Between the Bars

.
I lean closer to the cold white bars hoping believing needing to think that the glowing lights in the sky are fake unreal false just like the lying comfort offered by a box full of twenty entire cigarettes knowing that we'll only crush destroy burn BREATHE in Breathe out breathe in STOP Run through fields that won't stop being green cold lovely even though they change morph melt merge like the insides of my mind after so long without smoke curling through my veins heart lungs NEEDING the steady chaotic destruction set in motion years months lifetimes ago REMEMBERING so little of promises lies laughter that only rings out loud in waves like nausea THINKING of unhappier times when the world was still the right way up even though it was easier harder the same and right things were decided by how hard it was to do them NOW it's burning cold hot CONFUSING me utterly completely entirely even though it's easier nicer more comfortable despite words running through my head like so much for Undying LOYALTY and becoming someone else for someone else who turns to someone else until I am you and you are me and there is no me because there is no you except things change morph blur like LINES that were crossed obeyed cut into little dots that rearrange themselves into rants that no one UNDERSTANDS including those they bleed from like rain tears vodka FORGETTING remembering wanting needing hating leaving because there are only so many things to choose from when decisions that can't be made are made in the vacuum of facts information MEMORIES that need to be buried with good and bad and good and bad until windows are closed against the cold November air except it's the wrong room state world because movies are NOT real life though they creep crawl laugh their way in while I lean against the cold metal bars looking at glowing lights that mock taunt laugh ECHOING endlessly until I leave quit die.



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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside
via FoxyTunes

Untitled

I love September's skies.

"Things happen for a reason."

I don't want to know.

You know what I like best about music? It's such selfless company. It never wants anything from you. And I love the way some songs stick to the insides of your thoughts, constantly dripping melodies that tickle the back of your mind. Like ice-cold rain drops trickling down your spine. You know they're there, but only because you feel it. And maybe, it is just in your head?

I told her I'd be there at Sunset.

Too late, darling. Dawn is breaking everywhere.

Light?

You know... it smells like rain...

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Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

Since it's getting early

.
We missed out on entire worlds. There aren't even any tickets. It's like wanting to go somewhere with absolutely no way to get there. Not 'like', that's exactly what it is. That's pretty strange, you know? I mean, those kind of things aren't supposed to happen, right? But I guess all sorts of things happen here... wherever that is...

Anyhow, I'm quite exhausted, though I don't really know why. Maybe I just need a change of scene. I'm tired of watching the sun come in the window every morning, and tired of staring at the same four walls. It doesn't mean I love my room any lesser, but I just have to get out for a while. I can't believe I've been here for an entire week. Wow. That's a lot of time. That's 1/3rd of my holiday. But then again, time always passes slower when you're away.

I spent a lot of time on the terrace today. I remember why I like Gray so much. Gray skies are the nicest kind.

I also ruined my headphones. The wire got caught in the door. Don't ask. It was a highly spaz move. It's a pity 'cause these were really great headphones. They shall be deeply missed...

Moving on, I just feel like typing, so I shall ramble on for a while. I don't believe a pack of Milds now costs Rs. 94! That's just horrible! And wrong!!! This doesn't help anyone! We'll all have to switch to cheaper cigarettes and die! As of now, it's Navy Cuts, but you can't smoke them one after the other for too long. Sigh, such trauma.

I have to go to town tomorrow to meet part of 'The 8'. And 'lunch' is in Mangalore Paradise. Sounds like a full day again. It'll be kind of relieving after the annoying day I had today (though it did end well). Someone almost broke my door down in the afternoon. Bastards. I freaked out and decided to clean the room. Unfortunately that involved consumption, after which I ditched the bank plan and passed out instead. I really do want the fool dead...

Oh no, now I've gotten all worked up again. Tch. I'm sharing my room with a mouse and a frog. It's so bothersome cause I chase them out every morning and they're back by evening! I don't even know what to do anymore...

For now, I shall finish this bottle of water and then try falling asleep. Great. Now a stupid moth has joined the party. I can't even begin to be bothered. Sigh. Goodnight folks. And remember, Rock 'n Roll is here to stay!
^_^



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Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

Too long

Nothing is really going on. Wedding stuff shall begin in two days. For two days. I suppose I should divide the week up in my head or something. Two days till the wedding. Two days for it. And around three days after that, I shall be on my way back to Bangalore.

Another year is done with. Unless I fail all three subjects and get three carries, I am now in third year. I know a lot of people in Law School who loathe the place. Everyone seems to be *dying* to get out of there and get as far away as possible. Honestly, I don't get it. Maybe it's the venom that is circulated around campus. Gossip and slime oozes from between the closest of friends and lovers. Sigh.

