Wednesday, February 25, 2009


She leans forward
And looks up at them
Black hole eyes that almost stop the noise
She leans back
and I flinch as she yawns
Sure enough,
the hand shoots out
and I close my eyes
She rubs the side of her face
almost puzzled
And then looks up at them again
as they wait with bated breath


and turns to go
Mother begins to cry
and he commands she stop
She turns around again
And waits
Lifelessly bored
Calmly still
Insolently unashamed
And I think I begin to cry

Black eyes meet brown
and I pause
A command, an order
and a smothered plea
I bow my head
and dry my eyes
And stand as straight as her
Another blow
and the world begins to spin
Mother cries again
and father looks on in pain
But she sees no one but me
and I stand straight, like a reflection
Except I can't find the pride
of one that has stolen the crown
from under the king's nose
and laughs all the way down...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Would you be the truth
for all the countless lies?
And God said "Let there be light!"
Would you forgive me for all the things
That I am about to say tonight?
(Thank you for your time)

I only wish that it would stop
That I could whisper the magic words
And I could tell it when to start again
I love the cold I hate
And the endless, calming, enveloping rain...
(Come with me but then leave)

And comforting words
that never intended to be taunting
echo and revolve and turn around
Till they convince me that they can fly
and then burn coldly to the ground
(And I refuse to cry.)

Stand in the rain and breathe the cold
If you're a swan, then what am I?
Sing that song so you can cry
Bleed a little so you can drink the guilt
And say my name, so I can die
(Say it again and I'll come back to life?)

A hundred million lifetimes
Each fragmented into a thousand more
Reflecting a tiny piece of the piece
that no bird ever managed to grab
There was never any release
(And I lied because I can't deceive)

And the songs, they continue to play
(He asked for gold, now the children are gone)
Till not even a tear is left to fall
and you can hear the smug whispers
"She's too cold for us all"
(You're the ones who let them go...)

But I am not cold, I want to scream
Except my voice has frozen over
The little mermaid gave up sound
and I am only allowed to watch my heart burn
so very coldly to the ground
(Just when I believed it could fly)

Mad Girl's Love Song

- Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Monday, February 23, 2009


Like the sun
a little too close
I turn and run
Trying to escape the light
but I'm never fast enough
and I always stay
An endless wait
is only endless
because what you are waiting for
slowly disappears
without a goodbye
But, what do you do
when it quietly walks up to you
kisses you
and smiles straight through you
Do you smile back?
or do you run?
Or do you start to walk?
One step at a time
...No matter what direction you walk in
No matter what you get closer to
You're only getting further away
As I stand here to wave goodbye

My way through

A half goodbye
like a pledge
only I swallow the solemnity
and laugh my way through the despair
Darkness and the light
Another sip
and then it's over
A cigarette?
Only to light my way through the dark
And I refuse to cry.

I know my dear

"The moon"
she whispers
half a choking cry
"I know my dear"
he begins to say
but instead stops to watch her die
"I don't want to be saved"
she breathes
watching the wind in the leaves
"I know my dear"
he begins to say
but instead prepares to grieve

Growing up

What can I say?

When you asked, all I wanted to say was "Yes. I think so. Lets"

Instead, all I said was "I know. No. What's the point?"

And that's why I hate growing up...

Saturday, February 21, 2009


How do you decide whether you should do something or not if you can't fully comprehend the consequences?

I've always been confused about my indecisiveness, but I think I've finally figured out how this works. As long as I know what's probably going to happen as a result of my actions, I can decide. I can choose. It may take me a while, but I always can.

However, when the decision is to be made regarding something where the consequences are such that I either can't comprehend them at all, or something horribly mundane and unimportant, I never know what to do. You can give me a day or a month or a year, and I still won't know what to do...

All this revelation thing is fine and everything, but it doesn't help one bit!!! I need to do something and I need to do it now. Or I need to stop thinking about it.

"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do."

Damn it!

Oh well, when you can't decide, I think you should always look for poems, quotes or songs dealing with the question. The great secret (that you're better off not knowing) is that you never let them decide for you. You subconsciously choose the song/quote/poem where the choice that you want is made.

Thus, you get to do exactly what you want without even having to figure out what it is that you do want. It works perfectly.

I guess I know what I'm going to do now...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Everything and Nothing

I am everything. And I am nothing.

