahead. There are advertisements on TV that encourage walking around while you're on the phone. And in a tiny font at the bottom of the screen runs a line saying something to the effect of "Talking on the cellphone while crossing busy roads and at intersections is advised against". There's a chick holding a country-wide competition where the winner shall marry her as the prize... and people actually volunteer to get humiliated along with her on National Television. We're at a point f time when you can't even smoke a cigarette in a pub. Closer to home, Nagarbhavi has had to have the alternate car parking boards put up. There are strange people everywhere, with their loud fast cars and their "super-bikes". And nowhere is safe...

How did it come to this? When did all of this happen? I feel like I'm back home after a long vacation only to find out half my friends have gotten married, while the others have changed jobs or are in jail. I don't understand how I didn't see it happen. Was it really so sudden? I wouldn't know... Time. Maybe it's been happening throughout, and I just never noticed...

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Lazy Sunday?

I woke up before 8 am with over 8 hours of sleep done with. For a Sunday morning, that's an awesome feat. No hangover, no call list checking, no hazy flashbacks from the night before... It's a rare Sunday.

On a more worrisome note, I must start attending classes. I've been to class 5 days this week, and missed at least an hour on 3 of those 5 days.

Off to Pecos. Will continue later.
Or not.

Friday, July 24, 2009

$ - II

As long as we don't forget
the reason we set out to sail
The shore will come into sight
An almost holy sort of grail

But who really remembers who he was
in that lifetime lifetimes ago
And the pretty picture on the postcard
has long gone up in smoke

Won't you speak up, dear darling
I want to drink up your every thought
and remember each word you say
will it replace each one I forgot?

Ah, but Apologies and Bitterness
have no place here at sea
Every beautiful thing is flitting by
I know it can't be just me

So hold my hand, my friend
As we go down with this sinking ship
The world is coming to an end
And we're at the end of our last maiden trip.

The Other Side

"You have one minute to convince me to let you walk out of here alive, Jeremy."

He swallowed, shifty eyes zipping to every corner of the dimly lit room, looking for any sort of escape. Of course, there was none. The two men standing behind my desk had enough ammunition on them to reduce Jeremy to something resembling shredded pink cheese. And he knew that. One of the dogs growled, making Jeremy take a desperate little breath.

"Begin", I said, quietly,

"It was him. He showed up just as the ships were leaving the dock. I don't know how he did it. I mean, I do know. But not really-"

"Shut up!"

William took a step forward but stopped as I raised my hand. Jeremy flinched and went three shades paler. I didn't think it was possible.

"Who was it?", I said, keeping my eyes locked on to Jeremy's.

"The... the white soldier guy."

"The white soldier guy?"

"I dunno what he calls himself. But that's what he looks like. Look, I swear we didn't know anything. The deal was all worked out using the codes and numbers told to us. No one else knew."

"Except the one who sank two of our ships?"

Jeremy had stopped looking like he was going to cry. The sudden blank look in his eyes wasn't something I wanted to deal with right now.

"Go to your room."

"Huhn?" He looked stunned.

"Just go. I'll deal with you later."

He looked at me blankly for a minute before swaying to the door. William followed him out quietly. I didn't have to tell him to be careful. Everyone knew what part they had to play.

(to be continued)

Monday, July 20, 2009

$ - I

The world is goin' crazy
and I'm the one that feels insane
The people inside you and me
were here with the gray men, again.

The walls are now the ceilings
and I can't seem to find the floor
There's a faded rose at my window
A lame skeleton at my door

The ants begin their marching
They've made their way into your hair
I reach out, to try and brush them away
but I don't think I'm really there.

And things just keep getting crazier
It's an even stranger world out there
You come knocking at my door
but I can not begin to care

I melt slowly into the night
Except that it really could be day
And I don't know what time it is
for all I know, it may be May

And well, it's a night of madness
and I think the world may be about to end
We're on the ship to nowhere
And the dead are our only friends.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Dark Side

A : Come over to the dark side, it's where you belong.

Z : Come over to the dark side, we have cookies.
What is this vague concept of belonging? I'd rather have the instant and relatively certain gratification to be obtained from the promised cookies.

A : The cookies wont last long.

Z : Neither will you.
It's not that I don't believe in a world where honor and courage are qualities every soul instinctively possesses. And where love is something more than an insipid word borrowed from millions of poets and artists who caught a mere glimpse of that realm. But this world is not that one. I believe in God too. I'm just not sure if the God I believe in exists.

