.
Realized I couldn't leave without a customary holiday post. But I was going to. Which is strange. I guess things change.
No more food whenever I want
(except there is)
No more cold,
white
metal bars that leave lines
and lines
and hurt
No more endless sleeplessness
(except there is)
No more soft, warm comfort
(except there is)
No more sobriety
Hell, yeah!
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Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Ebb
via FoxyTunes
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Friday, November 6, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Between the Bars
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I lean closer to the cold white bars hoping believing needing to think that the glowing lights in the sky are fake unreal false just like the lying comfort offered by a box full of twenty entire cigarettes knowing that we'll only crush destroy burn BREATHE in Breathe out breathe in STOP Run through fields that won't stop being green cold lovely even though they change morph melt merge like the insides of my mind after so long without smoke curling through my veins heart lungs NEEDING the steady chaotic destruction set in motion years months lifetimes ago REMEMBERING so little of promises lies laughter that only rings out loud in waves like nausea THINKING of unhappier times when the world was still the right way up even though it was easier harder the same and right things were decided by how hard it was to do them NOW it's burning cold hot CONFUSING me utterly completely entirely even though it's easier nicer more comfortable despite words running through my head like so much for Undying LOYALTY and becoming someone else for someone else who turns to someone else until I am you and you are me and there is no me because there is no you except things change morph blur like LINES that were crossed obeyed cut into little dots that rearrange themselves into rants that no one UNDERSTANDS including those they bleed from like rain tears vodka FORGETTING remembering wanting needing hating leaving because there are only so many things to choose from when decisions that can't be made are made in the vacuum of facts information MEMORIES that need to be buried with good and bad and good and bad until windows are closed against the cold November air except it's the wrong room state world because movies are NOT real life though they creep crawl laugh their way in while I lean against the cold metal bars looking at glowing lights that mock taunt laugh ECHOING endlessly until I leave quit die.
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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside
via FoxyTunes
I lean closer to the cold white bars hoping believing needing to think that the glowing lights in the sky are fake unreal false just like the lying comfort offered by a box full of twenty entire cigarettes knowing that we'll only crush destroy burn BREATHE in Breathe out breathe in STOP Run through fields that won't stop being green cold lovely even though they change morph melt merge like the insides of my mind after so long without smoke curling through my veins heart lungs NEEDING the steady chaotic destruction set in motion years months lifetimes ago REMEMBERING so little of promises lies laughter that only rings out loud in waves like nausea THINKING of unhappier times when the world was still the right way up even though it was easier harder the same and right things were decided by how hard it was to do them NOW it's burning cold hot CONFUSING me utterly completely entirely even though it's easier nicer more comfortable despite words running through my head like so much for Undying LOYALTY and becoming someone else for someone else who turns to someone else until I am you and you are me and there is no me because there is no you except things change morph blur like LINES that were crossed obeyed cut into little dots that rearrange themselves into rants that no one UNDERSTANDS including those they bleed from like rain tears vodka FORGETTING remembering wanting needing hating leaving because there are only so many things to choose from when decisions that can't be made are made in the vacuum of facts information MEMORIES that need to be buried with good and bad and good and bad until windows are closed against the cold November air except it's the wrong room state world because movies are NOT real life though they creep crawl laugh their way in while I lean against the cold metal bars looking at glowing lights that mock taunt laugh ECHOING endlessly until I leave quit die.
----------------
Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside
via FoxyTunes
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The World
Can't risk it. Either way. If you know there's an electric chair waiting for you at the end of two years, life can easily become quite pointless. At least you burn, and not drown. Would you remind me to breathe?
Thoughts should always be accompanied with a sub-title file. Or you should be allowed to talk in pictures. I wish everyone would paint. Giving up is easier in a gray world. The trick is to keep the black and white from separating.
The only constant that should be allowed to flicker is fire. And fire doesn't like being called a constant.
Is something eluding you, sunshine?
Join the club, darling.
----------------
Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - She Looks To Me
via FoxyTunes
Thoughts should always be accompanied with a sub-title file. Or you should be allowed to talk in pictures. I wish everyone would paint. Giving up is easier in a gray world. The trick is to keep the black and white from separating.