You hate it when I say it like that.
"The second part shouldn't be there" you say.
"Why can't it be 'Everything and more?'"

you can't be everything if you are something
You can't be everything if you are anything

To be everything, you have to be nothing at all.
And so, I can say with a faint (and perhaps misplaced) sense of pride, I am nothing... and I am everything.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Quietly, I pick up the rose
that you place before me,
proud and nervous
Dying for the dead?
I look up at you and smile
Because I hate it
and you expect me to love
Should I?

I bow and listen
Jagged edges caught in rusted nails
Hiding in calm soothing wood
Death does make one feel the need for vengeance
So I nod in sympathy
for you can not hear them
And I bleed proudly

You wash away the pain
and look at me with pride
Yet I can see the disappointment
I could not even cry
So I hurry, pretend to feel the pain
and look on in guarded sadness as you hammer away
You can't kill the dead
Can you?

I ask for the moon
hoping you will laugh and mock me
so that I can frown
But with a pleased smile and a ribbon
you hand it to me
and I kiss you
because that's what's to be done

You love me more as I grow paler
Saving me from the sun?
or because it suits the dress you bought me
It's calm, pretty and white
Light, hopeful and pure
even though you'll never say it
And so I smile
Because you pay me to...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


She walks into the room, barely suppressed excitement oozing out into the air, making it difficult to breathe without choking on the expectation of drama. He's missing again. I know it before she tells me. I always do.

His mother is frantic. At first it's confusion. Then rage. And now a little bit of worry seeps in through the corners of the tightly sealed doors and windows. His father has just been told. The boy is in real trouble. Again.

Lazlo and I exchange sympathetic looks guarded closely behind blank faces. At least, for once, he is better at it than I am. I am still finding it hard to breathe normally. She questions him, and Lazlo denies having any knowledge about the boy's disappearance. She looks at him in disapproval with a faint tinge of pride. It's never her son. Lazlo looks almost uncomfortable, and I feel bad.

She walks out of the room, expressing her concern for the boy and decides to call his mother so that they can go look for him together. Front row seats, I think viciously. And then let the guilt gnaw at my insides for even thinking such a cruel thought. Of course she's worried. That's the look in her eye. Why am I focusing only on that glint?

I wait till she's gone and then turn to Lazlo, keeping my voice calm so as to not scare him. He doesn't know. I can always tell. They've become too predictable. All of them. My head starts to hurt and I think of the medication my mother has just been prescribed. I think she bought the pills today. I try to think of something else. Anything else, but there's a black hole in my head and all the thoughts are sucked out before I can comprehend them.

Lazlo looks at me strangely and I manage a glare. He leaves the room and I let my head fall forward. I can hear them arguing outside. Somewhere in the middle of the argument I hear my name. I don't even bother trying to listen anymore. It's always the same anyway.

My father leaves to help find the missing boy. My mother hurries along. Don't forget your camera, I think and once again feel the all too familiar guilt melting my insides. I ignore the feeling. As always.

And as I let my mind go dull with hunger, I manage to wonder where he really is. A part of me hopes he finally found the courage to do what he was planning to, though the sane part of me is shocked that I can even think that way. I don't feel too bad. Takes too much effort...
Good luck Boy. I'm rooting for you.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

A color quiz

I think you (yes, you!!!) should try this.

Accurate personality test


Some of the descriptions below are written in the third person, others- in the second; it is all about you.

General Characteristics (gray table)

Oppositeness + dependence + concentration
You consider only your own opinion stubbornly reject everything that could hinder you from carrying out your plans.

Your Desired Objective

Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or opposition. Sticks obstinately to his own point of view in the belief that this proves his independence and self-determination.

Existing Situation

Relatively inactive and in a static condition, while conflict of one sort or another prevents peace of mind. Unable to achieve relationships of the desired degree of mutual affection and understanding.

Your Restrained Characteristics

You insist on the necessity of the realization of your wishes. Willing to acquire a new self-confidence with the help of gentle encouragement and support. But you focus your sensitivity on your own emotions, and, as a result, are vulnerable and easily offended. Insist on the feasibility of your ideas and hopes. You have to prove your case with every step you take, and you need unobtrusive encouragement

Your Stress Sources

Feels unappreciated and finds the existing situation disagreeable. Wants personal recognition and the esteem of others to compensate for the lack of like-minded people with whom to ally himself and make himself more secure. His sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for him to give himself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs him as he regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome; only by not succumbing to them, he feels, can he withstand the difficulties of the situation. Wants to be valued as a desirable associate and admired for his personal qualities.

