Maybe

Are things really getting better or are we just getting better at accepting them?

Either way, don't think about it now, you'll only make it worse.

Things change.

Echoes fade and memories die. Autumn frosts have slain July.

Goodbye July...

Watching smoke makes me feel sane again.

Ash is definite evidence, but what good does it ever do?

What shall we use to complete the wall?

Memories.

Bury memories with memories.

Bad with good.

And good with bad.

You know what's the only thing worse than the calm before a storm?
The calm after it.

I like where I am and I hate the fact that time won't stop carrying me away.

We contradict ourselves and we burn and we die.

We're all unforgiven.

And maybe that's all there is to it.

Maybe.

----------------
Now playing: Shiro Sagisu - never meant to belong
via FoxyTunes

Goodbye

.
It feels like the end of the world. There is screaming and madness, gray skies and people fleeing in thrilled states of panic. Different cars crowd the usually empty roads, people talking in quiet voices, looking at every known stranger with mistrust in their eyes. It's all chaos and confusion. And the fear sets in: What we believed to be the chimes of freedom, may just be the prison bells. The King is dead, long live the king.

It bothers me. If the world is ending, there is a lot I have to do, but I fear there is no time...

If the world is ending, all I want to say is goodbye. To all my friends I haven't seen in too long, to all the people I have hurt, to all the good times and all the bad, to the memories we've created and the memories we've lost, to conversations both hilarious and melancholic, to dreams and futures and islands and songs, to things that should have been said and things that should never have been thought of... I regret little. And I cherish all.

Maybe, the world will still be here tomorrow. Maybe, I'm just seeing storm clouds raging though the sky is really blue. Rose tinted glasses are just one shade. And every shade is a shade of gray. But, if it is the end of the world, I want to have been able to say goodbye.

Adieu.



----------------
Now playing: Godsmack - Moon Baby
via FoxyTunes

Sailing Sinking Ships

.

We live in constant fear, tired and paranoid eyes scanning the gray seas for any signs of their ships. They wish to hunt us down like the supposed criminals we are. Criminals? We are, but mere, dreamers. We do not believe in their petty Gods of selfish goals and pretty furniture. And for that, we are watched and hunted and live under the constant threat of exile.

Exile! But if there were only a place to run away to! Oh well, the world is round and we've been sailing for years. If we knew where this world ended, there would be no need to wander the seas for, what could only be, eternity.

There are many among us who believe that the right boat will come along to pick us up, even though it means doing little more than waiting forever. These men live in the inner cabins of the ship, which they've decorated to look like ordinary homes, barely aware of the journey itself. Many fall asleep holding on to memories that stopped being valuable a hundred thousand years ago.

There are a few who leave us, on small boats, convinced that there is no point in this journey. Often, they return once they realize that the night is a thousand times darker when you are alone. Sometimes, we never see them again.

There are those who believe that the shore will appear on the horizon if we just keep sailing. But we've been sailing for an eternity. The World is round. But I do not have the heart to remind them.

There are some who sit on the wooden deck under moonlit skies and talk in hushed voices. I join them, sometimes, if only to see the stars reflecting in their otherwise tired eyes; faces suddenly years younger than they appear to be under the glaring light of the sun. Their company makes this voyage bearable. Their thoughts make my soul want to cry out at the unfairness of our flight. Their dreams make me smile. Their hope spreads like flames from a candle kept too close to too many sheets of paper.

And then there are those who have thrown themselves into the raging seas, convinced in the madness of stormy nights and thunderous skies, that the only land there is to find lies many many miles under the water's surface. I have seen many rescued from such a plight. And I have seen many faces gasping for air before the waters claimed them forever. I have said many goodbyes.

I choke and drown on memories that have long left the insides of my mind. I think I made a mistake when I turned it inside-out. Now the whole world is in my head. And there's no place left for me in there, anymore.

I have no country to return to. And the land we set out sailing towards seems to be nowhere in sight. This ship and it's crew is the only world that exists tonight. But even the hushed voices of the people with stars in their eyes can't drown out the screams of the drowning. Perhaps the only land that exists is really a thousand miles under water.

