Seasons

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The season of change is still here. Whether or not things are going to stay different is something only time knows. Secrets are burned or buried. Life is pointless, but there's nothing wrong with that. You can't destroy fairy dust. And dead fairies live only as long as you believe in them. I'm not me, but no one really is.

I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring or take away. And what I don't know about, I can't control. Ignorance may not be bliss, but it can come pretty close. Neglect works pretty well too... if you can kill off your conscience.

Even if I could fly, I wouldn't be able to get to the moon. And every single time I try, there's someone waiting to catch me. Tight ropes and burned bridges are fun to walk on. Because you know there are only two ways off. Either you reach the other side or you fall. It's all about balance. And you can't lose what you never had.

I used to think that you could only give what you have. But that isn't completely true. Sometimes you can give away borrowed things, even if you have no right to do so. You have to pay for everything, but that doesn't mean you can't get what you can't afford. You just collect debt. I'll deal with it later. Infinite debt plus a little more is still an infinite amount. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't change.

A fall from here won't be fatal.
And that is what worries me...

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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - She Looks To Me
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Stuck

Dawn is breaking, and I'm still here. Someone once told me something about inner peace and how it was necessary to be able to sleep at night. That would explain a lot. There's chaos inside my head right now. And the skies just keep getting prettier.

So much is happening, but I still feel like nothing is.

And I'm stuck in last December.

"Don't think about it now, you'll only make it worse."

I try.


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Sickness

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I'm going to fall ill. I know it. I can feel the dull ache somewhere in the center of my head. Or is it my mind? Whatever. And my throat hurts. It isn't surprising, considering how many sick people I've been hanging out with... including my own room-mate! And I suppose the midnight cold coffees and LMNs really don't help.

I can't afford to be sick. Not with my attendance being at the levels it is now. I don't know what I'm thinking. Project submissions are in three days and I haven't started either. In fact, I haven't had a single consultation. Wait, it gets even better. I'm not sure what my ADR topic is. And he's gone off somewhere to chill...

I don't want to fall sick. Not with project submissions and convocation so close. But, this time, I can't get myself to snap out of it.

Argh, this is pathetic!!!
*sigh*
Whatever has to happen, shall... I guess.
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Oblivion

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The world is changing too fast... and I can't keep up. I'm falling behind and getting carried away by strange currents.

(...They aren't half as bad as they've been made out to be)

I really don't know where it is that I'm going to, but I don't understand this world anymore. And I don't understand anybody in it. I don't want to know. I would rather leave, thank you.

You're only ever on the outside if you can't get back in.
Or won't.

I would really like to be asleep right now. I want to fall asleep and wake up only when I can't sleep anymore. I want to be bored of sleeping. Tired of it. I want real pent up energy instead of sugar rushes and sleep deprivation side-effects. And I want a small island that isn't on any map...

I already have a name for it.

Oblivion.


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Now playing: The Cranberries - 13 Dying in the Sun
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It's alright

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I think I could live with this schedule. If I get to sleep for 8 hours every third or fourth day, it isn't all that hard. The classes on the last two days are nearly impossible, but well, nearly. And once admin classes start, I'll probably get some sleep there too. It's a temporary solution, but at least it is a solution. Anyhow, it's a little after dawn and I guess it's alright...

.



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Now playing: Bob Dylan - The Man In Me
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Attendance

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This is horrible. Not only did I miss the first class today, I also got marked absent for a class I was present for and awake in. And if that wasn't enough, I had a shot at getting marked present except I spazzed out and blew it. I need sleep. I hope The Hangover is worth it. And I hope I don't fall asleep in the hall. Though I can't deny that it actually does sound appealing...

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Now playing: Bob Dylan - Man Of Constant Sorrow
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Home> Chapter 1 > HQ

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I took over the guest room today. I think it's important to have a sort of HQ to retreat to every time the firing gets a little too out of control. And the best part is, it's far away enough from the other bedrooms to allow for late night, mind-numbing levels of sound. Now all we need is a little balcony. :( I suppose one must not ask for too much, but that really would have helped make matters so much simpler. Now, I have to re-hunt for the keys to the terrace every single time... sigh.


P.S. I just can't seem to fall asleep. And this is strange coz I passed out on the flight! I never sleep when I'm flying!

Projects

They're just not happening.
I can't work anymore.
Can't think, can't type, can't choose, can't decide!!!
I just want this to be over with without having to begin.

I haven't been here before, though I have seen the pictures.
I don't want to stay!!!
But I can't leave...
I can't...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
*sigh*
I need a break.

Procrastination

I stayed up all night. Again. And how long did it take me to finish what I was trying to do? 25 measly minutes.

Also, the attendance situation demands I attend all of today's classes. Which means that I can't start the other paper before 1500 hours. Which further implies that I shall not finish by 1700 hours. Hence, I shall submit it late and ruin a beautiful holiday.

Procrastination shall be the death of me.

A Million Different Thoughts

There were a million different thoughts in my head today. Things I was supposed to come back and think about. Instead I chose to indulge in conversation that's been put off too long. And not just once, but twice! Anyway, advice doesn't help when it contradicts itself. And now I've forgotten what it was that I wanted to talk about.