Your Actual Problem

The need for esteem--for the chance to play some outstanding part and make a name for himself--has become imperative. He reacts by insisting on being the center of attention, and refuses to play an impersonal or minor role.

The Queen in School

Speaking of dreams. I should write mine down before I forget.

Okay, the sequence of events is completely jumbled. I shall just write what I remember.

The whole thing was set in near future. I was in NLS, but the building structure was that of school (K). Also, there was some kind of fest going on and the current event was some tennis tournament and a volleyball match.
  • A Queen in a church like huge hall/room. I was sitting on the last bench. There was a guard who worked only two days a week. She was giving me some kind of cryptic advice right before I left for some ball.
  • There was some NLS party like thing where the school canteen now stands. The lights were magenta and I was with Lillin, Anglicized Aurangzeb and someone else (can't remember). There was something important that we had to discuss but were pretending we were just dancing because someone was spying on us.
  • Boxer chick (:P Don't kill me) and Gaadi boy were running around trying to find out where the tennis match was being held.
  • It was Christmas for a little while. Then I think it became Valentine's day. Or the other way around.

Don't you Cry, It's Only a Dream

I've heard this song somewhere...

I mean, I know I've heard it lots of times... but I've heard it somewhere recently... and it was a sad time. But I can't remember...

Can't remember...

I seem to be unable to remember a lot of things these days. Sometimes I know it's positively, terribly important that I remember and I think for hours and hours. Once in a while, I remember, and the feeling is amazing... but more often than not, I have no idea what memory it is that I'm trying so hard to recall.

So, tonight I'm going to wonder where I've last heard this song. Maybe a pub? A car? Someone's house? Maybe it will come to me in a dream. Though I honestly don't know how that is any better.

It's funny. When you wake up, you remember everything from your dream for a few moments... and then it's only traces of the feeling that remain with you while your entire dream fades away. Well, Life is only a dream, right?

Only a dream...

Now playing: Guns N' Roses - Don't Cry (Original)
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day. Bleh.

The Perfect Guy


Section 1

Hair color?

Eye color?

Around 6 feet

Six pack?
Yes please *laughs*

Long hair or short?
Short and messy

Doesn't matter



Buff or skinny?


Section 2

Funny or serious?
A nice blend

Party-hopper or more stay-at-home?
Party at home?

Should he be able to bake or cook?

Does he have a best friend?

Is it okay for him to have a lot of female friends?
It's okay, but I'd prefer it if his guy friends were way more in number. Don't know why.

Out-going or shy?
A combination

Sarcastic or sincere?
Sincerely sarcastic... haha.

Does he love his mother?
I suppose so. Doesn't matter.

Should he watch chick-flicks?
Only if he has nothing else to do.

Would he be a smoker?
Probably. Actually, yes.

How about drinking?

And swearing?

Would he play with your hair?
I dunno

Would he have more than one girlfriend at a time?

Would he pay for you when you're on a date?

Does he kiss on the first date?

Where would you go for dinner?
Somewhere with nice music

Would he buy you flowers?
Once a year at the most

Would he lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies?
*sigh* yes?

Would he write poetry about you?
Songs would be cooler

Would he use endearments?

Would he hang out with your and YOUR friends?
Once in a while, even though he wouldn't like it very much

How about you hanging out with him and HIS friends?
Once in a while

Would he walk you up to the door at the end of the evening?

Would you hold hands?
Not too often

Section 3

Does he play soccer?




Water polo?

Golf or something equally boring?

Does he surf?
That would be cool



Can he sing?

Play the guitar?
Yes. Definitely.

Play piano?

Play the drums?

Can he keep his room clean?
Lol, doesn't matter

Is he an artist of sorts?

Does he write his own music?
Once in a while... and it's great

Does he have pets?
He loves them

Section 4

Does he use the word dude?

How about tight?
Only to describe music

Would he watch the sun rise and set with you?
If we're awake, why not?

What kind of car does he drive?
One that he loves

How old is he?
About a couple of years older than me

What's his name?
*sigh* I wish I knew...

MySpace Surveys

Love and Drugs


Valentine's day

Where's my gun?

I need to go



Awful things

Infiltrate your mind

Make everything else irrelevant


Monday, February 9, 2009

A post

I was just floating by - aimlessly, as usual - when I realized that it's been quite a while since I have actually posted anything that makes sense. Well, tangible sense anyhow. That is, if sense can be tangible in the first place... But that's an entirely different debate.