They never told us that you couldn't sail the moonlight to the moon...

I think our ship is sinking.

.

Leaving

A last post from college.

It isn't even an entire month. I have got to remember that. Everything will still be fine when I come back. Nothing really ends. I'm waiting for the cab to get here and everything feels so surreal. In a matter of a few hours, will I really be home? I don't want to go back. I'm nobody's here. I belong to myself and myself alone. At home, I'm just ...there.

I wish I could explain better, but I'm pretty inarticulate right now and I could really use one last cigarette. *sigh* These holidays are going to be too long...

End Of The World

It was the end of the world as we knew it.
And I didn't even know.
Now it's too late for goodbyes.
And we're left with the rest of eternity for silent regrets.

Was Neverland really only a dream?
I think we made it up inside my head.

How shall you complete the wall?
Use memories, Mr. Pink. Use memories.

Goodbye

.
Things are getting too weird. I don't know what's wrong. There are just too many things going on. I'm overwhelmed. And I don't want to deal with any of this right now. So, I'm sorry, but I'm going to go away. At least for a while.

Goodbye.

Untitled (Ophelia)

Dream that faded dream again
Watch the lilies wind away
And you turn to out-run the rain
If you'd only beg me to stay.
Giddy with mirth, she appears
Follow this path you shan't tread on
Watch me go, I carry your fears
and soon, it will have been too long
Seven steps ahead, and then a mile
Perhaps a plea shall slow us down?
Or perhaps we shall only smile
While I seem to forget not to drown
Lies? A mad girl does not lie
She skibbles down paths that just aren't there
Reach out for the pure blue sky
and I'm sorry we seem to forget to care
Call my name just once again
Let the river bring you to me
Oh, but you're running from the rain
and I never said that I would not leave
Is there really nothing left to say?
Will you not let me live your lie?
Will you never ask me to stay?
Then it's goodbye my love, Goodbye.

Untitled

(Originally typed out on 06th June 2008)

She poured out another shot and downed it. After an entire week of agonizing, she had made up her mind. She was going to go talk to him tonight, no matter what. And as she slipped out of the dim bar determinedly, she even had the entire conversation planned out in her head. What she would say in response to every thing he could say. She had even decided where they would talk and how she would bring about the topic. She was sick of the thoughts rattling in her head. And tired of trying to guess what he was thinking.

He stood outside on the balcony, a half forgotten cigarette dangling loosely from his lips. It was a nice night. He looked back into the house and saw the file lying on the table. An odd expression flitted across his face, and then he smiled, taking a deep drag and exhaling slowly into the cold night air. It was going to be a long night.

So, after a few more shots of vodka - for the warmth - she made her way across the busy streets towards his house. It was a pretty night. The city lights drowned out most of the stars, but the ones that she could still see were beautiful enough. She was wearing her black dress. The one she was wearing the first time they had met. She wondered if he would notice, or remember... She didn't think so... She didn't know if she wanted him to... It would be less painful if he had forgotten. She didn't know why but she wanted to see him while she was in it, considering it was the last time she was going to see him, at least for a while.

He made his way into the house and sat down in the dimly lit room. He glanced up at the file and muttered to himself. A short laugh followed by a frown. He looked away from the table and his gaze fell upon the small box lying under a chair. Standing up, he made his way towards it, a strange look upon his face. Kneeling by the chair, he pulled out the box with slightly trembling hands. It fit in his palm, and he stared at it for a long while.

It wasn't like she wanted him back, she reminded herself. It was just that this needed to be over, and the only way she could do that was talk to him, get it out of her system. She wasn't going to cry. No matter what, she was not going to cry. A wave of dizziness washed over her and she made her way to the sidewalk where she sat down at the edge of the road, resting her head against a cool metal pole. She knew she shouldn't be drinking. Not tonight. She pulled out a cigarette and a matchbox. Unable to light it because of the way her hands were shaking, she rummaged around in her bag until she found the lighter. Click. Light. Drag. Something fluttered to the ground, and as she picked up the faded photograph, a tear finally found its way down her pale face.

