Sickness

.
I'm going to fall ill. I know it. I can feel the dull ache somewhere in the center of my head. Or is it my mind? Whatever. And my throat hurts. It isn't surprising, considering how many sick people I've been hanging out with... including my own room-mate! And I suppose the midnight cold coffees and LMNs really don't help.

I can't afford to be sick. Not with my attendance being at the levels it is now. I don't know what I'm thinking. Project submissions are in three days and I haven't started either. In fact, I haven't had a single consultation. Wait, it gets even better. I'm not sure what my ADR topic is. And he's gone off somewhere to chill...

I don't want to fall sick. Not with project submissions and convocation so close. But, this time, I can't get myself to snap out of it.

Argh, this is pathetic!!!
*sigh*
Whatever has to happen, shall... I guess.
.

Girl in the Mirror

She leaned over the gray stone sink, her dark eyes empty and unfocussed, seemingly staring at a point beyond her own distorted reflection. A sad lonely song played on in the background, but she seemed oblivious to it. Someone was banging on the fragile wooden door. The girl didn't move. She did not even seem to hear it. Silence filled the air. She kept gazing at whatever it was that only she could see. The song ended and another began. And her eyes filled up with tears.

For a while, she let them swim there and then... she blinked, a confused look flitting across her face. Suddenly, she reached up and angrily wiped away the forming tears with the sleeve of her white too-big T-shirt. As she accidentally dragged the sleeve down her face, the frown changed to a grimace. Her head snapped up to attention and she stared at the girl in the mirror as if seeing her there for the first time. Her eyes drifted over the straggly dark hair that fell over the pale face, down to the dark blank eyes. Her gaze stopped at the red line drawn across her left cheek. She reached up slowly and winced as her fingers brushed against the mark.

Her eyes widened as the screams filled her head once again. The dark kohl had smeared across her pale face and for a moment the girl in the mirror frightened her. The empty lifeless eyes, the lack of expression on her face, the detached pain the bruise was giving her. For a moment, it wasn't her reflection she was staring at, it was her ghost. The banging began again, but she paid no attention. The words in her head drowned out everything else.

The song changed again. People began to shout, in worry, in fear, in panic... but the girl was too busy listenin to the voices in her head, staring into the mirror, afraid to reach out and touch it because she didn't know whether it was the glass that lay shattered or if it was just her reflection. Either way would hurt her, either way she would break. Either way, it didn't matter, because she knew that there was no real difference between her and her reflection.

A faint smile played upon her lips as the blackness swallowed her. Just a little longer.

(original post - 10th June 2008)

Ouch!

In the last 11 days I've managed to burn myself, get glass shards to embed themselves in my skin, cut my finger on a can of beer and then while opening a can of ham. And yes, even had the guitar string burn my thumb. The most annoying part is that it takes me very very long every "next morning" to try and figure out how it all happened in the first place.

Sigh.

Well, at least it beats getting stitched up with no idea why your head won't stop bleeding.
:|

Untitled

You talk of numbing the pain
that I don't think I even feel
Keep your remedy with you
I'm well aware of what is real.
And even if it isn't to you
It's become just that to me
I know it seems impossible
But well, maybe Life is just a dream.

07 Feb 2009

07th February 2009.

Time just flies by doesn't it?
Sometimes anyway.
Sometimes, it just refuses to move.

And you find yourself stuck in one single moment for all eternity...

I was reading through some of my posts from a lifetime ago when I found this.

So much has changed
And so much remains the same...

I don't know which bothers me more.

A rainless part of twelve. Cold doesn’t seem the same anymore. And now, again I stand where I once stood.

The same, but just so different.

A few more days. Then it would have been a year. Ravens shriek and robins sing. And I miss the fire of the stars. 66. Should have got further.

The name’s Bond. James Bond. And then we all fall down.

To the end of the bottomless pit.

How many special people change?

Do they remain the same people? Are they still special?