I just finished some Vanilla ice cream. And by finished, I don't just mean finished eating, I mean finished the box. As in totaled it. Or however, the cool kids say it these days. (Darn it, I feel old.) My brother will kill me tomorrow, but for now, I'll just drink some more of this sickeningly sweet strawberry syrup.

But it is red. And suddenly, I feel a little sick. I think I'm done with red syrups for a while now.

The holidays have been... interesting. In a very boring mundane way. But unfortunately, they haven't been mundane enough to be comfortable. Because, lets face it, why else do people live in any kind of monotony? It's just comfort, security and safety (Yuck, I sound like an advertisement)... and the little annoying bumps in the road have made sure that I don't achieve that stability. So, I'm left feeling like a top that someone didn't crank all the way around. (Is that even how it's said?) I'm not strung enough to spin, nor am I standing still. I'm just wobbling around waiting to crash into one of those dining table legs.


Internship is pretty sucky. Sucky because there's no real work, and the timings are a pain. By the time I get home, I want nothing but lots of water and silence - which of course is impossible. (The latter, not the former... on good days {This story shall someday have it's own post}) Hence I get cranky and irritable. The perfect seasoning.


A month is all that's left. Here is where I start my "But I don't really wanna go back." Well, you know what? Screw it. I DO want to go back. If for nothing else, then for the sake of smoking my cigarettes without constantly looking over my shoulder. And of course, the 24 hour internet. And the weather. And Pecos. And the terrace.

Not to say I don't like it here. I do. I love watching endless episodes of anime and pointlessly listening to music. But it costs. And I've realized I can spend those 'resources' better. Not to mention my internship has effectively killed my holiday.

Stupid lawyers.

Anyhow, tomorrow is another working day. heh. I wonder whatever will happen if I fail to show up. Suddenly I have visions of myself cutting work and careening through the city with a laugh and a half. And then I see myself returning home, and my ship sinks.

Blug blug blug.
I'm sure a ship could sink like that!

Damn it. All this logical typing has made me hungry. Well, not really, but I do need an excuse to eat those chips.
Should I?
Should I not?
Ah, the illusion of choice in a sea of fate.
Such is the cruel nature of this world.

Do thou not love me Princess?

Logical sentences.

It isn't really my fault you know. It's just that I've realized it's so much more fun if you write as you think. Sometimes, you even discover things that you just never knew. Inside your own head!!! Though I am surprised that I am surprised. At the above fact that is, not the said discoveries.

Anyway, I am losing track and I already don't remember what I started this post with. it's time to go. Thin, crisp slices of packaged, deep fried potatoes await.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Even if...

It's all hooded eyes and taunting laughs
Subtract the cruelty, but keep the cold rain
And we shiver in the darkness
oh, looks like we forgot the lights again
and the sun's long gone

Half forgotten promises
and letters that will remain unsent
Scattered around the past
Living a life that seems to be on rent
and we laugh

Say my name again
and lets close our first two eyes
Blind ourselves to the dark
and all the silly pointless lies
that keep us safe

Like the cold
because it remembers to preserve
Remembers, unlike us, who live to forget
And so, each other we deserve
Hold my hand

It isn't love
And it isn't saying I'll always care
It's just all I can do
You know I'll always be there
Even if...

Even if it is just because there is nowhere else to go...


On some days
I think I should call out
But instead I just look out again
and watch the sea tease the shore
and I can only whisper to myself "Not anymore"
Not anymore
Not anymore...
Just loud enough for myself, not anymore

Every single time the water returns
Only I can feel the relief
And every time it laughs away
Only I can hear the grief

I would ask you to come back to me
Love, I would ask you to return
But I don't ever call
Because you can't leave
if you were never here at all
Never here at all
never here at all
No, you can't leave if you were never here at all

And so
I only watch you go
screaming in the language of the dead
I want you to understand me
But I refuse to repeat what I said

One day things will change my dear
Some day the earth and the sea shall not meet
Perhaps because the sea forgot to return
or maybe the Earth chose to freeze
But I refuse to watch you burn
Watch you burn
Watch you burn...
I apologize, but I refuse to watch you burn...

07 Feb 2009

07th February 2009.

Time just flies by doesn't it?
Sometimes anyway.
Sometimes, it just refuses to move.

And you find yourself stuck in one single moment for all eternity...

I was reading through some of my posts from a lifetime ago when I found this.

So much has changed
And so much remains the same...

