Stuck

Dawn is breaking, and I'm still here. Someone once told me something about inner peace and how it was necessary to be able to sleep at night. That would explain a lot. There's chaos inside my head right now. And the skies just keep getting prettier.

So much is happening, but I still feel like nothing is.

And I'm stuck in last December.

"Don't think about it now, you'll only make it worse."

I try.


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Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Ebb
via FoxyTunes

Untitled

I love September's skies.

"Things happen for a reason."

I don't want to know.

You know what I like best about music? It's such selfless company. It never wants anything from you. And I love the way some songs stick to the insides of your thoughts, constantly dripping melodies that tickle the back of your mind. Like ice-cold rain drops trickling down your spine. You know they're there, but only because you feel it. And maybe, it is just in your head?

I told her I'd be there at Sunset.

Too late, darling. Dawn is breaking everywhere.

Light?

You know... it smells like rain...

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Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

Better days

...
I wish I could do something instead of making these empty promises of better days. You make me want to protect you from all of the ugliness around us. I wish I could put you away in a little box where nothing and no one would ever hurt you again. You deserve so much more than what this horrible cruel world has to offer, but it isn't me who can give you any of those things.

I refuse to believe that this is all that there is for you.

Hold on little ones, dawn shall surely come...

I promise...

...

A New Day

Dawn is breaking, and once again I'm awake to see the light.

Too bad that the line has no metaphoric connotations whatsoever. That would make life simpler, yes? Instead I'm left watching the same stars fade and fall away and the same old beautiful broken moon every time I take a chance and look up.

I've been searching the skies for too long now. Nothing ever changes. Well, nothing significant. I mean sure, sometimes the moon isn't even there. And sometimes a star I get particularly attached to decides to crash and burn, but in the end it's all almost the same. Almost.

They say hell is an endless cycle of similar events. I thought that was how life was defined. But then again, "endless" is pretty huge. Not something I can even dare comprehend without kissing sanity goodbye. Ah, but the only thing longer than forever is never, right? In which case it isn't exactly impossible to imagine eternity. We do so much worse every day.

It should bother me. The fact that I don't even want the sun anymore. But it's already been quietly accepted in a peaceful wisp of smoke. Besides, there are a lot of things that should bother me and don't. Why should this be any different? No reason at all.

Oh, I could fix my sleep cycle. I could sleep at night and socialize in the day. But these words keep floating by: "No one says anything important during the day." So true, and so deftly eliminating my one (make-believe) reason to fix things. Like a head shot.

Everything I need is right in front of me. And I'm not allowed to touch a thing. Because if I do, I can never have the things I want. And never is a very very long time. So, I lean back, close my eyes and let the smoke dance around. Fragile is relative. And Patience is a virtue. Glass is nothing but sand. Sometimes strength can end up becoming beautiful and fragile. But fragile is relative. And the moon always comes back. "Everything under the sun is in tune , but the sun is eclipsed by the moon." Eclipses are what everything is about. And everything is what eclipses are about. Maybe I should relocate, but where can I go to escape the moon? And why would I want to? Songs. Beauty. Silence. Words. Sadness. Memories. Perhaps I'm just an easy person to haunt. Perhaps it's what comes out of waiting on the dark side of the moon. A tear can sometimes help pass time. Me? I prefer cigarettes. I guess sooner or later, I'll have to take that last drag.
But not yet.
Not just yet.

I Feel Responsible

It's a little after six-thirty in the morning. I don't really get to be conscious at this time very often. Awake maybe, but completely in my senses? Too much to ask...

Anyhow, I woke up at 0515 and couldn't get back to sleep. Luckily I remembered that I was supposed to present some case in Crim. Usually, I couldn't care less... but with her threat of "cutting attendance" and my already dead and rotting record this trim (in attendance), I decided to read the case.

Now, my real purpose of not trying to get back to sleep was that this way I would have enough time to "prepare" myself for class... But you know what? Waking up early is strange. It made me rethink the plan... without the usual guilt-trip. I guess insomnia has a larger role to play in over-indulgence than most people realize.

Right now, I'm listening to music and watching the sky grow lighter and lighter... and it's okay. It really is. Sure, I'm not thinking about things I should be thinking about... But cut me some slack here! I'm just a beginner.

I still want to go home... though my reasons have changed. That doesn't mean I've figured out how I'm going to survive for two months without snapping at everything that moves. Nor how I'm going to make it through the day without a single drag. Of any sort. But... I'll manage. At least, I hope I will.


P.S. When I tried to look for a mood on facebook that said "responsible", this is one of the search results:







Enough said.