It seemed like he hadn't moved for hours. He knew he shouldn't open the box. God knows he wanted to, but he couldn't. Not now. It would surely destroy him. Turning it around he traced the crack along the side of it with his thumb. He closed his eyes as if something had just stabbed him in the heart. Why tonight? Why did he have to find it tonight?? Pictures ran through his mind and his eyes shot open. No. He couldn't close his eyes right now. It made him remember. He didn't want to. Not now.

She looked up at the house. The address seemed right, though it looked as if no one was home. She walked up to the door... and suddenly, it all seemed too pointless. What was the use? She was kidding herself if she thought one conversation would actually help her. But this wasn't about her. She owed him an apology... No... She owed him an explanation. She stared at the door bell for a while, and shook her head. A rain drop fell from the skies and she turned to leave...

He stared at the box for what seemed like eternity. The cool wind told him it was about to rain. Rain. He hated the rain. He hated it because it reminded him of strawberries and long sad conversations... and because it reminded him of the last time he had seen her. Had she been crying? It was impossible to tell because of that rain... Standing up suddenly, he made his way unsteadily to the phone. Holding the receiver up to his ear, he dialed the all-to-familiar number. It had been so long, yet every digit was engraved in his memory.

She walked away quickly from the house, suddenly afraid of running into him. Her flight out of the country was in a few hours. A few more hours and she would never see him again.
No. That moment passed by the last time it rained. As the water started falling faster from the skies, she looked up and smiled, glad it was raining. But, it didn't really matter anymore... This time there was no one around to hide the tears from. And there were no tears to hide. Making her way onto the porch of an empty house, she leaned against the pillar and slid to the ground. There was no point. None.

An image of her in her long black dress made its way into his mind and he hung up before it connected. What could he say? There was nothing he could offer as way of explanation. The truth would only hurt more than the silence did. She couldn't know. He couldn't let her find out. The file on the table seemed to mock him. Leaning against the wall, he raised his eyes to the ceiling. There was no point. It was over.

And so the door was never opened, and the phone never answered. Simply because she never knocked... and he never called. And the faded photograph continued to fade away in a corner of the bag while the broken box stayed broken. The rain continued to fall on two people halfway across the world from one another... and even though it shouldn't have mattered because there was no point... it continued to matter.

A Million Different Thoughts

There were a million different thoughts in my head today. Things I was supposed to come back and think about. Instead I chose to indulge in conversation that's been put off too long. And not just once, but twice! Anyway, advice doesn't help when it contradicts itself. And now I've forgotten what it was that I wanted to talk about.

It must have had something to do with the perfect place that was in my head all day, and which I finally found. (Thank you Agent Zero!!!) It could have something to do with the mid-night jam session that I was surrounded by for a few precious minutes... but I don't really remember what it was anymore... and it's so perfectly and unfairly fine.

I give it one more day. I always give it one more day. That might be part of the problem. I shouldn't sleep. It's already past four. And if I try and sleep now, there is no way I shall get to class tomorrow. Which I have to get to. I must.

But if I stay up all night, I'll just fall asleep in class and be thrown out. Ah, the logic the mind uses when it's been deprived of sleep for long enough! The only alternative is missing class. Again. Which I can not do. Not again.

I guess we're not the only ones who the universe plays with. I guess. I would say "I hope", but that would make me sound crueler than I really feel at the moment, which is never fun. Well, almost never.

And I know, that a year from now, none of this will matter. None of it. And that should be the worst part, but it's always the best. The unavoidable sense of the transient nature of it all. Nothing else matters, nothing but now, because now is greater than the past, and I know that. Damn it. There were too many commas in the previous sentence, but I really don't care anymore, so if this post annoys you, deal with it.

I shouldn't have. I should have. Only delaying the inevitable. You're always delaying the inevitable, but if you're really trying to stop that, you may as well try to fly. But you don't. Perhaps because sometimes, delaying the inevitable is only human? Perhaps. I wouldn't know. And I don't care.