I don't know which bothers me more.

A rainless part of twelve. Cold doesn’t seem the same anymore. And now, again I stand where I once stood.

The same, but just so different.

A few more days. Then it would have been a year. Ravens shriek and robins sing. And I miss the fire of the stars. 66. Should have got further.

The name’s Bond. James Bond. And then we all fall down.

To the end of the bottomless pit.

How many special people change?

Do they remain the same people? Are they still special?

If so, then why were there never any phone calls?

Why couldn’t there be any conversation?

“Yes darling, everything’s fine. I’m ok. How have you been?”

Senseless. Pointless.

“No, I’m not sleepy. It’s the drugs.”

Hurtful. True.

Click. Light. Drag.

Over and over.

Till everything is on the other side of the haze.

And if you concentrate hard enough, the voices stay there too. So you listen to none except the ones in your head.

“No. It’s not coz I was avoiding you.”



Songs that sing themselves.

Why have you forsaken me?

God doesn’t forsake any of his children.

And then darkness claims the fire. And she dances away happily into the cold.

And I know these voices in my head are mine alone.

“Don’t isolate yourself.”

I’m not. I’m jus isolating everyone else.

And they all fall down.

I just go higher. And higher.

What goes up has got to fall.

Original post - 27th January 2008.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Good enough?

So take care what you ask of me,
Because I can't say no.




Watch out for the blue screen.

Visions are all good, but they can't ever be real no?
And the ferry man has to be paid, or you're stuck between worlds my darling.
Stuck between worlds.

If you are leaving for ever and ever
remember to take your coat
Because it's been raining
and raining
and raining

So, run along
and don' worry
You won't be missed
Won't be missed at all
at all
at all...


She hates it when he asks those questions.
He knows the answer.
He knows that they can not go back.
There's nowhere for them to return to!!!

She sips again, and waits for the familiar feeling.
Warmth in the cold cruel air she was forced to breathe.

She sways as she stands and somehow makes her way to him.
He's sitting in one corner of the roof, fingers curled lightly around a cigarette that he offers before she can even ask.

She tries to smile, but realizes it's confusing trying to remember.
So she just sits besides him and they watch the sky lighten.


God doesn't care.
He doesn't, doesn't, doesn't.

Save yourself my friends and neighbours.
Save your friends and neighbours, dear friends and neighbours.

God isn't stoppping by today.


You have a place in my dream
Walking cycle
Weeping dog
Come aboard
I welcome you all
Ignore the crumbling ceiling
It just won't stay the right way up
And don't pay any attention to the screaming you know is in your head
That's just the terrible teenage twins, in trouble again, though they're dead
But still here.

Just keep walking
and you can all stay with me
We shall sing and laugh into the night
and I won't expect anything from you

Was I not mad ta you
a million multi-flavored lifetimes ago?
Can't be sure
Well, it doesn't really matter anymore...

So sit down.
Talk to me.
Tell me about the places you have been.
Tell me about places where I shall go.
I see green.
i see blood.
I hear screams
and I know it's all a dream
But I'm still falling
and falling
and falling
and I want to wake up before I crash

So sit down, you lonely ant
and be my friend.


Butterflies of black
You speak of death
But the ones that are golden always scared me more
So much more...

Friday, February 6, 2009


"Blinded (When I See You)"
- Third Eye Blind

Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to but
I never know when I'm done

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor around your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
But when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you

I never believed that things, they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned but
You're passed do you understand

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she's a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean, let me be clever
Hey, oh well whatever
But that's not what I mean
When where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight you know I'll never win

So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun

Time, it passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me, I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you

Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one

So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you
I'm blinded

An old friend?
Lets refrain from throwing words around, shall we?
When has "Not supposed to" ever stopped you before???
You come and go as you please, don't you?
Who am I to tell you this isn't the right time?
Who am I to ask you to stay?

The days fade whether you're here or not.
And I'm used to the silence now, so please, make yourself comfortable.
Don't worry about the damage.
I owe you as much as you owe me.
So lets just stop counting wounds and have another drink.
Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?
And isn't that what we're supposed to be?
Would you like some soda with that punch?

Don't thank me.
Stick to the rules.
It's your game.
They're your rules.

Anger takes feeling.
And I feel nothing for you.
Not anymore.

I have no energy for this fight.
But I'll still play along.
Let's just keep pretending.
Does that suit you?
I think it fits perfectly.

