Update

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In one lifetime, there are lots of things people do that they wish they never had. But as long as you can find a box to throw all your old memories in, they won't interfere with today. As long as you remember to lock the doors.

Things change constantly, and no matter how miserable the world looks, sometimes you have to wait out the storm. Marvel at the rain while it falls. It's a memory you won't visit too often. And these kind of things can not be forgotten.

I'm done here. I've been done for a while. But borrowed time is still time. And the places you go to, after the show's over, won't let me in.

I think I've gone away again. But this vacation isn't like the others. I don't know if I'm coming back. And it's really alright. Because borrowed time is still time. And I hate being in debt.

September's nearly over. October isn't really my favorite month either. But every silver lining's got a touch of gray. I like gray. And I think I rather like this cloud.


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Now playing: Plain White T's - Hey there Delailah
via FoxyTunes

Untitled

I love September's skies.

"Things happen for a reason."

I don't want to know.

You know what I like best about music? It's such selfless company. It never wants anything from you. And I love the way some songs stick to the insides of your thoughts, constantly dripping melodies that tickle the back of your mind. Like ice-cold rain drops trickling down your spine. You know they're there, but only because you feel it. And maybe, it is just in your head?

I told her I'd be there at Sunset.

Too late, darling. Dawn is breaking everywhere.

Light?

You know... it smells like rain...

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Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

The Law of Equivalent Exchange?

You're not supposed to forget the lessons that you learned the hard way. And easy days don't have easy ways. Everything does have its own price. It's all about what you can afford. And what you have to lose. Choice.

Everything runs on something. Everything has a weakness. Information is knowledge, and knowledge is power. Power may corrupt, but that isn't really a concern on precipices of defeat. It's been such a long way down. I think I can see the sea, but I really can't be sure which way is up anymore.

It's been a while, and things have been relatively smooth for too long. The calm before the storm bothers me with all its waiting. And when things you own and loved are on fire, you end up looking forward to the rain.

It's all about circumstance. Some times, the choices you make are already made for you.

Constant disappointment is the key, kids.
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Now playing: Kajiura Yuki - Fake wings
via FoxyTunes

Chaos

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There's a moth in my room, and it's beautiful. It has blue wings that have gold edges. I wish I had a camera. I wish it would fly out the window. I think I make too many wishes. It's only because the stars keep falling.

I have no idea where I will be in twenty four hours. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a very big fan of change. I always thought I was, but quite clearly, I was horribly mistaken. I don't even have the energy to curse this glare anymore. The windows are always open, Peter.. (but that's only because I keep forgetting to close them.)

There's just so much to do. I don't know where I'm going to find the time. I wish they would have just let me stay. I hope things work out in the next six hours. I can't leave now... The rain is here...

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Now playing: Khadki Junction Blues
via FoxyTunes

Awake

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I think I have nothing to do today. I think I shall spend the whole day in bed. I hope it rains. And I hope it gets really cold.

I can't find the band-aids anywhere.

Some first year parents knocked on my door at 8 am. Idiots. I've made myself a "GO AWAY" sign in blue, orange and green and taped it on my door, but I still can't fall asleep... And it's 9 am on a holiday.

sigh.

Tell me what you want, and I'll give you what you need.

I have to pick a history topic, pay my repeat fees, eat some real food and make my head stop hurting. And I thought I had nothing to do...
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Now playing: Gary Jules - Mad World
via FoxyTunes

Dying in the sun

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Rain?

We've been thrown into the sunny afternoon

...and we need to find some shade

'cause I'm dying in the sun

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Wasps

I wish it would rain all night. I wish it would never stop raining. Until all of the world is under water. The storm is coming, but we'll be safe on the Crystal Ship. Though all sheep must drown. I won't go this way is all I can say as I get carried away. Sometimes you can only hope that you run into bushes and sand instead of rocks and walls. Because they hurt lesser. I guess.

P.S> Do we have to take the wasps?

Rambling

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Maybe people don't always change. It's too dangerous a thought to have. I guess circumstances change and people just react differently. It's a consolation, though I do not know if I'm making myself feel better or appeasing fate by saying that. Either way...

The end term exams start in three days. I just spent the last 5 hours at Amma's. The rain came, it went away. Folks took their dogs out for walks and returned. People signed contracts and got hired. Sometimes, I like watching the world go by. Things keep changing, and if you wait long enough, good things happen too. The only problem is that you never know how long you should stay.

Past or Future?
I wouldn't know. Even if it were a year into the future, how could you be sure you still exist? How could you know for sure that the Earth still exists? You could time travel a year into the future and end up walking out into blank empty space.

