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I know how it works, but I don't know why.

"Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all."

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
In an ideal world, in an ideal world.. That's all anyone has to say.
What you don't get is that ideal is subjective too.

The more I understand, the less I know.
"Not knowing everything is all that makes it okay, sometimes."
Sometimes.

We itch and we burn and no one cares.
Maybe that's all there is to it.

That and the sky caught in the trees.

We're lost in this forest.

And it won't stop burning.

How long will we wait for the rain?
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I drew arrows, but they all swirled and swirled and grew tiny hooks and went all round. Now I can't tell where which begins, but I win anyway. I think. I did before, but I lost the last battle. I think this was before I met the fish, but I really can not be sure. It must have been today- or yesterday if you follow one single country's time.

If nothing is ever the same, then that would mean that everything is always the same, right? Except that doesn't make any sense and I can't understand what you're saying. You make the insides of my head hurt. Stop talking.
Stop talking.
Sorry, I think that was me, but we really don't know anymore, do we?
Do we?

But you had to die
and you had to leave the silence in your wake
Adieu.

Quit?

The seasons are changing. Unrequited love is on it's way out and quitting is in. Whether it's cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol or gambling, everyone around seems to be "taking a break". I was just talking to a couple of people I know; one is going to quit smoking weed while the other plans not to drink for the next six months.

After a particularly insane week, the only bit that worries me is that the idea isn't one I even considered. Quit? Why? And more importantly, what? Still, it's getting quite bothersome to keep up with who isn't doing what and what not to do with whom. If you know what I mean...

Oh, for the record, the two people I mentioned? Stoned and drunk respectively. (Emphasis added) Later.

The Insomniac II

Note: Yes, it is fictitious.

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake

I pass out sometimes and wake up in strange places with no idea how I got there. Sometimes there are people around who tell me what we've been doing. Sometimes I'm alone.

I share my flat with two other girls. We don't see much of each other, but the weeks when they aren't home are the worst. I wake up to find my windows open and the ashtray full. I wake up to find the water refilled, the T.V. on. I wake up in the hall clutching a bottle of orange juice, in my bed dressed in clothes I don't remember changing into. There are always cigarettes around, though I don't remember buying them. The whole world goes crazy until they come back when it all goes back to the once-in-a-while "Where the fuck am I?" morning. I can deal with those.

The only worrying part is the effect this is having on my memory. I don't remember walking to work, don't remember completing reports, don't remember attending official parties. I lose count of days and forget what date it is. I seem to be working on automatic. That isn't to say I don't fuck up every once in a while, but I manage. I suppose I could leave it like this for a little while, but then again, it isn't like I have a choice.

I am about to go to bed now; there's no water on my table and I am going to close the windows. I'm out of cigarettes and there's a dull ache at the center of my head. I think I can see the hours go by...
or maybe it's all just a bad dream.

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Wrong, he says, anger in the softest touch.
I laugh.
Not at the attempt, but to drown the fall.
Even empty streets have ears.
And Pride is fragile despite her wrath.

Lost, she says, crystal sympathy in pale blue orbs.
Startle me.
Captivate me.
Save me?
and I can't even try.
Turn the sun in her eyes, flee into the night.
You'll never catch me alive.

I would stay, like I once said
but I really have to go
Dodging hooks that fall like rain
is easier on my own

Confused, he declares, holding on cheerfully
to a crumbling dying past.
And all our worlds crash around us
like shattering crystal glass.
(I don't like it.
I know; please don't cry?)

I would reach out and touch you
But you're not really there
Dodging hooks that fall like rain
I know better than to care


Inarticulate, like the fishes on your wall, she says.
I pretend not to listen.
But I know.
We're all caught in undeserved pasts
She only continues to smile
While I sweep up the glass
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I know you

~

I know you from your shadow
The one I always see
at my window
Absorbing every word, quietly
Intently
~

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Swirling wisps of smoke
make their way through the rain
The sky's an ominous shade of gray
And we begin to fall again
From shaky pedestal to cloud
to Earth

The world's only so wide
And I can only run so far
Lightning fills the darkening sky
and I almost hear the beating of your heart
Above the music
Almost
~

Goodbye

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Things are getting too weird. I don't know what's wrong. There are just too many things going on. I'm overwhelmed. And I don't want to deal with any of this right now. So, I'm sorry, but I'm going to go away. At least for a while.

Goodbye.

Can't Catch Me

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I'm breaking my own vows, knowing I'll go down in flames.

I'd rather burn bright for a night than fade away year after year.

Memories are too fragile.

So are Humans.

Shattering shattering glass.

Watch me break into a million little pieces.

Watch me shine as I shatter.

You can't catch all of me.

And all you believe to be so precious

It's just a piece of polished stone...

You can't catch all of me.

Unless you're the vast blue sky.

And if you were, I would escape to the stars.
You can't catch all of me...

Projects

They're just not happening.
I can't work anymore.
Can't think, can't type, can't choose, can't decide!!!
I just want this to be over with without having to begin.

I haven't been here before, though I have seen the pictures.
I don't want to stay!!!
But I can't leave...
I can't...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
*sigh*
I need a break.

Annoyed

Why do people always become so much more annoying around project submissions? So much more retarded. Stupid questions and pointless conversations. Heck, if you really have so much of nothing to do, do my project! And if you do have something to do, then go do it!!! Get the hell away from me and stay the fuck away.

tch.