I don't know if I really like Law School, but I know that I love being there. I guess that counts for something. I guess getting horribly sick of projects, exams and classes isn't really likely when you hardly notice them swirling by. (Except the last last days. Fuck, never again! I mean it) This reminds me: the results of only one paper have been released. I need to know how many repeats I have. I must try and get some fly work done these hols. Because I really don't know what the heck has been happening in that class this trimester. She almost always took the first two hours. And the first two hours are for observing the blades of ceiling fans and watching the light change the colors of trees. So, yes, I don't have a clue when it comes to Family Law 2.

This post is almost tedious. I can't write anymore. I've become terribly inarticulate. Words like "Font" and songs like Comptine d'un autre été have begun eluding me. Fuck, elude almost eluded me right now! Woah. Effect.

Anyhow, it saddens me that Second Year is over. It's supposed to be the funnest part of the five years. It has been lots of fun. I won't deny that. But, seriously, it's a scary thought. Isn't college supposed to be the funnest time of your life? And if the funnest time of the funnest time is done with... well, it's just a sad feeling...

2nd year has been a blast. The third trimester has been one pleasantly cloudy month. 1st year was about settling in, exploring and getting to know people. 2nd year has been about calming down, re-prioritizing, long conversations and chilling... Ah! See? You never count the hangovers and unpleasant mornings when reminiscing! But yes, I have had more than my fair share of issues this year... I don't think I have ever been in so much trouble ever before. The problem with this last year lies in the consistent and chaotic nature of everything. And complicated. There wasn't even so much drama in high school!!!

But yes, I should stop rambling. Second year was insane. Like an early morning jam sandwich. Like, when you're in such a hurry that you just slam the jam on one slice of bread and run out the door? If you've ever been in college, this is usually the only breakfast you manage in a week. In fact, it's reached such proportions, that half the college actually wakes up on Sunday mornings just for breakfast. Sunday breakfast is like an event in Law School. After that, most people go back to sleep. That's how breakfast-deprived we are! Anyhow, getting back to the sandwich... When you are trying to take giant bites of hard, toasted bread (usually burned too) and wondering why you bothered in the first place, suddenly you're attacked by a giant mouthful of sweet, cold jelly-like jam. I hate the Marmalade days...

The point is, I could have spread out the "events" and "incidences" from this one year over a decade! It's been an intense, overwhelming, fast ride. And I can't say I've loved every minute... But yeah, one long empty stretch done at a 100 can make an entire trip awesome. And along with the hairpin bends and the crazy roller-coaster loops, there have been many of the straight roads. It hasn't been all smooth sailing. But it's been fun. And in the end, what else is important?

At some point of time, I would have answered that last question with "Memories". But you know what? Memories can't be trusted. We're in the beginning of the Computer age and a crashed RAM or hard disk still implies no hope of retrieval. Perhaps someday, things will be different, and our technologically superior descendants will laugh at their perfect memories of our times. Or maybe we'll all just die in an early ice age within the next ten years. Or in World War III. But that's all besides the point.

Okay, this has been ...scattered. In this one year, everything has changed. In these two years, I've come back from the dead. Almost literally, my roommate would say.

I'll try and write another "Chapter ends" post when I'm a little more ...focussed. But, since I procrastinate and forget as a life-style, it may not happen. In one line: What were once vices are now habits...(FN1) Or will be soon. Good morning decaying world.

Later.



FN1 : The Doobie Brothers.

Rambling

.

Maybe people don't always change. It's too dangerous a thought to have. I guess circumstances change and people just react differently. It's a consolation, though I do not know if I'm making myself feel better or appeasing fate by saying that. Either way...

The end term exams start in three days. I just spent the last 5 hours at Amma's. The rain came, it went away. Folks took their dogs out for walks and returned. People signed contracts and got hired. Sometimes, I like watching the world go by. Things keep changing, and if you wait long enough, good things happen too. The only problem is that you never know how long you should stay.

Past or Future?
I wouldn't know. Even if it were a year into the future, how could you be sure you still exist? How could you know for sure that the Earth still exists? You could time travel a year into the future and end up walking out into blank empty space.

*Pop*

That's what your death would be like. An empty sound in vast black nothingness. Cold, alone and meaningless.

On the other hand, the past is huge. There would always be somewhere to go. And you could change things. I've always been against messing with time because I know it could really fuck things up. But you know what? Sometimes things are really fucked up anyway, and it wouldn't hurt much to try and change things, because you never know...

