Wasn't me

I was there when it all happened, but that was not me.

"So long ago, so far away,
Was everything truly there?”

- Todd Willingham

Everything was.
I wasn't.

Free?

I'm beginning to think that I may not be able to finish my CPC paper by 4 pm today, though a part of me keeps chanting "But we always manage". Yeah, well, there's always a first time, darling. With 26 rupees on me, no money in my bank account and the sudden realization that I don't even have enough money to print out my project, there's little I can do but laugh.

The only rule to be kept in mind is to go down fighting. I guess this is a last minute thing. I hope it is. I'm waiting for the panic to kick in, but I can't begin to care.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I have a lot left to lose, but I think I'm working on that.


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Now playing: Godsmack - Mistakes
via FoxyTunes

Where is my mind?

.

I find myself thinking of winter, as I once did all through the year. Winter is my favorite season. Even the things that go wrong don't bother you as much as they do in the summer. I'm sure it has something to do with the sun. I suppose, in winter, the cold helps.

Monsoons are for pleasant melancholy mornings spent listening to the sounds of the skies rumbling above the music, wondering why you aren't in class. This attendance issue is really beginning to bother me. I don't understand why it's so hard just to get to class. It's just that I'm so weary...

I think it's a dark night. Not that I'd dare venture on to the terrace. I wouldn't come back for too long. And then I'd have trouble getting to class tomorrow too.

I should get some research done for my history consultation. I think today was the last day. And I also have to get a medical certificate.

I spoke to Emma a few nights ago. I remember the base with its safe walls. I remember the base with its iron bars. The golf course, counting stars. It was a fun time. And "My back pages" is playing now. ^_^ I love it when situation-fitting music plays. I was so much older then, I am younger than that now. I remember the frantic phone calls and sneaking out. The webs of million lies we all got ourselves entangled in; things that were so much bigger than any of us. Than all of us... It feels so strange to think back. I can still see Foreshore Road in my mind. That infinite stretch of blackness with dots of lights glowing along the water's edge. I remember every tree, every turn, every sign-post...

But dwelling on the past isn't something you can afford to do when the present is constantly turning into the past at a pace you can barely keep up with. And I've left those days so far behind. Survival is of primary importance. There isn't any place in this world for the things we dreamed of. And the things we thought we were fighting for... well, they never existed in the first place. I won't lie, it had it's own charm. The feeling that we were actually making some sort of difference. The problem is, in hindsight, I see the mistakes we made glow brighter than the things we did right. And it's a painful realization to have; that we are still living with the consequences of our actions as naive children who thought they'd seen the world. What does a night-owl know about the beauty of dawn? What does a bat know about the wrath of the sun? Mere glimpses. Next to nothing.

I think the last two years are catching up to me. It was bound to happen, and I'm just surprised it took so long. Miss Sunshine, in a moment of profundity, recently said "I don't know why, but this feels like the end." The world is ending, darling. For if something is changed to such a degree that it has next to nothing left of the original matter, it isn't called an amendment, it's an abrogation. And fundamental rights are all about the government and power. Politics.

Everything creeps up everywhere else and I'm getting lost in the million multicolored ribbons I'm using to connect it all. But at least I now know what near-total loss of control feels like. It's scary, but it is a rush.

Anyhow, I have wasted enough time. I really should try and read up some history. Goodnight folks. Hopefully, my next post won't be during class hours tomorrow.



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Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Gun Song
via FoxyTunes

Hotel California

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1053/in-the-song-hotel-california-what-does-colitas-mean