*Pop*

That's what your death would be like. An empty sound in vast black nothingness. Cold, alone and meaningless.

On the other hand, the past is huge. There would always be somewhere to go. And you could change things. I've always been against messing with time because I know it could really fuck things up. But you know what? Sometimes things are really fucked up anyway, and it wouldn't hurt much to try and change things, because you never know...

You never know... and thus, maybe the future won't be so bad either. I wouldn't mind a sneak-peek at a chapter somewhere in the middle. I don't want to know the end. But anything else would do. Maybe I'll even figure out what not to do.

What *to* do, on the other hand, is a much more difficult question to answer.
That's the problem with thinking. If every choice has an equally vague outcome, just do nothing.
It's all I do these days, Nothing.
And I'm not sure if I've just stopped doing everything, or if it all now means the same to me.
Either way, gray saves the day.
Again.

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Untitled

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I know how it works, but I don't know why.

"Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all."

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
In an ideal world, in an ideal world.. That's all anyone has to say.
What you don't get is that ideal is subjective too.

The more I understand, the less I know.
"Not knowing everything is all that makes it okay, sometimes."
Sometimes.

We itch and we burn and no one cares.
Maybe that's all there is to it.

That and the sky caught in the trees.

We're lost in this forest.

And it won't stop burning.

How long will we wait for the rain?
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Lies

Don't ask me questions
when you don't want to know the truth
Because I'll lie as long as I can
but I'm doing it just for you
And I know you think you're helping
but I don't really understand
and the only reason I say the things I do
is because they're all that you can stand

I can't always tell what you're thinking
And I can't always read your mind
You say what you must, and then forget
While I can't leave any of it behind
So I stand back and watch it all go by
While you don't even see the rain
And yet when you ask me if the sun is out
I know that I can only lie again...

Missed?

Flicker
Flicker

Watch out for the blue screen.

Visions are all good, but they can't ever be real no?
And the ferry man has to be paid, or you're stuck between worlds my darling.
Stuck between worlds.

If you are leaving for ever and ever
remember to take your coat
Because it's been raining
and raining
and raining

So, run along
and don' worry
You won't be missed
Won't be missed at all
at all
at all...

Adieu

What's the point?

Of arguing, waiting, yelling, sighing, crying, fighting, trying, explaining, bleeding, dying, pretending...?

Whatever happens, happens.

Deceive or be deceived.
Shoot or be shot.
Lie or be lied to.
...
Leave or be left behind...

Give me a cigarette, a light and I'd be quite content walking in the rain.

Adieu.

An Experiment in November Rain

0342
Let's record one. I love these experiment-like things!! Am listening to 'The Perfect Drug'. hehe. Appropriate?

0358
That would be almost 20 minutes, yeah? Good enough. Track now playing is 'Road Tripping'... Brings back memories... Kay, enough reminiscing!!! Let's make a scene. *laughs*

0426
Wow, that took longer than it should have!

So, the holidays are here. Again. It seems like this trimester just began, but then when I think back, it's been so long! Not in sense of time, but of memories. Well, that sounds gay(not that there's anything wrong with that). What I mean is, it's been a long trimester in term of events. The repeats, Admit One, Strawberry Fields, Rubix, Christmas, New Year's eve, Attendance shortage, etc. You get what I mean!

November Rain. Why would you want it to stop?
I just wish November Rain would keep falling...

The Wait

I wait in the darkness
And I wait in the rain
I left once before
But never again
I wait as the sun sets
and I'll be here as it will rise
I wait with the roots
and look up to the skies
I wait in the darkness
I wait in the rain
I wait for your return
and I wait for the pain

She Laughed

It was too pretty a day to be sad
So she tied a red ribbon in her hair

and she laughed

Even though the walls kept shrinking
and the roof kept crumbling

She laughed

Even as the cold rain fell
and as the darkness grew

She laughed

Even as the world began to fade
and the snow began to fall

And then
When the last one was gone
She turned
put the chairs on the tables
Locked the doors
and sat down to cry

But she could not remember how to...

"Leave Me Alone"

Leave me alone...

Were those not your last words to me dear Sayuri?

They must have been.

I still remember that night you know...

It was really cold, and I could tell you had been crying.

I could have asked.

I should have said something.

Asked how you were doing, whether you needed anything, if everything was okay, anything!

Instead, I tilted my new hat at you and nodded.

And you smiled back.

Just a tiny little smile, but it made me really happy, you know?

That you cared enough to try and smile even though you were sad...

But I know you would have done the same for anyone who smiled at you...