If so, then why were there never any phone calls?

Why couldn’t there be any conversation?

“Yes darling, everything’s fine. I’m ok. How have you been?”

Senseless. Pointless.

“No, I’m not sleepy. It’s the drugs.”

Hurtful. True.

Click. Light. Drag.

Over and over.

Till everything is on the other side of the haze.

And if you concentrate hard enough, the voices stay there too. So you listen to none except the ones in your head.

“No. It’s not coz I was avoiding you.”

Lies.

Mine.

Songs that sing themselves.

Why have you forsaken me?

God doesn’t forsake any of his children.

And then darkness claims the fire. And she dances away happily into the cold.

And I know these voices in my head are mine alone.

“Don’t isolate yourself.”

I’m not. I’m jus isolating everyone else.

And they all fall down.

I just go higher. And higher.

What goes up has got to fall.

Original post - 27th January 2008.

Missed?

Flicker
Flicker

Watch out for the blue screen.

Visions are all good, but they can't ever be real no?
And the ferry man has to be paid, or you're stuck between worlds my darling.
Stuck between worlds.

If you are leaving for ever and ever
remember to take your coat
Because it's been raining
and raining
and raining

So, run along
and don' worry
You won't be missed
Won't be missed at all
at all
at all...

Blinded

"Blinded (When I See You)"

- Third Eye Blind

Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to but
I never know when I'm done

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor around your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
But when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you

I never believed that things, they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned but
You're passed do you understand

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she's a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean, let me be clever
Hey, oh well whatever
But that's not what I mean
When where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight you know I'll never win

So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun

Time, it passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me, I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you

Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one

[Chorus]
So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you
I'm blinded

An old friend?
Lets refrain from throwing words around, shall we?
When has "Not supposed to" ever stopped you before???
You come and go as you please, don't you?
Who am I to tell you this isn't the right time?
Who am I to ask you to stay?

The days fade whether you're here or not.
And I'm used to the silence now, so please, make yourself comfortable.
Don't worry about the damage.
I owe you as much as you owe me.
So lets just stop counting wounds and have another drink.
Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?
And isn't that what we're supposed to be?
Friends?
Would you like some soda with that punch?

Don't thank me.
Stick to the rules.
It's your game.
They're your rules.

Angry?
Anger takes feeling.
And I feel nothing for you.
Not anymore.

I have no energy for this fight.
But I'll still play along.
Let's just keep pretending.
Does that suit you?
I think it fits perfectly.

So, lets...
Lets pretend we're friends.
Lets pretend you actually give a damn.
And lets pretend I'm still waiting...

...
If we become the things we do...
well, you're dead.
And I?
I am a ghost.
And no, they're not the same.

Icarus flew too close to the sun.
He didn't fly away into space without a goodbye.
You don't have to promise.
I'll never ask you to.
Just don't ask me if it's because I don't believe in promises...
or because I don't believe in you...

You always came and went as you wished, didn't you?
Don't let me be the one to change that.

Lucky?
Golden?
Still pretending, are we?
Anything for you.
Isn't that how this game worked?
...

You made your choice.
You were the one who left.
You don't get to turn this around.
And you do not get to blame me.

Tell me what you want.
Say what you're here to say.

Stay as long as you want.
But... this time, when you leave
Please don't come back...

I can't keep waiting for things you're never going to say or do.
And I can't keep staring at the sun...

The Wait

I wait in the darkness
And I wait in the rain
I left once before
But never again
I wait as the sun sets
and I'll be here as it will rise
I wait with the roots
and look up to the skies
I wait in the darkness
I wait in the rain
I wait for your return
and I wait for the pain

The Ring

Sometimes I can't take the phone ringing
Over and over, it glows
I don't want to hear your voice
I don't want to talk
Leave me alone!
So, I pretend to be asleep
Pretend to be away
Because apologizing is so much easier
than forcing inside the pain
and then maybe I can believe
You won't call again...