Isolation-I

He was pleading with her now, the nerve. Her eyes narrowed even as he continued to speak, his own burning brighter with every small step he took in her direction. It was just wrong. It was the last chance either of them had, and she wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to tell him what she had come here to say, burn with the fierceness of his cruel, taunting words and then leave when the daggers turned into ice, confident in her ability to walk away. And, he was enraged; she could feel it in the way his presence seemed to fill the room, in the way his jaw clenched, so painfully that, for a second, she had to fight the urge to run to him and apologize, beg forgiveness for whatever had caused him to be so angry with her.. Until she remembered what she had come to say.

Except, something was wrong.

She couldn't move away, couldn't avert her gaze, couldn't leave, and she didn't know what to do with the way he allowed his words to caress her, promise her, reassure her.. just as he had done countless number of times before. Never with words, though. That wasn't allowed for him. Not by either of them. Her throat constricted as she realized what that meant. He already knew..

But, she still couldn't leave. Not when his eyes darkened as he spoke, cajoling her exhausted mind to remember what they had never really acknowledged. He was breaking their rules, and she was watching, mesmerized, even as their binds on him strengthened and loosened, the restraints digging deeper and deeper into his very being. And she watched him, until she was certain that he would not refrain, would not relent. And that is when she knew; They were already caged. Always had been. Except theirs was meant to keep the world out. And she couldn't leave him alone in here, not when his eyes glinted at her, sharp and loud in the moonlight, even though his voice was quiet. Not while she could count exactly how many steps she would have to take to reach him. Not while he said her name, over and over, in a voice, which she realized would never fade, never stop echoing..

There was no escape.

The Law of Equivalent Exchange?

You're not supposed to forget the lessons that you learned the hard way. And easy days don't have easy ways. Everything does have its own price. It's all about what you can afford. And what you have to lose. Choice.

Everything runs on something. Everything has a weakness. Information is knowledge, and knowledge is power. Power may corrupt, but that isn't really a concern on precipices of defeat. It's been such a long way down. I think I can see the sea, but I really can't be sure which way is up anymore.

It's been a while, and things have been relatively smooth for too long. The calm before the storm bothers me with all its waiting. And when things you own and loved are on fire, you end up looking forward to the rain.

It's all about circumstance. Some times, the choices you make are already made for you.

Constant disappointment is the key, kids.
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Now playing: Kajiura Yuki - Fake wings
via FoxyTunes

Free?

I'm beginning to think that I may not be able to finish my CPC paper by 4 pm today, though a part of me keeps chanting "But we always manage". Yeah, well, there's always a first time, darling. With 26 rupees on me, no money in my bank account and the sudden realization that I don't even have enough money to print out my project, there's little I can do but laugh.

The only rule to be kept in mind is to go down fighting. I guess this is a last minute thing. I hope it is. I'm waiting for the panic to kick in, but I can't begin to care.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I have a lot left to lose, but I think I'm working on that.


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Now playing: Godsmack - Mistakes
via FoxyTunes

Aeternum vale

.

I don't understand why I feel like I'm going far away. Every day, so many things disappear into too-soon approaching horizons, and it feels like it's me who is receding into the icy waters. Except the colder it gets, the hotter I feel. There must be some way back. But which way is back?

If everything disappears, will I disappear too? If everything that makes up my very existence burns to smoldering ashes, will I burn too? If all that means anything comes to mean nothing, would anything mean anything ever again ?

Rule one: Stay in the abstract. Rule 2: Always remember. Rule 2, proviso: Remembering includes remembering to forget.

Why must everything always contradict everything else? Why is the "odd one out" the odd one out, when one is always odd anyway? Why does it all come down to numbers? Why must everything mean everything else? Why must everything mean nothing?

Why can't I find any answers? I don't know where to look. And everywhere is a very large place. I think I'm running out of time. I wish I knew where it all went. It's been twenty years, and every day, all I know is a little more of nothing.

I've stopped thinking. These are thoughts that keep escaping because I don't want to keep them in my head anymore. I can't, because I have no room for them.

They keep telling me to think back. But back to what? And with everyday, there's so much more to choose from. And I wasn't always me. I am not always me. But we get by with a little help from our friends. And a friend of the devil is a friend of mine.

I scare myself.

Priorities

.

If messed up priorities is really what comes before no priorities at all, I'm not really sure if it would be Nirvana. But honestly, I don't think I would like that.

I mean, I'd rather be confused or even wrong about what's important, rather than have nothing that's important at all.

At least, I think so...

Right?

I can't be sure about anything anymore.

A long chain of endless distractions and addictions.

And it spirals...

Lost

The world is made up of all sorts of people. I know that. I know that, even though sometimes I see only shadows, that's not what is really out there. I know they are all different beings with different aims and reasons, hopes and dreams, loves - lost and remembered. Everyone's got a story to tell... and when time moves so very slow, one reads so many of those tales. The only thing I've ever learned is that there is no such thing as a happy ending.