You never know... and thus, maybe the future won't be so bad either. I wouldn't mind a sneak-peek at a chapter somewhere in the middle. I don't want to know the end. But anything else would do. Maybe I'll even figure out what not to do.

What *to* do, on the other hand, is a much more difficult question to answer.
That's the problem with thinking. If every choice has an equally vague outcome, just do nothing.
It's all I do these days, Nothing.
And I'm not sure if I've just stopped doing everything, or if it all now means the same to me.
Either way, gray saves the day.
Again.

.

Short (relatively) Rant

If I promise to break all my promises, what can I do? Endless paradoxes, contradictions and co-incidences. That's all life is and all it ought to be. We can all find our way in the dark if we have to, but it's just easier in the light. Not that it matters if you have nowhere in particular to go.

I don't understand it. How can you have one set of friends all your life? How does that work? I would suffocate.

What harm can I do from the outside? Just let me stay and watch, at least until the light turns green.Then I'll drive away and never come back. I'm just building memories. They're all you have when dreams die. Heh. Wasting the present by saving the past for the future. It's like the whole living in the moment philosophy. You live in the moment so you don't look back, don't regret. In a way, you're living in the moment for your future.

I read this somewhere, "The fact that we've never seen a time machine means that either it is never built, or that we live in very boring times..."
Tsk.
So true.
But only on a macro scale.

TANG

I have to make myself some more Tang. But that means trying to use an unsteady, a-bit-too-flexible, small white plastic spoon and that makes the tang powder fall all over the place. Sigh. Still, one must not procrastinate.

I must not order pizza, yes? No... Must not. Pizzas are evil. They shall take over your soul if you just give them a chance!!! Bwahahahaha.
Oh wait.
Why am I laughing?
I'm not a Pizza.
But if I were... I'd still say that.
Hmmm.
Confusing.

Anyway, this post shall twist itself around and end soon. Like wire. I liked that wire. It wasn't barbed, but I suppose that was a good thing.

The "party" was so chilled out. The guys can do this every day? I'm so green with envy I could be a stolen emerald embedded in a scepter/crown. Or a tree.
*pause*

*grins*
Or a plant!
hehe...

Why can't Tang make itself? Someone needs to invent that. Self-making tang. Imagine how useful it would be! Wow... It would make everything so much simpler.
"Self Tang. Real tang is not 'made' by anyone. Real Tang makes itself."

I wonder how they came up with the name anyway. 'Tang'. When I think Tang, I think tangerines. That could be where the word came from. Perhaps.
Strangely, if I concentrate on Tang, the next word that comes into my head (after Tangerines, that is) is "Antelope".
O_o
Antelope?

I'm still sleepy, but I may have to go to town. I wanted to go for a Pecos breakfast, but I just couldn't stay up and wait for 10:30 am. And now, I'm still sleepy, though the hunger is all gone. Okay. Wasn't there supposed to be some tang here?

I shall go now.

A Million Different Thoughts

There were a million different thoughts in my head today. Things I was supposed to come back and think about. Instead I chose to indulge in conversation that's been put off too long. And not just once, but twice! Anyway, advice doesn't help when it contradicts itself. And now I've forgotten what it was that I wanted to talk about.

It must have had something to do with the perfect place that was in my head all day, and which I finally found. (Thank you Agent Zero!!!) It could have something to do with the mid-night jam session that I was surrounded by for a few precious minutes... but I don't really remember what it was anymore... and it's so perfectly and unfairly fine.

I give it one more day. I always give it one more day. That might be part of the problem. I shouldn't sleep. It's already past four. And if I try and sleep now, there is no way I shall get to class tomorrow. Which I have to get to. I must.

But if I stay up all night, I'll just fall asleep in class and be thrown out. Ah, the logic the mind uses when it's been deprived of sleep for long enough! The only alternative is missing class. Again. Which I can not do. Not again.

I guess we're not the only ones who the universe plays with. I guess. I would say "I hope", but that would make me sound crueler than I really feel at the moment, which is never fun. Well, almost never.

And I know, that a year from now, none of this will matter. None of it. And that should be the worst part, but it's always the best. The unavoidable sense of the transient nature of it all. Nothing else matters, nothing but now, because now is greater than the past, and I know that. Damn it. There were too many commas in the previous sentence, but I really don't care anymore, so if this post annoys you, deal with it.

I shouldn't have. I should have. Only delaying the inevitable. You're always delaying the inevitable, but if you're really trying to stop that, you may as well try to fly. But you don't. Perhaps because sometimes, delaying the inevitable is only human? Perhaps. I wouldn't know. And I don't care.