So, lets...
Lets pretend we're friends.
Lets pretend you actually give a damn.
And lets pretend I'm still waiting...

If we become the things we do...
well, you're dead.
And I?
I am a ghost.
And no, they're not the same.

Icarus flew too close to the sun.
He didn't fly away into space without a goodbye.
You don't have to promise.
I'll never ask you to.
Just don't ask me if it's because I don't believe in promises...
or because I don't believe in you...

You always came and went as you wished, didn't you?
Don't let me be the one to change that.

Still pretending, are we?
Anything for you.
Isn't that how this game worked?

You made your choice.
You were the one who left.
You don't get to turn this around.
And you do not get to blame me.

Tell me what you want.
Say what you're here to say.

Stay as long as you want.
But... this time, when you leave
Please don't come back...

I can't keep waiting for things you're never going to say or do.
And I can't keep staring at the sun...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Cycles and Spirals

Step 1.

You decide you may as well give it another shot. You pick up the pieces and start rebuilding your castle of cards.

Step 2.
Things seem to be working out. You grin and pat yourself on the back for making a "good" decision. You sleep well. You've got the foundation ready. A few more cards and you can make the next story.

Step 3.
Things start to get muddled up again. You worry for a bit, but then walk on forward determined. No way are you giving up now!!! Another layer of cards is added.

Step 4.
You run around in circles as a wind starts to blow. You try and protect your card building with your arms loosely around the sleepy clueless structure.

Step 5.
A card falls. You turn and blink and hope and pray... and then watch as everything falls apart.

Step 6.
You sit on the floor in the dark room, cards fallen all around you. You feel dejected, lost and defeated. And you don't know what to do...

Step 7.
A slight wind blows. A card flutters in the wind and falls into your half-open hand. You sigh and pick it up.
An Ace of Spades.

Step 8.
You laugh.

Step 9.
You study the card

Step 10.
You cry

Step 11.
You laugh again

Step 12.
Repeat Steps 8 to 10 till comfortable in the circle. And till certain that it is a sign.

Step 13.
Go back to Step 1.

There's a difference between a cycle and a spiral.

A cycle is repetitive and monotonus.
A Spiral usually ends in a crash or a drowning.
But still...
A spiral ends.

And this?
This is a fucking circle.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


What's the point?

Of arguing, waiting, yelling, sighing, crying, fighting, trying, explaining, bleeding, dying, pretending...?

Whatever happens, happens.

Deceive or be deceived.
Shoot or be shot.
Lie or be lied to.
Leave or be left behind...

Give me a cigarette, a light and I'd be quite content walking in the rain.


Monday, February 2, 2009

Just One More

Just one more?


Somethings never change.

Too bad everything else has to.


They can laugh at themselves
Maybe even cry
They can celebrate grandly
And sometimes they can fly

They can almost drown
and still make it out okay
They can lose it all
But grin all the way

Bungee jump, sing on stage
Play the guitar bit on that awesome track
Count to ten, control all the rage
But they know that they can never go back

And you envy them
and you curse and blame
while they laugh at you
and pretend it's still the same

But they can't go back
It's too far away
The bridges are burned
They have to stay

And once there were watches
Now there are only blue skies
If the tower has fallen
Doesn't matter how long you fly...

So, they laugh some more
and settle down for the ride
And when you begin to worry
they brush your concern aside

Coz though you would never ever guess
They know that they're here to stay
No, they can't ever go back
It's just so very far away

Sunday, February 1, 2009


She looked up and studied the expression on the dark haired girl's face. She saw anger, bitterness, contentment and a weird sense of pride. Oh, and of course there was the sadness. As always. But she was used to that. What she didn't expect to see was that strange look that kept hiding behind all the other masks.

That's what she would have thought... if it was anyone else she had been studying with such diligence.
But of course, it was just her mind playing tricks on her.
That was almost as rare to spot as tears, especially where this friend of hers was concerned.
Well, rarer in fact.

Much much rarer if you counted the imbalance that was sure to have hit by now.

And so, she shook her head, walked a couple of steps forward... and exhaled... making sure the other girl was lost behind a wall of fog.

Mirrors either lied completely or made you believe whatever you wanted to believe.

Only problem was, right now, both the options seemed to mean the same thing.
And she wasn't ready for it.
Not at all...


What did I learn today?

I learned that I'm a lot more bitter than I thought... and though that may not be a pleasant thing to realize at all, it somehow still makes me feel...
a lot better?

I guess...

It does...