It must have had something to do with the perfect place that was in my head all day, and which I finally found. (Thank you Agent Zero!!!) It could have something to do with the mid-night jam session that I was surrounded by for a few precious minutes... but I don't really remember what it was anymore... and it's so perfectly and unfairly fine.

I give it one more day. I always give it one more day. That might be part of the problem. I shouldn't sleep. It's already past four. And if I try and sleep now, there is no way I shall get to class tomorrow. Which I have to get to. I must.

But if I stay up all night, I'll just fall asleep in class and be thrown out. Ah, the logic the mind uses when it's been deprived of sleep for long enough! The only alternative is missing class. Again. Which I can not do. Not again.

I guess we're not the only ones who the universe plays with. I guess. I would say "I hope", but that would make me sound crueler than I really feel at the moment, which is never fun. Well, almost never.

And I know, that a year from now, none of this will matter. None of it. And that should be the worst part, but it's always the best. The unavoidable sense of the transient nature of it all. Nothing else matters, nothing but now, because now is greater than the past, and I know that. Damn it. There were too many commas in the previous sentence, but I really don't care anymore, so if this post annoys you, deal with it.

I shouldn't have. I should have. Only delaying the inevitable. You're always delaying the inevitable, but if you're really trying to stop that, you may as well try to fly. But you don't. Perhaps because sometimes, delaying the inevitable is only human? Perhaps. I wouldn't know. And I don't care.

I would lie. I do. But I would do it so much more often if you promised me I would get away with it. But then again, I would probably not believe you. So why try? "Lie or be lied to". "Deceive or be deceived". And it doesn't make you noble if you go ahead and try to prove the whole world wrong. It makes you stupid. Are you listening Mave dear? Never noble. Only stupid. We were so young. Everyone was, but does that mean it's not an excuse anymore?

I know I'm rambling. I may also be ranting. But it's past four in the morning. And I'm tired. And most importantly, typing has become so much easier than writing. I think that's fucked up. I really do. But, whatever works. And whatever works worked so long that I don't want to mess with it.

Even though that implies that I shouldn't have meddled with a lot of things that were moving along just fine. I guess that means we were right. We would mess up everything we had. Which is cool, because it was all about delaying the inevitable. There was a point made about this, wasn't there?

I could go on forever. I probably would, if it wasn't for the decision that has to be made now. Get a couple of hours of sleep or stay awake till it's time to leave. And that is so silly-ly profound, it's not even funny.

It's not fair that words and songs and quotes and memories get associated with people who you once knew. And it's pretty retarded to say that memories shouldn't do that, but it still isn't fair, because it makes you feel guilty about forgetting. Like getting flowers. Unless they're dead, but that's pretty retarded too.

I should sleep. I think I shall go now.

Lies

Don't ask me questions
when you don't want to know the truth
Because I'll lie as long as I can
but I'm doing it just for you
And I know you think you're helping
but I don't really understand
and the only reason I say the things I do
is because they're all that you can stand

I can't always tell what you're thinking
And I can't always read your mind
You say what you must, and then forget
While I can't leave any of it behind
So I stand back and watch it all go by
While you don't even see the rain
And yet when you ask me if the sun is out
I know that I can only lie again...

Cycles and Spirals

Step 1.
You decide you may as well give it another shot. You pick up the pieces and start rebuilding your castle of cards.

Step 2.
Things seem to be working out. You grin and pat yourself on the back for making a "good" decision. You sleep well. You've got the foundation ready. A few more cards and you can make the next story.

Step 3.
Things start to get muddled up again. You worry for a bit, but then walk on forward determined. No way are you giving up now!!! Another layer of cards is added.

Step 4.
You run around in circles as a wind starts to blow. You try and protect your card building with your arms loosely around the sleepy clueless structure.

Step 5.
A card falls. You turn and blink and hope and pray... and then watch as everything falls apart.

Step 6.
You sit on the floor in the dark room, cards fallen all around you. You feel dejected, lost and defeated. And you don't know what to do...

Step 7.
A slight wind blows. A card flutters in the wind and falls into your half-open hand. You sigh and pick it up.
An Ace of Spades.

Step 8.
You laugh.

Step 9.
You study the card

Step 10.
You cry

Step 11.
You laugh again

Step 12.
Repeat Steps 8 to 10 till comfortable in the circle. And till certain that it is a sign.

Step 13.
Go back to Step 1.



There's a difference between a cycle and a spiral.

A cycle is repetitive and monotonus.
A Spiral usually ends in a crash or a drowning.
But still...
A spiral ends.

And this?
This is a fucking circle.

Not my decision

And so it begins.

Again.

The same old circle.
Spiral.
Tornado.
The same fucking story.
Whatever.

I don't care anymore.
I won't care anymore.
It's supposed to be over.

The decision wasn't mine to make in the first place, was it?
Never was...
But I accepted it.
I made my peace.
I'm done.

I refuse to fall back into the same role.
That movie's over.
I don't want to play that character anymore.
She's not who I am.
I'm not who she was.
I'm who she became, and she doesn't belong in this story anymore.

....
...Not like that's going to change anything.
Everything is still going to happen as it wants to.
Or whatever wants it to.
Or whoever the hell wants it to.
I don't fucking know.
It's not my decision to make.
I can only decide whether to care or not.
And I've made my choice.



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Now playing: 10 - Call Me Call Me?STEVE CONTE
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