Chaos

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There's a moth in my room, and it's beautiful. It has blue wings that have gold edges. I wish I had a camera. I wish it would fly out the window. I think I make too many wishes. It's only because the stars keep falling.

I have no idea where I will be in twenty four hours. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a very big fan of change. I always thought I was, but quite clearly, I was horribly mistaken. I don't even have the energy to curse this glare anymore. The windows are always open, Peter.. (but that's only because I keep forgetting to close them.)

There's just so much to do. I don't know where I'm going to find the time. I wish they would have just let me stay. I hope things work out in the next six hours. I can't leave now... The rain is here...

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Now playing: Khadki Junction Blues
via FoxyTunes

Leaving

A last post from college.

It isn't even an entire month. I have got to remember that. Everything will still be fine when I come back. Nothing really ends. I'm waiting for the cab to get here and everything feels so surreal. In a matter of a few hours, will I really be home? I don't want to go back. I'm nobody's here. I belong to myself and myself alone. At home, I'm just ...there.

I wish I could explain better, but I'm pretty inarticulate right now and I could really use one last cigarette. *sigh* These holidays are going to be too long...

"Leave Me Alone"

Leave me alone...

Were those not your last words to me dear Sayuri?

They must have been.

I still remember that night you know...

It was really cold, and I could tell you had been crying.

I could have asked.

I should have said something.

Asked how you were doing, whether you needed anything, if everything was okay, anything!

Instead, I tilted my new hat at you and nodded.

And you smiled back.

Just a tiny little smile, but it made me really happy, you know?

That you cared enough to try and smile even though you were sad...

But I know you would have done the same for anyone who smiled at you...

Still, as you walked away in that light rain

with the dark shadows growing behind you as you walked further into the night in your black dress...

I thought that there was still some chance we could fix the mess we had made.

Thought things were finally getting better...

I didn't say a word.

And the next morning they told me you were dead.

Wait a minute Sayuri darling.

Let me pour myself a drink. Its been too long.

And where did I keep that damned matchbox?!

Sorry, where was I?

I remember the day we spent at the beach

It seems like such a long long time ago

Akane was there too, along with him.

That was nice.

We laughed a lot, All of us.

Sang silly songs all the way there and back.

And you spoke to me as if everything was fine.

As if nothing had been broken.

Like you could not see the past anymore.

And I don't know if that hurt or helped.

But I do know that I liked the way your dark hair flew about your pale face

and I liked the black dress you wore...

like the one you were wearing the last time I saw you...

Another drink Sayuri.

Just hold on.

No, I'm not drinking too much.

Just another shot...

You know what?

I wish I knew you before...

Before all the pills, and the drinking...

I know you'd be mad at me for saying this

I know you would say it would have been the same...

But would it have?

Maybe then you would have said you loved me

Maybe then I would have said the same...

Maybe I would have stopped by that night.

We wouldn't have had that stupid argument...

Do you remember that night?

I do.

I wish I didn't.

But now, I realize that it was the last time I ever heard your voice...

And so, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.

I won't be able to forget the screaming

the thunder

the shattering of the vase (the crystal one Inari gave you for your b'day)

the yelling

the tears that filled up in your eyes - the ones you rubbed away before they ever had a chance to fall...

I'll never forget the way you looked at me that night

The anger

the disbelief

and the pain...

Just leave me alone...

Want to know a secret?

It wasn't the screaming that made me leave...

It was that look.

Your words.

I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you...

and I realized I had.

Over and over,

So, I packed up my bags and left.

Didn't even kiss you goodbye.

Left you alone, with your "substances"

Left a shaky you trying to pour a drink into a glass.

Didn't even offer to help.

Didn't call.

Didn't bat an eyelid when that other guy moved in.

Didn't say a word to you when I ever ran into you anywhere.

Didn't say anything when I saw the first bruise.

Didn't listen to the rumors...

I didn't know.

I didn't know he hurt you.

I didn't want to know.

So... I didn't.

I don't know why I smiled at you last night Sayuri.

Maybe I thought it was finally time.

Maybe it was the fact that it was raining, and I always love you more when it rains.

But I didn't say a word...

Would things be different if I had spoken to you?

Would it have changed anything?

Would they still find your body in that bathtub?

I wonder what was the last thing you thought of...

Were you scared?

Did you close your eyes when you drew that line?

Did it hurt?

Leave me alone...

Those were your last words to me...

and I wish I had never listened...

The Ring

Sometimes I can't take the phone ringing
Over and over, it glows
I don't want to hear your voice
I don't want to talk
Leave me alone!
So, I pretend to be asleep
Pretend to be away
Because apologizing is so much easier
than forcing inside the pain
and then maybe I can believe
You won't call again...