The Dancing Girl

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She danced in her very own secret purple dress, a distracted smile on her face and her heart on her sleeve.
I edged away quietly into the darkness, but I could feel her brown eyes lock on to mine.
Years later, there would be hurt and blame and a world's worth of tears as her nails made intricate designs on my skin.
Designs that wouldn't fade.

There would be days when death would come to play, and we'd stand around exchanging worried looks as we watched her laugh her way around the people we knew.
Secrets that twisted around what we thought were hearts.
I don't dance.
And I wear only armor on my sleeve.

We would grow and drift away, an occasional shout to let the other know we still remembered.
There would be acceptance, even through my mumbled apologies.
There would be a twisted sense of understanding, like the smile we sometimes shared.
I know why I'd take that bullet for you.
A second chance is rare, but dare I ask for more?
There are no lies.
We stick to delusions.

We have nothing to show for all of the past except fading words and scars.
Somehow, I don't mind.
As long as the music doesn't stop, we'll be fine.
I would rather watch from the sidelines.
But she's always been the dancing kind.

...

Thinking

Not everything works. Few things work this well.
A powerful technique, but one that requires aid and nourishment.
Evil monster baby, feed on our nightmares.
So cute.

And after much thinking, debating and a few scares, I've made my decision. Something needs to happen if we are all to continue this existence of ours, and if no one else will do anything about it... well, I will make them. We all have our own roles to play...

And the same song starts up again.
I watch the walls crumble into dust. And I watch them grow again.
It's not right, they're not supposed to grow, but they do so in front of my very own eyes!
...
Perhaps I only imagine it.

It isn't so much about choosing sides as it is about figuring out which side you already belong on. War isn't about choice you know. Then again, that's all it is about. Fundamental building blocks should be like the primary colors. Uncomplicated.

Tick tock.
I can feel time slither around me before melting away
laughing quietly in the night as I watch it with half closed eyes
You can't poison my veins Mr. Snake
I'm immune

Decisions finalized. Now to put the plan into action. What a pain. And there's no straight way to do this. Oh well, we'll figure it out.

Ssshhh, you're not letting me think!!!

They wait

Waiting endlessly, a sudden twitch unpleasantly and cruelly betraying their impatience. They wait for their orders in the shadows of the night. The green signal they need to carry out their work. Instead, they're given other roles. Meaningless inconsequential (seemingly anyhow) missions that hardly require any thought or art. And they grow more and more impatient.

Sometimes I think, one day, they'll just lose it. Instead of all this obedient waiting and watching, there will be only endless choosing, making and carrying out of plans. The superiors will watch dumbly as wave after wave of realms are finished with and woven anew, until finally the pattern is clear for the higher-ups to appreciate and take credit for. And no one knows about the guardian-angel like light that made them move without a single command. Siren. She sings us to sea without a breeze. And no one will ever know where she comes from. Except me, because I see her leave through the smoke. Cheap trick, but she pulls it off.

I only wish she did projects.

The Other Side

So I missed all four hours today. Again. That means I have crossed 15 classes in Pol Sci. Sigh. I hate this medical certificate drama thing, but I should do something soon because missing at least one more hour is inevitable. gah! So irritating.

On the bright side, I just found out that there's a general extension till Monday. This is super awesome news because I haven't started projects. I still have to go for my first juris consultation and the book I need for Crim is with one of the teachers. A weekend is more than enough though. I love when something sorts itself out!


Yeah, life isn't all about highness and/or dark clouds, though this blog could seriously make one believe that.

Warning! Rant!

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Being an insomniac is the most frustrating thing in the world! You're tired and so very desperately need to fall asleep, but no matter what you try, you just can't. You know that the next day will be horrible if you don't get some sleep, but there's nothing you can do. You tire of the internet, tire of reading, of writing. And you get so very tired of thinking. Something's gotta change. It can't go on like this. I can't go on like this!!! I need sleeping pills. Hell, I'd shoot meth if someone promised I would get to sleep!

...
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Theory - Over it!

Being over something, be it a song, book, movie, person or situation, does not really mean anything more than forgetting what being obsessed with that made you feel like. With songs, you usually hear them too often and get desensitized. With most other things, you simply forget.

Money money money

Hard cash is liquid.

Woah...

Short (relatively) Rant

If I promise to break all my promises, what can I do? Endless paradoxes, contradictions and co-incidences. That's all life is and all it ought to be. We can all find our way in the dark if we have to, but it's just easier in the light. Not that it matters if you have nowhere in particular to go.

I don't understand it. How can you have one set of friends all your life? How does that work? I would suffocate.

What harm can I do from the outside? Just let me stay and watch, at least until the light turns green.Then I'll drive away and never come back. I'm just building memories. They're all you have when dreams die. Heh. Wasting the present by saving the past for the future. It's like the whole living in the moment philosophy. You live in the moment so you don't look back, don't regret. In a way, you're living in the moment for your future.

I read this somewhere, "The fact that we've never seen a time machine means that either it is never built, or that we live in very boring times..."
Tsk.
So true.
But only on a macro scale.

What I Want

I want winter to get here. I want to crawl under my blanket and lie there for hours. I want to sip hot coffee and smoke endless cigarettes in the cold rain. I want to wear full-sleeved clothes.
I want it all to be further away.

I want reasons.
But none of yours.
I want windows I can look into. I want strawberry ice cream in the rain. I want to want to wait and not have to.

I want things to make sense -
even if just temporarily.

I want reasons to stay.
I need reasons to stay.

...

You don't count anymore.

I need winter to get here...

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything,
it is because we are so dangerously near to wanting nothing.."

- Sylvia Plath