A New Day

Dawn is breaking, and once again I'm awake to see the light.

Too bad that the line has no metaphoric connotations whatsoever. That would make life simpler, yes? Instead I'm left watching the same stars fade and fall away and the same old beautiful broken moon every time I take a chance and look up.

I've been searching the skies for too long now. Nothing ever changes. Well, nothing significant. I mean sure, sometimes the moon isn't even there. And sometimes a star I get particularly attached to decides to crash and burn, but in the end it's all almost the same. Almost.

They say hell is an endless cycle of similar events. I thought that was how life was defined. But then again, "endless" is pretty huge. Not something I can even dare comprehend without kissing sanity goodbye. Ah, but the only thing longer than forever is never, right? In which case it isn't exactly impossible to imagine eternity. We do so much worse every day.

It should bother me. The fact that I don't even want the sun anymore. But it's already been quietly accepted in a peaceful wisp of smoke. Besides, there are a lot of things that should bother me and don't. Why should this be any different? No reason at all.

Oh, I could fix my sleep cycle. I could sleep at night and socialize in the day. But these words keep floating by: "No one says anything important during the day." So true, and so deftly eliminating my one (make-believe) reason to fix things. Like a head shot.

Everything I need is right in front of me. And I'm not allowed to touch a thing. Because if I do, I can never have the things I want. And never is a very very long time. So, I lean back, close my eyes and let the smoke dance around. Fragile is relative. And Patience is a virtue. Glass is nothing but sand. Sometimes strength can end up becoming beautiful and fragile. But fragile is relative. And the moon always comes back. "Everything under the sun is in tune , but the sun is eclipsed by the moon." Eclipses are what everything is about. And everything is what eclipses are about. Maybe I should relocate, but where can I go to escape the moon? And why would I want to? Songs. Beauty. Silence. Words. Sadness. Memories. Perhaps I'm just an easy person to haunt. Perhaps it's what comes out of waiting on the dark side of the moon. A tear can sometimes help pass time. Me? I prefer cigarettes. I guess sooner or later, I'll have to take that last drag.
But not yet.
Not just yet.

You called?

I look into your eyes
waiting for a sign...
for a trace, a shred of memory
of what you'd left behind

Instead I see just darkness
Staring out at us all
A smile that reveals just as much
as an empty dilapidated wall

Where did your laugh go?
That never failed to make me smile
Where did your strength go?
That kept us going all this while

I turn away, tired of waiting
and I want to walk away
I don't know how to tell you
you haunt me night and day

But a step is all I can take
Before you quietly say my name
and suddenly I'm back to the day we met
and everything is the same

I tried so hard to catch you
But all I could do was watch you fall
Now I turn around again
How can I walk away when my name you call?

Written in December 2008

The Wait

I wait in the darkness
And I wait in the rain
I left once before
But never again
I wait as the sun sets
and I'll be here as it will rise
I wait with the roots
and look up to the skies
I wait in the darkness
I wait in the rain
I wait for your return
and I wait for the pain

Darkness

Darkness makes a comforting blanket when you know you're surrounded by light. When you know that all you have to do is peer out and you can see the day, darkness is inviting. It's self imposed. It makes everything a little better by making everything worse in your own head, if you know what I mean.

Darkness is scary when you're in a cold empty room and you can not seem to find the light switch. Darkness is confusing when you are afraid to pull back the curtains because you do not know if it would make you feel better to see the sun shining outside or just pitch black nothingness.

Darkness is relative. Black is dark. Gray could be dark. Darkness is annoying if you're waiting for dawn. Darkness is a blessing if you want to hide. Darkness is a friend when you want to cry. Darkness is an enemy when you don't know if they're lying to you.

It's always there though. Darkness is not an absence of light. Darkness is a shade that refuses to permanently fade. Someday the lights are going to go out... And darkness will be waiting. For us all.

I look out at night
Searching for the stars above
But I can't find them

Have you seen the stars?
Do you know where they have gone?
Can you take me there?