Thursday, January 22, 2009

Forgive me

She stood, waiting, at the door; bags packed, dark hair tucked neatly under a straw hat, black shoes buckled, cab waiting and a small piece of paper held safely in her hand, all ready to leave... Yet, waiting. Her eyes fell on the large grandfather clock in the corner of the room as it struck 7 and with tears suddenly filling up in her bright green eyes, she turned and ran up the familiar flight of stairs, throwing open the bedroom door... only to find that nothing had changed. Despite all the noise she had made while packing her things... He hadn't moved.

She stood in the doorway for a long time, watching him sleep. Footsteps echoing in the empty house, she then moved slowly towards the bed. She stretched one trembling pale hand out, and stopped before her fingers touched his dark hair. Short tousled hair which fell over his closed eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she had spoken to him. Was it a week ago? Longer? She didn't know. She shook her head to clear it, but instead of helping, it just made the lights brighter and the pain worse...

She grimaced and then went back to watching him. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep. Calm, and almost content... He reminded her so much of the boy she once knew. She felt something cold trickle down her face. She raised her hand and then with a distant puzzled look brushed it against her face. Tears? Crying? Why would she be crying?

Standing next to the bed, frozen like a frightened child caught in a terrible nightmare, a sob escaped her and she covered her mouth, backing up till she felt the cold wall behind her. He still didn't move. She held her head in her hands, weeping silently until she slid to the ground, her body wracked with sobs.

Things were not getting better. On most days, he barely recognized her. Sure, she still loved him. She had always loved the way he smiled, and the sheepish grin he wore when he messed up something trivial... Loved how clever he was and loved how every single person adored him... loved his voice and the way he said her name...

In fact, that was how everything began. With him saying her name. That was how she had fallen in love with him... and now five years and a million lifetimes later, she wasn't even sure f he remembered what it was... She didn't know if he even knew who she was... and she didn't know who he was anymore...

This ...'impostor' in his skin. Yes.. Impostor. That was a fitting word. He still smiled at her, and his voice was still the same. He was as clever as always and every one still loved him... But... that look was not for her anymore. Now, it belonged to the vague nothingness... And though she could sit and listen to him talk for hours, he hardly said anything anymore. At least nothing that made any coherent sense... and she couldn't remember the last time he had taken her name...

Her hand flew up to the bruise on her forehead, and she winced. He had apologized... and it was not like he had really hit her. He would never do that! It was merely an accident, was it not? He was just trying to get her out of the way, was he not? Besides, when he knelt down beside her, with genuine distress in his deep brown eyes, wasn't that the same old person that she knew and loved? The person he had been before... before his eyes clouded over and everything changed...

Sitting on the cold floor, with her head in her hands, she knew that she had to leave. She could not stay here anymore.
Not with him.
Not like this.
But... she did not want to leave him... Did she?
Could she?
He needed her... didn't he?

A ghost of a laugh followed by a silenced cough. He needed her? Who was she kidding? He wouldn't even notice her absence! It would be days before he figured out she was really gone! And much longer till it sunk in that she would not be coming back...
He didn't need her.
Not one bit.
If anything, she only managed to get in his way...
She was nothing but a liability.
An empty hollow pitiful liability.
One that he had already half forgotten... and the only thing keeping her memory alive was her own presence...

She stood up, swaying unsteadily, her now dull green eyes fixed on a spot in the tattered carpet. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She looked at the tiny piece of paper crushed in her palm. There was just one last thing to do. Slowly, she made her way to the bed and looked down at his sleeping form. Blinking back tears, she put the piece of paper next to his closed fist. Holding it in her own hands, she kissed his forehead and stood up straight again... He stirred, but did not wake up. With a smile wrenched out of hell itself and the repetition of a realization from long ago, she knew she would always love him... Edging away from the bed, she turned to run down the stairs...

This time, she did not stop at the door. The clock struck 8 and the cab pulled out of the driveway.
The girl turned to look back at the house one last time.

"Goodbye"

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