A : The existence doesn't matter. Your belief does. This world is lost. Caught in a spiraling whirlpool that sucks out what we dream of as 'love'. But the remnants must still be found. And they can be. Look out through the window.

Z : You assume, vainly I may add, that love is what everyone is looking for. Don't be so quick in projecting your hopes and aspirations and reasons for your existence to an entire world, even though I must say, I fear you're justified in doing so.

A : It's an example. The most popular story of something valuable that was lost. So much more is gone, to our infinite grief. Or maybe not. How can we grieve something we never knew? But there are flashes of a world long ago, a few crumbled pieces.

Z : I'm tired of wandering aimlessly in crumbling ruins of forgotten parts, yet I cannot, cannot go. It doesn't mean I want to stay. It's just that I don't think I can leave. And it's too loud a world out there. This may not be sanctuary, but it really may be all there is. The stragglers? Or just shadows from that world we keep worshiping? I don't know. And sometimes I fear it's just another answer that I will never be able to find.

A : It's a world in your head, in the dark recesses of your mind left unplumbed. Maybe you don't have a reason to cross over, maybe not a reason compelling enough. But the shadows surround you and if you want to escape them, find the sanctuary within yourself. But the shadows beckon. And someday you will give in to their lure.

Z : These shadows you speak so fondly of? I've lived with them so long, I'm not sure which earth flies below my own feet anymore. Perhaps its doesn't matter. Perhaps someday I'll have to worry about having a place to belong. For now, I want to watch the moon through broken shards of stained glass windows that stubbornly cling to dilapidated walls. It's beautiful. And for tonight, it's reason enough to stay...

Now playing: Bob Dylan - It's Alright Ma (Bleeding)
via FoxyTunes

Friday, July 17, 2009

It's alright

I think I could live with this schedule. If I get to sleep for 8 hours every third or fourth day, it isn't all that hard. The classes on the last two days are nearly impossible, but well, nearly. And once admin classes start, I'll probably get some sleep there too. It's a temporary solution, but at least it is a solution. Anyhow, it's a little after dawn and I guess it's alright...

Now playing: Bob Dylan - The Man In Me
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, July 16, 2009


It's funny how the scariest places feel the safest sometimes. I suppose it has something to do with the island theory. Sanctuary. I fear the concept, but it still distracts me. I'm just afraid of the price we shall all have to pay. And it keeps getting worse. They said Rock n' Roll would never die, but it's dead... and we're still floating in the same old requiem. Everything is forgotten eventually. Most of us just don't live that long. Be glad.

I used to know where I was going, even if it was just a place in my head. Now... well, I can't tell anymore. And I really do try to care, but I don't...

Maybe nothing ever changes. Maybe whatever does change does so only inside our own heads. I don't know anymore. And now, I can't even be sure I ever did.

Where is my mind?
Now playing: Bob Dylan - It's All Over Now, Baby Blue
via FoxyTunes


This is horrible. Not only did I miss the first class today, I also got marked absent for a class I was present for and awake in. And if that wasn't enough, I had a shot at getting marked present except I spazzed out and blew it. I need sleep. I hope The Hangover is worth it. And I hope I don't fall asleep in the hall. Though I can't deny that it actually does sound appealing...
Now playing: Bob Dylan - Man Of Constant Sorrow
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I was recently told that half of my posts show up in a weird trippy font. It was unintentional. I think I've fixed it now. I think this happened because some web browsers don't support the Webdings font. Whatever. It's uglier, but at least it's English now.



Some memories should be forgotten

But you can't tell now which memory has what purpose to serve. And we learn the most from our darkest hours. We are who we are today because of the choices that we made. One must make peace with himself before he can even begin to deal with a demon. Peace is such a long term feeling, it's okay to use substitutes. (And they are expensive.)

Oh well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that: Memories are the cause of all misery, but sometimes they help when nothing else can. They really are so very necessary...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Monday is the Weekend's Hangover

Once again, it's almost dawn and I'm still here. Any more of these posts, and you'll begin to think you're actually sicker of sunrises than I am. Well, you'd be wrong. Anyhow, I guess I should have expected this. I did sleep through most of the day. There are consequences of engaging in 15 hours of steady intoxication. We live with consequences.

Tomorrow's Monday. Well, technically, today's Monday. I don't know how I'm going to stand 4 hours of class. I've only attended two days of class and only one hour on each. That was bad enough. It's true, time is so slow, it could be going backwards. Well, there isn't too much of a choice. Also, it is only the beginning of the trimester. If things get too bad, I suppose I always do have the option of leaving. Too early to worry about that yet though. There are still 4 hours to class... Damn it!!! There are only four hours to class!!!