The only constant that should be allowed to flicker is fire. And fire doesn't like being called a constant.
Is something eluding you, sunshine?
Join the club, darling.
----------------
Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - She Looks To Me
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Wasn't me
I was there when it all happened, but that was not me.
"So long ago, so far away,
Was everything truly there?”
Was everything truly there?”
- Todd Willingham
Everything was.
I wasn't.
I wasn't.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Home> Chapter 1 > HQ
.
I took over the guest room today. I think it's important to have a sort of HQ to retreat to every time the firing gets a little too out of control. And the best part is, it's far away enough from the other bedrooms to allow for late night, mind-numbing levels of sound. Now all we need is a little balcony. :( I suppose one must not ask for too much, but that really would have helped make matters so much simpler. Now, I have to re-hunt for the keys to the terrace every single time... sigh.
P.S. I just can't seem to fall asleep. And this is strange coz I passed out on the flight! I never sleep when I'm flying!
I took over the guest room today. I think it's important to have a sort of HQ to retreat to every time the firing gets a little too out of control. And the best part is, it's far away enough from the other bedrooms to allow for late night, mind-numbing levels of sound. Now all we need is a little balcony. :( I suppose one must not ask for too much, but that really would have helped make matters so much simpler. Now, I have to re-hunt for the keys to the terrace every single time... sigh.
P.S. I just can't seem to fall asleep. And this is strange coz I passed out on the flight! I never sleep when I'm flying!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Hungry
.
It isn't like what they say is news. You've heard it all before. You know what they mean when they say they think you're fucking everything up completely. You know what they mean when they say it isn't anything novel you have to get used to. I'm done with the sympathy, I'm done with the apathy. Solitude used to be a once-in-a-while fun affair. It used to be a luxury. Now, it's just how I would rather live.
It isn't that I hate the people around me. On the contrary, I've realized that they're actually really nice genuinely concerned people. But I'm done with genuine concern. And nice was never a priority anyway.
It's been almost a year since I had the realization that my favorite kind of people were the selfish kind. Maybe it's 'cause they're such a welcome change from the artificial sweetening that seems to have been sprinkled all over the place. I like people who are mean to the point of being cruel, if only 'cause you never have to wonder about their motives or what they might actually want from you.
Anyhow, the trimester's almost over. To be honest, I've tried my hand at one of those end-of-the-term posts, but I can't do it. To explain this trimester in words would be like trying to explain a fast fading dream. It's not about how great or terrible these three months have been. It's about the surrealism. And now, it's getting too late to try and remember. I think this is the first trimester in Law school that I can look back at without cringing at memories of every second week... Actually... that isn't true... but the greatest part is that it feels like that. And in the end, I guess it is all about perception...
Anyhow, I have Fly on Monday. I don't know the syllabus. I don't know how to derive basic intestate succession shares. I don't know the difference between Muslim law and Hindu law. And I can't get myself to care. The only real problem with repeats is that you get used to them. Kinda like getting used to a dish you weren't ever really fond of. I guess one can eat anything when they're hungry enough...
.
It isn't like what they say is news. You've heard it all before. You know what they mean when they say they think you're fucking everything up completely. You know what they mean when they say it isn't anything novel you have to get used to. I'm done with the sympathy, I'm done with the apathy. Solitude used to be a once-in-a-while fun affair. It used to be a luxury. Now, it's just how I would rather live.
It isn't that I hate the people around me. On the contrary, I've realized that they're actually really nice genuinely concerned people. But I'm done with genuine concern. And nice was never a priority anyway.
It's been almost a year since I had the realization that my favorite kind of people were the selfish kind. Maybe it's 'cause they're such a welcome change from the artificial sweetening that seems to have been sprinkled all over the place. I like people who are mean to the point of being cruel, if only 'cause you never have to wonder about their motives or what they might actually want from you.
