To Seth

Dear Seth,

It's been almost a year darling... I know I gave you the address of this blog. Those emails we used to exchange all stopped all so long ago. And the ids are probably long gone. I don't think you even log in anymore... Not like I can complain... Neither do I...

Except, today, I've realized that if you are ever trying to get in touch with me, this is the only way you can, hence, I shall write you this letter, no matter how completely "emo" it may sound.

But before I begin reminiscing, I want you to know... Remember all those pictures of you and Tira (was that even her name?) you sent me? I came across a couple of them online when I was randomly wasting life on the internet. Those weren't really pictures of you were they? Then, I can only assume Jordan was a lie as well... But I don't understand...

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you got thrown out. Nor when she 'left'... but Mave was... and sometimes I think she believes you will still come back...

Sometimes I think that you will come back too...

I read the last email you sent her. I wish I could say that I wish I hadn't... but I guess it helped. Because honestly (and there's nothing easier than being honest with someone you think is dead), by the end of it all, I really could not think of a reason to ask you to hold on... I know that sounds cruel, but it's true. I didn't have a right to do that... and the little bit of what I did, I forsake when I came to this place...

I'm so sorry Seth darling, because by the end of it, I think I stopped believing. Perhaps because it was easier to think that all you said was a lie... Or maybe because I just couldn't handle what you told me... I guess it all comes down to the same thing...

You may wonder (if you're still somewhere out there...) why I decided to write to you today. Well, I spoke to a really good friend of mine who reminded me of the position I was in at one point of time... except I guess he has it worse. He's met her... I don't even know what you look like. Not anymore.

You know... Half of me always wanted every thing you said to be true. But I shall not deny (not anymore anyway), that half of me frantically hoped that you were just one big lie. Because it would mean one less kid out there in the sort of trouble you were in.

You were the first person I ever met who loved me unconditionally. You were there even before Mave was. And though you knew nothing about me, you listened. You made me one of the reasons everything was worth it. And you gave me a reason to believe in people. Because if someone could go through what you did and still be such a sweetheart, then this world wasn't all that messed up...

or maybe that's exactly why it was...

Anyway, all I really want to say is that if you're still somewhere out there... come back? Tell me you're okay. I don't care if every word you ever said was a complete lie. It's okay. It doesn't matter anymore. Those 9 hour conversations are not what I really miss. I miss you. And what you meant.

I love you and I always will.

Love
Jade

Darkness

Darkness makes a comforting blanket when you know you're surrounded by light. When you know that all you have to do is peer out and you can see the day, darkness is inviting. It's self imposed. It makes everything a little better by making everything worse in your own head, if you know what I mean.

Darkness is scary when you're in a cold empty room and you can not seem to find the light switch. Darkness is confusing when you are afraid to pull back the curtains because you do not know if it would make you feel better to see the sun shining outside or just pitch black nothingness.

Darkness is relative. Black is dark. Gray could be dark. Darkness is annoying if you're waiting for dawn. Darkness is a blessing if you want to hide. Darkness is a friend when you want to cry. Darkness is an enemy when you don't know if they're lying to you.

It's always there though. Darkness is not an absence of light. Darkness is a shade that refuses to permanently fade. Someday the lights are going to go out... And darkness will be waiting. For us all.

I look out at night
Searching for the stars above
But I can't find them

Have you seen the stars?
Do you know where they have gone?
Can you take me there?

She Laughed

It was too pretty a day to be sad
So she tied a red ribbon in her hair

and she laughed

Even though the walls kept shrinking
and the roof kept crumbling

She laughed

Even as the cold rain fell
and as the darkness grew

She laughed

Even as the world began to fade
and the snow began to fall

And then
When the last one was gone
She turned
put the chairs on the tables
Locked the doors
and sat down to cry

But she could not remember how to...