I would lie. I do. But I would do it so much more often if you promised me I would get away with it. But then again, I would probably not believe you. So why try? "Lie or be lied to". "Deceive or be deceived". And it doesn't make you noble if you go ahead and try to prove the whole world wrong. It makes you stupid. Are you listening Mave dear? Never noble. Only stupid. We were so young. Everyone was, but does that mean it's not an excuse anymore?

I know I'm rambling. I may also be ranting. But it's past four in the morning. And I'm tired. And most importantly, typing has become so much easier than writing. I think that's fucked up. I really do. But, whatever works. And whatever works worked so long that I don't want to mess with it.

Even though that implies that I shouldn't have meddled with a lot of things that were moving along just fine. I guess that means we were right. We would mess up everything we had. Which is cool, because it was all about delaying the inevitable. There was a point made about this, wasn't there?

I could go on forever. I probably would, if it wasn't for the decision that has to be made now. Get a couple of hours of sleep or stay awake till it's time to leave. And that is so silly-ly profound, it's not even funny.

It's not fair that words and songs and quotes and memories get associated with people who you once knew. And it's pretty retarded to say that memories shouldn't do that, but it still isn't fair, because it makes you feel guilty about forgetting. Like getting flowers. Unless they're dead, but that's pretty retarded too.

I should sleep. I think I shall go now.

To Seth

Dear Seth,

It's been almost a year darling... I know I gave you the address of this blog. Those emails we used to exchange all stopped all so long ago. And the ids are probably long gone. I don't think you even log in anymore... Not like I can complain... Neither do I...

Except, today, I've realized that if you are ever trying to get in touch with me, this is the only way you can, hence, I shall write you this letter, no matter how completely "emo" it may sound.

But before I begin reminiscing, I want you to know... Remember all those pictures of you and Tira (was that even her name?) you sent me? I came across a couple of them online when I was randomly wasting life on the internet. Those weren't really pictures of you were they? Then, I can only assume Jordan was a lie as well... But I don't understand...

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you got thrown out. Nor when she 'left'... but Mave was... and sometimes I think she believes you will still come back...

Sometimes I think that you will come back too...

I read the last email you sent her. I wish I could say that I wish I hadn't... but I guess it helped. Because honestly (and there's nothing easier than being honest with someone you think is dead), by the end of it all, I really could not think of a reason to ask you to hold on... I know that sounds cruel, but it's true. I didn't have a right to do that... and the little bit of what I did, I forsake when I came to this place...

I'm so sorry Seth darling, because by the end of it, I think I stopped believing. Perhaps because it was easier to think that all you said was a lie... Or maybe because I just couldn't handle what you told me... I guess it all comes down to the same thing...

You may wonder (if you're still somewhere out there...) why I decided to write to you today. Well, I spoke to a really good friend of mine who reminded me of the position I was in at one point of time... except I guess he has it worse. He's met her... I don't even know what you look like. Not anymore.

You know... Half of me always wanted every thing you said to be true. But I shall not deny (not anymore anyway), that half of me frantically hoped that you were just one big lie. Because it would mean one less kid out there in the sort of trouble you were in.

You were the first person I ever met who loved me unconditionally. You were there even before Mave was. And though you knew nothing about me, you listened. You made me one of the reasons everything was worth it. And you gave me a reason to believe in people. Because if someone could go through what you did and still be such a sweetheart, then this world wasn't all that messed up...

or maybe that's exactly why it was...

Anyway, all I really want to say is that if you're still somewhere out there... come back? Tell me you're okay. I don't care if every word you ever said was a complete lie. It's okay. It doesn't matter anymore. Those 9 hour conversations are not what I really miss. I miss you. And what you meant.

I love you and I always will.

Love
Jade

Lies

Don't ask me questions
when you don't want to know the truth
Because I'll lie as long as I can
but I'm doing it just for you
And I know you think you're helping
but I don't really understand
and the only reason I say the things I do
is because they're all that you can stand

I can't always tell what you're thinking
And I can't always read your mind
You say what you must, and then forget
While I can't leave any of it behind
So I stand back and watch it all go by
While you don't even see the rain
And yet when you ask me if the sun is out
I know that I can only lie again...