Anyhow, the trimester's almost over. To be honest, I've tried my hand at one of those end-of-the-term posts, but I can't do it. To explain this trimester in words would be like trying to explain a fast fading dream. It's not about how great or terrible these three months have been. It's about the surrealism. And now, it's getting too late to try and remember. I think this is the first trimester in Law school that I can look back at without cringing at memories of every second week... Actually... that isn't true... but the greatest part is that it feels like that. And in the end, I guess it is all about perception...
Anyhow, I have Fly on Monday. I don't know the syllabus. I don't know how to derive basic intestate succession shares. I don't know the difference between Muslim law and Hindu law. And I can't get myself to care. The only real problem with repeats is that you get used to them. Kinda like getting used to a dish you weren't ever really fond of. I guess one can eat anything when they're hungry enough...
.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Sleep!
Tomorrow's my crim paper and I just can't sleep. I know I should, and trust me, there's nothing I'd like more. But I've been living with myself long enough to know what this feeling means. I won't be getting any sleep tonight. And this is especially sad because for once I've finished reading whatever I intended to. sigh.
On a brighter note, today was an okay day. Except for the horrible Juris paper, but that can't be helped. One can not be expected to ace a paper based on class discussions when one barely attended class (and slept/tripped through the classes that were attended). Whatever. I just have to keep the repeat scene sufficiently swallowable so that my parents don't accompany me to Bangalore. Like my mother did last time.
Anyhow, with the help of a simple meaningless message, I realized that there are acually a lot of people I have come to grow quite fond of. At one point of time, warning bells would have been ringing in my head, but this is the new me, and I don't really mind. But maybe that's only because I'm not that hung up on the fact that it's all temporary anyway. What matters is that people such as the ones I know actually exist in a world like this. And knowing that makes everything infinitely better.
Anyhow, I'm off to try and get some sleep. G'nite.
On a brighter note, today was an okay day. Except for the horrible Juris paper, but that can't be helped. One can not be expected to ace a paper based on class discussions when one barely attended class (and slept/tripped through the classes that were attended). Whatever. I just have to keep the repeat scene sufficiently swallowable so that my parents don't accompany me to Bangalore. Like my mother did last time.
Anyhow, with the help of a simple meaningless message, I realized that there are acually a lot of people I have come to grow quite fond of. At one point of time, warning bells would have been ringing in my head, but this is the new me, and I don't really mind. But maybe that's only because I'm not that hung up on the fact that it's all temporary anyway. What matters is that people such as the ones I know actually exist in a world like this. And knowing that makes everything infinitely better.
Anyhow, I'm off to try and get some sleep. G'nite.
Friday, May 22, 2009
The Insomniac II
Note: Yes, it is fictitious.
When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake
I pass out sometimes and wake up in strange places with no idea how I got there. Sometimes there are people around who tell me what we've been doing. Sometimes I'm alone.
I share my flat with two other girls. We don't see much of each other, but the weeks when they aren't home are the worst. I wake up to find my windows open and the ashtray full. I wake up to find the water refilled, the T.V. on. I wake up in the hall clutching a bottle of orange juice, in my bed dressed in clothes I don't remember changing into. There are always cigarettes around, though I don't remember buying them. The whole world goes crazy until they come back when it all goes back to the once-in-a-while "Where the fuck am I?" morning. I can deal with those.
The only worrying part is the effect this is having on my memory. I don't remember walking to work, don't remember completing reports, don't remember attending official parties. I lose count of days and forget what date it is. I seem to be working on automatic. That isn't to say I don't fuck up every once in a while, but I manage. I suppose I could leave it like this for a little while, but then again, it isn't like I have a choice.
I am about to go to bed now; there's no water on my table and I am going to close the windows. I'm out of cigarettes and there's a dull ache at the center of my head. I think I can see the hours go by...
or maybe it's all just a bad dream.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Warning! Rant!
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Being an insomniac is the most frustrating thing in the world! You're tired and so very desperately need to fall asleep, but no matter what you try, you just can't. You know that the next day will be horrible if you don't get some sleep, but there's nothing you can do. You tire of the internet, tire of reading, of writing. And you get so very tired of thinking. Something's gotta change. It can't go on like this. I can't go on like this!!! I need sleeping pills. Hell, I'd shoot meth if someone promised I would get to sleep!
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