I would lie. I do. But I would do it so much more often if you promised me I would get away with it. But then again, I would probably not believe you. So why try? "Lie or be lied to". "Deceive or be deceived". And it doesn't make you noble if you go ahead and try to prove the whole world wrong. It makes you stupid. Are you listening Mave dear? Never noble. Only stupid. We were so young. Everyone was, but does that mean it's not an excuse anymore?

I know I'm rambling. I may also be ranting. But it's past four in the morning. And I'm tired. And most importantly, typing has become so much easier than writing. I think that's fucked up. I really do. But, whatever works. And whatever works worked so long that I don't want to mess with it.

Even though that implies that I shouldn't have meddled with a lot of things that were moving along just fine. I guess that means we were right. We would mess up everything we had. Which is cool, because it was all about delaying the inevitable. There was a point made about this, wasn't there?

I could go on forever. I probably would, if it wasn't for the decision that has to be made now. Get a couple of hours of sleep or stay awake till it's time to leave. And that is so silly-ly profound, it's not even funny.

It's not fair that words and songs and quotes and memories get associated with people who you once knew. And it's pretty retarded to say that memories shouldn't do that, but it still isn't fair, because it makes you feel guilty about forgetting. Like getting flowers. Unless they're dead, but that's pretty retarded too.

I should sleep. I think I shall go now.

You can't smoke in planes

I've realized that you can't write under two circumstances. One is the obvious nothing-going-on phase. And the other is when things happen so fast and in such quick succession that you barely have time to think through them, let alone about them!

You write in transit. When nothing happens. Because that's the only time you can sit back and rerun memories.

I can't form sentences anymore. They get all jumbled up inside my head, and I end up knowing what I want to say, but from such a hazy distance that it's abstract nonsense when I actually put it down.

As I was telling FBC today, it's like going sky-diving. I'm on the plane, I have the parachute all ready (or at least I hope), and I've taken off. All preparations have been made. Still, it isn't too late to turn back. And though I know, that eventually, I am going to jump, I can still doubt my decision. It's only once I'm in the air that I will forget about worrying. I hate the period of waiting. And you can't even smoke in planes. -_-

Other than the usual, updates involve Miss Sunshine's new relationship. I'm glad for her, and the fairytale-ness of the story appeals to me. I'm supposed to meet the new boy tomorrow. Well, we'll see how that goes.

As for me, accelerate or brake. I'm still confused. I need to decide soon, because one foot is already on the clutch and I need to change gears now. Like I said before, I hate the waiting phase...

Rambling

I got lost today. And not just this-way-or-that-way kinda lost. I'm talking lost as in across two sectors and a couple of main roads lost. Sigh. I really need to work on my sense of direction. Ended up asking this random fruit seller where my sector was. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me I was walking in the wrong direction and had to go all the way back. It was pretty annoying. Especially because I could have comfortably smoked all my cigarettes. Instead, I ended up breaking another self-made rule. And an important one. Never bring a cigarette home. I'm just asking for trouble...

Other then the adventure of the day, life's been pretty tame for the last few days. I can't believe I'll be back in college in a week. Darn repeats. It would have been so sweet otherwise. And I haven't read a word. Stupid consti. grrr. However, considering the fact that I'll have enough time to bitch and moan about this when I get back, I think I shall just stop thinking about it for now. ^_^

There's this new comic I'm reading. It's called "Nothing Better". It's about a couple of dysfunctional room-mates at college. It's a nice read, but the problem is that at most points our lives seem more interesting. Haha. College spoils me. ;)

Also, I've been doing a lot of thinking. (AND a lot of facebooking, but well, that aside for now.) I just need to get the repeats out of the way this trimester. I'm bored. I need to do something, or I shall wither up and die... And I need a distraction... Oh well, thankfully, that's jus not ever a problem when you're in college.

Hmmm, Maybe it's time I made a few new playlists too. I mean seriously, what kind of black cloud was my brain wallowing in when I made this one??? They're all nice songs, but all I seem to do now is go into a blue funk whenever I start iTunes. I mean, Air Supply are great and everything, but still... I think I'll become a Third Eye Blind person for good. I like them. They talk about the saddest things really chirpily. It makes you laugh. If there's anything I like better than cold-sadness, it's comic tragedy!

Wow, this post has turned out to be just me rambling. Oh! We gave the dog a bath today. I should write a complete post on that sometime. It's an entire event by itself! We even have different people in charge of different parts of the ritual. *laughs*

Hmmm. I'm going to go see a movie tomorrow. With Flighty. Will also update him on my latest sins I suppose. I mean, that is all we seem to do. Discuss the recent messes we have gotten ourselves into and then point at each other, laugh and do the "Haha! Your's is worse!" routine. It makes for good confession times.