Sigh. Why am I surprised? I guess I should try and get an hour's worth of sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a really long day. And sooner or later, things are going to start sinking in. I'm going to need the energy...

Monday truly is the weekend's hangover.


If messed up priorities is really what comes before no priorities at all, I'm not really sure if it would be Nirvana. But honestly, I don't think I would like that.
I mean, I'd rather be confused or even wrong about what's important, rather than have nothing that's important at all.
At least, I think so...

I can't be sure about anything anymore.
A long chain of endless distractions and addictions.
And it spirals...


Where do I even begin?
These thoughts in my head are not supposed to be here.
But I can't get rid of them.
And I can't find what I'm looking for.
It's all white noise.
(And it hurts when it echoes)
I'm really sorry,... but I need to finish.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I woke up around 1300 hours on the 7th. I haven't slept since. And now, I just can't fall asleep. I guess it's only a matter of time before I do... I hope so... Though something tells me I'm going to be awake to welcome the hallucinations. Well, it's been an insane week. I don't want it to end. I don't want college to begin. I'd be sad, but it's such a pointless and taxing emotion, you know?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Since it's getting early

We missed out on entire worlds. There aren't even any tickets. It's like wanting to go somewhere with absolutely no way to get there. Not 'like', that's exactly what it is. That's pretty strange, you know? I mean, those kind of things aren't supposed to happen, right? But I guess all sorts of things happen here... wherever that is...

Anyhow, I'm quite exhausted, though I don't really know why. Maybe I just need a change of scene. I'm tired of watching the sun come in the window every morning, and tired of staring at the same four walls. It doesn't mean I love my room any lesser, but I just have to get out for a while. I can't believe I've been here for an entire week. Wow. That's a lot of time. That's 1/3rd of my holiday. But then again, time always passes slower when you're away.

I spent a lot of time on the terrace today. I remember why I like Gray so much. Gray skies are the nicest kind.

I also ruined my headphones. The wire got caught in the door. Don't ask. It was a highly spaz move. It's a pity 'cause these were really great headphones. They shall be deeply missed...

Moving on, I just feel like typing, so I shall ramble on for a while. I don't believe a pack of Milds now costs Rs. 94! That's just horrible! And wrong!!! This doesn't help anyone! We'll all have to switch to cheaper cigarettes and die! As of now, it's Navy Cuts, but you can't smoke them one after the other for too long. Sigh, such trauma.

I have to go to town tomorrow to meet part of 'The 8'. And 'lunch' is in Mangalore Paradise. Sounds like a full day again. It'll be kind of relieving after the annoying day I had today (though it did end well). Someone almost broke my door down in the afternoon. Bastards. I freaked out and decided to clean the room. Unfortunately that involved consumption, after which I ditched the bank plan and passed out instead. I really do want the fool dead...

Oh no, now I've gotten all worked up again. Tch. I'm sharing my room with a mouse and a frog. It's so bothersome cause I chase them out every morning and they're back by evening! I don't even know what to do anymore...

For now, I shall finish this bottle of water and then try falling asleep. Great. Now a stupid moth has joined the party. I can't even begin to be bothered. Sigh. Goodnight folks. And remember, Rock 'n Roll is here to stay!

Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, July 5, 2009


Damn it! I'm almost out of cigarettes! Now I'll *have* to leave the room. I hope the moron who woke me up burns in eternal hell. And the stupid frog is back as well. Maybe I should stop blogging, get rid of my phone and move. Maybe.


I think I have nothing to do today. I think I shall spend the whole day in bed. I hope it rains. And I hope it gets really cold.

I can't find the band-aids anywhere.

Some first year parents knocked on my door at 8 am. Idiots. I've made myself a "GO AWAY" sign in blue, orange and green and taped it on my door, but I still can't fall asleep... And it's 9 am on a holiday.

Tell me what you want, and I'll give you what you need.

I have to pick a history topic, pay my repeat fees, eat some real food and make my head stop hurting. And I thought I had nothing to do...

Now playing: Gary Jules - Mad World
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Hey guys! The fish follow the mouse pointer!!! Try it! Such fun!!! Okay, I shall stop with the exclamation marks. Just feed them a little food first and then move the mouse around. The fish shall follow.

P.S. Mouse pointer sounds weird. Mouse cursor? This is like forgetting 'font' all over again. sigh.