Goodbye

Like the sun
a little too close
I turn and run
Trying to escape the light
but I'm never fast enough
and I always stay
Stuck
An endless wait
is only endless
because what you are waiting for
slowly disappears
without a goodbye
But, what do you do
when it quietly walks up to you
kisses you
and smiles straight through you
Do you smile back?
or do you run?
Or do you start to walk?
One step at a time
...No matter what direction you walk in
No matter what you get closer to
You're only getting further away
As I stand here to wave goodbye

I know my dear

"The moon"
she whispers
half a choking cry
"I know my dear"
he begins to say
but instead stops to watch her die
"I don't want to be saved"
she breathes
watching the wind in the leaves
"I know my dear"
he begins to say
but instead prepares to grieve

Blinded

"Blinded (When I See You)"

- Third Eye Blind

Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to but
I never know when I'm done

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor around your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
But when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you

I never believed that things, they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned but
You're passed do you understand

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she's a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean, let me be clever
Hey, oh well whatever
But that's not what I mean
When where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight you know I'll never win

So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun

Time, it passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me, I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you

Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one

[Chorus]
So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you
I'm blinded

An old friend?
Lets refrain from throwing words around, shall we?
When has "Not supposed to" ever stopped you before???
You come and go as you please, don't you?
Who am I to tell you this isn't the right time?
Who am I to ask you to stay?

The days fade whether you're here or not.
And I'm used to the silence now, so please, make yourself comfortable.
Don't worry about the damage.
I owe you as much as you owe me.
So lets just stop counting wounds and have another drink.
Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?
And isn't that what we're supposed to be?
Friends?
Would you like some soda with that punch?

Don't thank me.
Stick to the rules.
It's your game.
They're your rules.

Angry?
Anger takes feeling.
And I feel nothing for you.
Not anymore.

I have no energy for this fight.
But I'll still play along.
Let's just keep pretending.
Does that suit you?
I think it fits perfectly.

So, lets...
Lets pretend we're friends.
Lets pretend you actually give a damn.
And lets pretend I'm still waiting...

...
If we become the things we do...
well, you're dead.
And I?
I am a ghost.
And no, they're not the same.

Icarus flew too close to the sun.
He didn't fly away into space without a goodbye.
You don't have to promise.
I'll never ask you to.
Just don't ask me if it's because I don't believe in promises...
or because I don't believe in you...

You always came and went as you wished, didn't you?
Don't let me be the one to change that.

Lucky?
Golden?
Still pretending, are we?
Anything for you.
Isn't that how this game worked?
...

You made your choice.
You were the one who left.
You don't get to turn this around.
And you do not get to blame me.

Tell me what you want.
Say what you're here to say.

Stay as long as you want.
But... this time, when you leave
Please don't come back...

I can't keep waiting for things you're never going to say or do.
And I can't keep staring at the sun...

Forgive me

She stood, waiting, at the door; bags packed, dark hair tucked neatly under a straw hat, black shoes buckled, cab waiting and a small piece of paper held safely in her hand, all ready to leave... Yet, waiting. Her eyes fell on the large grandfather clock in the corner of the room as it struck 7 and with tears suddenly filling up in her bright green eyes, she turned and ran up the familiar flight of stairs, throwing open the bedroom door... only to find that nothing had changed. Despite all the noise she had made while packing her things... He hadn't moved.

She stood in the doorway for a long time, watching him sleep. Footsteps echoing in the empty house, she then moved slowly towards the bed. She stretched one trembling pale hand out, and stopped before her fingers touched his dark hair. Short tousled hair which fell over his closed eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she had spoken to him. Was it a week ago? Longer? She didn't know. She shook her head to clear it, but instead of helping, it just made the lights brighter and the pain worse...

She grimaced and then went back to watching him. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep. Calm, and almost content... He reminded her so much of the boy she once knew. She felt something cold trickle down her face. She raised her hand and then with a distant puzzled look brushed it against her face. Tears? Crying? Why would she be crying?