I saw Sweet November today. And I finally managed to see the end. I see what Miss Sunshine means. You know... when you understand why the character is doing whatever he/she is doing, but you still want to hit him/her on the head with the biggest rock you can find. And I figured out a new angle to my already-too-many-angles-to-be-anything-but-a-fucking-circle story. Does it help? I don't know anymore. And honestly, I'm almost beyond caring. Fuck it dude. I tried. That's all. I may not have tried hard enough or whatever, but I just don't give a rat's ass anymore. (Yes, okay, maybe I'm just mad right now. or maybe I'm not. Whatever.)

That's all for now I guess. I leave in 6 days. That's not all that much longer. And once I'm back... well, let's just say I have all the aspirin I need. ;)

Later!

Untitled

I follow me one by one
Hazy moon, what a tease!
Another shot, another drink
No thank you. Thank you, please.

Chasing silent swirling smoke
We live it, yeah live it our way
Free falling off the highest cliffs
Watch that spot, watch it fade away

And he said, yeah he said
"I loved you once, with all my heart"
and another shot, another shot
You just can't stop once you really start

Laugh away the misery
once it finds, yeah, finds it's way
To lose something oh-so clever
You have to darling, have to go astray

And then you hear the voices whisper
oh, you can hear them all say
"Poor darling. Poor darling"
"She's gone, gone the wrong way"

But the magic in you, it only laughs
And you hold your head up, your head up high
Coz Calvin Keith calls out to you
And you learn to walk on those clouds in the sky

Watch her as she walks out your door
Spinning, like swirling smoke spinning around
She laughs, laughs at all of your hopeless pleas
And you never see, see a single sound

Quieter than a shattering heart
Shattering glass is much quieter my dear
But once it's broken, dance in this darkness
Drink with me, there's nothing left to fear

And they'll call us all sorts of wicked names
but we'll raise our glasses, raise 'em high
We'll laugh at their ignorance
and we'll kiss that same old purple sky

Forget the ghosts, ghosts of memories
that haunt your fragmented confused mind
Watch the pieces fall away bit by broken bit
Let's just leave them, leave them all behind

And you may still cry once in a while
Here's two for the morning, two for the night
Everything will be better, much better darling
With the smoke, see them, see them all vanish out of sight.

Yeah, they'll shake their heads in practiced pity
And we'll clink, yeah clink our glasses high
I'll laugh for us. You, You bring your guitar
And we'll drown out every single strangling sigh!

They'll watch us, watch while we live
And wonder what we're really up to
Another shot, another drink
No thank you. Please, Thank you.


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Now playing: Third Eye Blind - Forget Myself
via FoxyTunes

Just another post

"I have to admit that things are getting better."

Well, maybe it's all just a matter of perspective and so on, but it's how things seem to be that's important, right? More than what they are really like. I mean, what are they really like? I dunno. Doesn't that depend on what's important to you too?

I was writing in my diary today. I've written in it twice this trimester. Weird, considering there was a point of time in my life where I used to write in that book at least once a day... Well, joblessness may have increased, but so have ways to alleviate it.

Anyhow, tomorrow is my Fly exam. And I am really really REALLY bored. Was sitting on the roof and talking to Miss Sunshine. It's funny. Realized that we've lived together for almost two years now, and there is still so much about each other that we don't know. I guess it's a good thing. And yeah, there are eighteen years to catch up on, so I don't think we shall be running out of rooftop conversation material anytime soon.

It's almost time to go home, another trimester has ended. At this rate, I think 3 more years in this place will just fly by. What then? Err... I'd rather not think about that.

Anyway, this trimester has been ... ummm... well, can't think of a better word to describe it than the overused 'random', but that's exactly what it has been! IN terms of events, relationships, revelations and general incidents. And I guess what Miss Sunshine said may be right... The last trimester was pretty messed up coz it wasn't random enough. or maybe (once again), it is just changed perception.

I think I've grown up more in this trimester than I have since I came to Law School. Or maybe it's just been a culmination of the last 18 months. Either way, I'm glad. I have not exactly re-prioritized, but you could say I've learnt to "chill the fuck out".

"Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns..."

Learnt the leson Mr. Acosta. Learnt it quite well.

Anyhow, I shall return to Adoption and Maintenance. This has been a rambly last-few-days-of-the-trimester sort of post. Which kinda is what it is... Errr... I should just stop typing now.
-_-

^_^


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Now playing: Pink Floyd - High Hopes
via FoxyTunes