There are things that you are better off not knowing.
Leave it at that.
Trust me...

Stop reading.
Don't ask about the end!
Someday isn't going to come again.
And the heroes are long dead.

Forget, forget and swallow
It's all only for tomorrow
I knew the ending to my story
but it's all gone now...

Where am I?
So far away.
Don't let me get carried away.

Don't let me get carried away.

Don't let me get carried away...

Untitled

.

I know how it works, but I don't know why.

"Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all."

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
In an ideal world, in an ideal world.. That's all anyone has to say.
What you don't get is that ideal is subjective too.

The more I understand, the less I know.
"Not knowing everything is all that makes it okay, sometimes."
Sometimes.

We itch and we burn and no one cares.
Maybe that's all there is to it.

That and the sky caught in the trees.

We're lost in this forest.

And it won't stop burning.

How long will we wait for the rain?
.

Losing and Failing

I think I would rather lose than fail. Mainly because losing seems like such a relative thing. You lose against someone. You could be awesome, but lose just because someone is better than you. (And someone always is).

On the other hand, if you fail, well... it just means you weren't up to it. And that somehow your failure is a direct consequence of your decisions and actions alone...

I'm afraid I did not lose this time. I failed.

Oh, and the worst part about failure? You can't demand a rematch. You can just hope for another chance.

Not my decision

And so it begins.

Again.

The same old circle.
Spiral.
Tornado.
The same fucking story.
Whatever.

I don't care anymore.
I won't care anymore.
It's supposed to be over.

The decision wasn't mine to make in the first place, was it?
Never was...
But I accepted it.
I made my peace.
I'm done.

I refuse to fall back into the same role.
That movie's over.
I don't want to play that character anymore.
She's not who I am.
I'm not who she was.
I'm who she became, and she doesn't belong in this story anymore.

....
...Not like that's going to change anything.
Everything is still going to happen as it wants to.
Or whatever wants it to.
Or whoever the hell wants it to.
I don't fucking know.
It's not my decision to make.
I can only decide whether to care or not.
And I've made my choice.



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Now playing: 10 - Call Me Call Me?STEVE CONTE
via FoxyTunes

My Song

I used to sing a song of delight
I sang it every single day
A song of clouds and sunshine
But that was before I lost my way

I went down the path to the woods
Where I was sent to grow
But instead of a left, I chose right
And now I don't know where to go

And there's no one here to ask
I can't find anyone around
The people here are all flying in the sky
Or buried in the ground

I don't mind the foggy road
And I don't mind that it's long
All that bothers me
Is that I no longer remember my song...

Finding Nemo

Dear Nemo,

I wish I knew where you were darling. But don't worry, I will find you. Just hold on, everything will be back to normal soon, trust me... I will never stop looking! I love you. See you soon.


Dear Nemo,

It's been over a year now... Don't worry dear, we'll find you. I am still looking... Just got a little diverted. But who is to say that this way won't get me to you quicker? Just because it is an easy path to get lost on doesn't mean everyone who walks it will lose their way. I'm on my way Nemo... I will find you.



Dear Nemo,

Remember the path I told you I was on? Well, it's kinda led me somewhere else... A place I don't know if I'll be able to leave from. I will find you Nemo. Don't worry. And I will always love you. I hope you are safe. And happy.

Untitled

She looked up at the streetlight.

It seemed to shine into her soul.

Giggling softly, she tried pushing the beam away, but it didn't move.

She glared at it for a while and then slowly stepped out of its range.

Twirling, she laughed, and a lone star twinkled in the distant night sky.

She took a few steps forward, still smiling, and then froze, trying to remember why she was here.

She stood still for a long time.

At the center of the crossing.

The traffic lights fascinated her, especially when they changed colors.

Colors.

She liked colors.

Didn't she?...

She blinked, and then started walking again.

It wasn't exactly a straight line, but it wasn't a drunken walk either.

She remembered she was supposed to look out for policemen, but she didn't remember why.

Was she supposed to go to them?

Hide from them?

Ask them something?

Run as fast as she could?

Confused, she lit a cigarette.

"Smoking. Always smoking." she scolded herself like she was supposed to.

No.

Wait.

Wasn't that someone else?

Another drag, and a silly smile lit her face.

And she twirled again, dark hair clashing with falling rain.

Her laughter echoed softly in empty alleys

and she went around in little circles till she couldn't breathe anymore.

Tired knees hit the wet grass as she collapsed...

and a sob escaped her throat.

"Why do you cry, fair child?" he asked

As he knelt beside the girl

"I only want my memory

Its lost somewhere in this world"

They searched far and wide, but the memory was truly lost.

And then one day, it was already time for frost

So she shooed him and his sparrows to summer

and he cursed at the maiden as she bid him farewell...

But she hates him not

neither does she love

She only needs her memories to build

her stairway to the heavens above...

Till she finds those run-away memories, she needs to make new ones

So...

She laughs at the streetlights

coz they remind her of the sun

and how it will eventually destroy her.

And that could be called a memory, couldn't it?