Standing next to the bed, frozen like a frightened child caught in a terrible nightmare, a sob escaped her and she covered her mouth, backing up till she felt the cold wall behind her. He still didn't move. She held her head in her hands, weeping silently until she slid to the ground, her body wracked with sobs.

Things were not getting better. On most days, he barely recognized her. Sure, she still loved him. She had always loved the way he smiled, and the sheepish grin he wore when he messed up something trivial... Loved how clever he was and loved how every single person adored him... loved his voice and the way he said her name...

In fact, that was how everything began. With him saying her name. That was how she had fallen in love with him... and now five years and a million lifetimes later, she wasn't even sure f he remembered what it was... She didn't know if he even knew who she was... and she didn't know who he was anymore...

This ...'impostor' in his skin. Yes.. Impostor. That was a fitting word. He still smiled at her, and his voice was still the same. He was as clever as always and every one still loved him... But... that look was not for her anymore. Now, it belonged to the vague nothingness... And though she could sit and listen to him talk for hours, he hardly said anything anymore. At least nothing that made any coherent sense... and she couldn't remember the last time he had taken her name...

Her hand flew up to the bruise on her forehead, and she winced. He had apologized... and it was not like he had really hit her. He would never do that! It was merely an accident, was it not? He was just trying to get her out of the way, was he not? Besides, when he knelt down beside her, with genuine distress in his deep brown eyes, wasn't that the same old person that she knew and loved? The person he had been before... before his eyes clouded over and everything changed...

Sitting on the cold floor, with her head in her hands, she knew that she had to leave. She could not stay here anymore.
Not with him.
Not like this.
But... she did not want to leave him... Did she?
Could she?
He needed her... didn't he?

A ghost of a laugh followed by a silenced cough. He needed her? Who was she kidding? He wouldn't even notice her absence! It would be days before he figured out she was really gone! And much longer till it sunk in that she would not be coming back...
He didn't need her.
Not one bit.
If anything, she only managed to get in his way...
She was nothing but a liability.
An empty hollow pitiful liability.
One that he had already half forgotten... and the only thing keeping her memory alive was her own presence...

She stood up, swaying unsteadily, her now dull green eyes fixed on a spot in the tattered carpet. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She looked at the tiny piece of paper crushed in her palm. There was just one last thing to do. Slowly, she made her way to the bed and looked down at his sleeping form. Blinking back tears, she put the piece of paper next to his closed fist. Holding it in her own hands, she kissed his forehead and stood up straight again... He stirred, but did not wake up. With a smile wrenched out of hell itself and the repetition of a realization from long ago, she knew she would always love him... Edging away from the bed, she turned to run down the stairs...

This time, she did not stop at the door. The clock struck 8 and the cab pulled out of the driveway.
The girl turned to look back at the house one last time.

"Goodbye"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Memories?

Believe me, I know...

I know what it's like when you talk about memories in that rare happy voice and have silence on the other end from your partner in crime... and then the question "When was this?"

Trust me, I know... I know how you feel when you hug someone you care about and haven't met in ages and you see their eyes light up; Everything is okay till you light that cigarette and laugh as reminiscing and the only thing they have to say is "Dude, that's funny... but I really don't remember..."

And you smile and say "Yeah dude... It's cool, don't worry bout it." And surprised as you may be at how you feel, the truth is that it breaks your heart. It destroys something inside... and you walk away confused... You wonder whether anything you ever shared with them means anything at all.

But you know what? That light in their eyes shines for you and you alone. They may have forgotten your words, but you still mean as much as you did, if not more. So never think they care less because they forgot your birthday, exam or even New Year's eve... coz it's still going to be the same voice at the end of the line... and the light is still gonna shine... Even if they can't remember what put it there in the first place....

Goodbye

She smiles at the setting sun
He gets on the train
She shivers and hides deeper in the huge blanket
He sits down next to a bunch of old men
She lights another cigarette
He goes out for a smoke
She takes another hit.
and she's out.

Goodbye...