Still, as you walked away in that light rain

with the dark shadows growing behind you as you walked further into the night in your black dress...

I thought that there was still some chance we could fix the mess we had made.

Thought things were finally getting better...

I didn't say a word.

And the next morning they told me you were dead.

Wait a minute Sayuri darling.

Let me pour myself a drink. Its been too long.

And where did I keep that damned matchbox?!

Sorry, where was I?

I remember the day we spent at the beach

It seems like such a long long time ago

Akane was there too, along with him.

That was nice.

We laughed a lot, All of us.

Sang silly songs all the way there and back.

And you spoke to me as if everything was fine.

As if nothing had been broken.

Like you could not see the past anymore.

And I don't know if that hurt or helped.

But I do know that I liked the way your dark hair flew about your pale face

and I liked the black dress you wore...

like the one you were wearing the last time I saw you...

Another drink Sayuri.

Just hold on.

No, I'm not drinking too much.

Just another shot...

You know what?

I wish I knew you before...

Before all the pills, and the drinking...

I know you'd be mad at me for saying this

I know you would say it would have been the same...

But would it have?

Maybe then you would have said you loved me

Maybe then I would have said the same...

Maybe I would have stopped by that night.

We wouldn't have had that stupid argument...

Do you remember that night?

I do.

I wish I didn't.

But now, I realize that it was the last time I ever heard your voice...

And so, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.

I won't be able to forget the screaming

the thunder

the shattering of the vase (the crystal one Inari gave you for your b'day)

the yelling

the tears that filled up in your eyes - the ones you rubbed away before they ever had a chance to fall...

I'll never forget the way you looked at me that night

The anger

the disbelief

and the pain...

Just leave me alone...

Want to know a secret?

It wasn't the screaming that made me leave...

It was that look.

Your words.

I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you...

and I realized I had.

Over and over,

So, I packed up my bags and left.

Didn't even kiss you goodbye.

Left you alone, with your "substances"

Left a shaky you trying to pour a drink into a glass.

Didn't even offer to help.

Didn't call.

Didn't bat an eyelid when that other guy moved in.

Didn't say a word to you when I ever ran into you anywhere.

Didn't say anything when I saw the first bruise.

Didn't listen to the rumors...

I didn't know.

I didn't know he hurt you.

I didn't want to know.

So... I didn't.

I don't know why I smiled at you last night Sayuri.

Maybe I thought it was finally time.

Maybe it was the fact that it was raining, and I always love you more when it rains.

But I didn't say a word...

Would things be different if I had spoken to you?

Would it have changed anything?

Would they still find your body in that bathtub?

I wonder what was the last thing you thought of...

Were you scared?

Did you close your eyes when you drew that line?

Did it hurt?

Leave me alone...

Those were your last words to me...

and I wish I had never listened...

Untitled

She looked up at the streetlight.

It seemed to shine into her soul.

Giggling softly, she tried pushing the beam away, but it didn't move.

She glared at it for a while and then slowly stepped out of its range.

Twirling, she laughed, and a lone star twinkled in the distant night sky.

She took a few steps forward, still smiling, and then froze, trying to remember why she was here.

She stood still for a long time.

At the center of the crossing.

The traffic lights fascinated her, especially when they changed colors.

Colors.

She liked colors.

Didn't she?...

She blinked, and then started walking again.

It wasn't exactly a straight line, but it wasn't a drunken walk either.

She remembered she was supposed to look out for policemen, but she didn't remember why.

Was she supposed to go to them?

Hide from them?

Ask them something?

Run as fast as she could?

Confused, she lit a cigarette.

"Smoking. Always smoking." she scolded herself like she was supposed to.

No.

Wait.

Wasn't that someone else?

Another drag, and a silly smile lit her face.

And she twirled again, dark hair clashing with falling rain.

Her laughter echoed softly in empty alleys

and she went around in little circles till she couldn't breathe anymore.

Tired knees hit the wet grass as she collapsed...

and a sob escaped her throat.

"Why do you cry, fair child?" he asked

As he knelt beside the girl

"I only want my memory

Its lost somewhere in this world"

They searched far and wide, but the memory was truly lost.

And then one day, it was already time for frost

So she shooed him and his sparrows to summer

and he cursed at the maiden as she bid him farewell...

But she hates him not

neither does she love

She only needs her memories to build

her stairway to the heavens above...

Till she finds those run-away memories, she needs to make new ones

So...

She laughs at the streetlights

coz they remind her of the sun

and how it will eventually destroy her.

And that could be called a memory, couldn't it?