Customary Holiday Post - 1

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It feels weird to be here again, considering how many lifetimes have gone by since I had something to say. Not that I have anything in particular to say tonight, but the silence is killing me. I hate silences, the way one would hate an especially rotten smell. It isn't just a mental sort of loathing, but an overwhelming physical sensation that makes you clench your teeth and steel your insides.

I'm home again.

The real problem with silence is that it can't be drowned out. I'm fairly certain of this, because I've tried everything. And the only thing that ever helps is screaming inside your head. But even that doesn't work if you can't find your voice. And I think I've lost mine.

I haven't been able to write for too long now. I think it's because every time I decide I want to try, the letters rush into each other, melting together like some sort of soup mix gone horribly wrong until I can't tell whether they're saying anything at all. It takes every bit of strength I can muster to just separate them from one another and read them as words. Usually I can manage that.

Sometimes I can't.

When things go wrong, you can draw upon an inner strength that kicks in like some sort of dependable electricity-generator. But when the only problem is one with the voltage, there's nothing to do but try and finish reading your novel in the flickering light, hoping you don't miss out on something important that would have completely transformed your life.

I can't understand time. And it feels like space itself is playing some twisted prank on me, trailing me with shadows and tricking me into believing that I'm never by myself. Clawing through curtains makes my fingernails bleed, and it tortures me that the only physical evidence left behind is smudged kohl and chalk under my nails.

I used to know where I was going, even though I pretended otherwise. Now, I feel out of focus, like a photograph taken from a shaky camera on a star studded night. Frozen in perpetual blurriness. Like a snowflake. Unique if you bother to put it under a microscope, but just a tiny, falling, melting piece of ice otherwise.

I have become my own dream. But there's nothing more to destroy here. And I can barely hide in the areas of this canvas that are still devoid of paint, pen marks and blood. Thank God for stainless tears.

The carousel is making me sick, and I keep telling myself I'll jump off when it completes one more circle. Except I can't tell the beginning from the middle from the end.. And I've almost come to believe that there is no difference. Maybe it never began. Maybe it will never end.

I'm still going to jump though. Regardless of whether or not Prince Charming or the Snow Queen reward me with their promised kiss of life. And if I manage to melt the glass in your eye as I sail through the air, I'll crash magnificently to the ground, shining in all sorts of colors as you cry for perceived sacrifices.

But, time is so much faster than I can be. And it's running out the rabbit hole. I thought Wonderland was beautiful, and I still think so. But the paint is peeling off the walls and I'm beginning to think this was only a cheap imitation. Or maybe it's dying.

And I'm so dizzy...

The World

Can't risk it. Either way. If you know there's an electric chair waiting for you at the end of two years, life can easily become quite pointless. At least you burn, and not drown. Would you remind me to breathe?

Thoughts should always be accompanied with a sub-title file. Or you should be allowed to talk in pictures. I wish everyone would paint. Giving up is easier in a gray world. The trick is to keep the black and white from separating.

The only constant that should be allowed to flicker is fire. And fire doesn't like being called a constant.

Is something eluding you, sunshine?
Join the club, darling.


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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - She Looks To Me
via FoxyTunes

Seasons

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The season of change is still here. Whether or not things are going to stay different is something only time knows. Secrets are burned or buried. Life is pointless, but there's nothing wrong with that. You can't destroy fairy dust. And dead fairies live only as long as you believe in them. I'm not me, but no one really is.

I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring or take away. And what I don't know about, I can't control. Ignorance may not be bliss, but it can come pretty close. Neglect works pretty well too... if you can kill off your conscience.

Even if I could fly, I wouldn't be able to get to the moon. And every single time I try, there's someone waiting to catch me. Tight ropes and burned bridges are fun to walk on. Because you know there are only two ways off. Either you reach the other side or you fall. It's all about balance. And you can't lose what you never had.

I used to think that you could only give what you have. But that isn't completely true. Sometimes you can give away borrowed things, even if you have no right to do so. You have to pay for everything, but that doesn't mean you can't get what you can't afford. You just collect debt. I'll deal with it later. Infinite debt plus a little more is still an infinite amount. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't change.

A fall from here won't be fatal.
And that is what worries me...

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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - She Looks To Me
via FoxyTunes

Update

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In one lifetime, there are lots of things people do that they wish they never had. But as long as you can find a box to throw all your old memories in, they won't interfere with today. As long as you remember to lock the doors.

Things change constantly, and no matter how miserable the world looks, sometimes you have to wait out the storm. Marvel at the rain while it falls. It's a memory you won't visit too often. And these kind of things can not be forgotten.

I'm done here. I've been done for a while. But borrowed time is still time. And the places you go to, after the show's over, won't let me in.

I think I've gone away again. But this vacation isn't like the others. I don't know if I'm coming back. And it's really alright. Because borrowed time is still time. And I hate being in debt.

September's nearly over. October isn't really my favorite month either. But every silver lining's got a touch of gray. I like gray. And I think I rather like this cloud.


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Now playing: Plain White T's - Hey there Delailah
via FoxyTunes

Yesterday To Tomorrow

Things have changed.

Again.

But unlike the times before, from yesterday comes tomorrow.



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Now playing: Audioslave - Yesterday to Tomorrow
via FoxyTunes

Untitled

I love September's skies.

"Things happen for a reason."

I don't want to know.

You know what I like best about music? It's such selfless company. It never wants anything from you. And I love the way some songs stick to the insides of your thoughts, constantly dripping melodies that tickle the back of your mind. Like ice-cold rain drops trickling down your spine. You know they're there, but only because you feel it. And maybe, it is just in your head?

I told her I'd be there at Sunset.

Too late, darling. Dawn is breaking everywhere.

Light?

You know... it smells like rain...

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Now playing: Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey
via FoxyTunes

La-la-la

I have to write a Civil Procedure Code paper in about 12 hours, followed by a carry over subject's paper in 16. Though I haven't yet registered for the latter, so perhaps I won't have to give it after all. Which may have been a good thing if I was certain that I would be allowed to write the former. I have missed 18 classes already.

I should be panicking, but it isn't getting through. Maybe that's a good thing.

I'm locked in tight, I'm outta range

I used to care, but things have changed.

Wasn't me

I was there when it all happened, but that was not me.

"So long ago, so far away,
Was everything truly there?”

- Todd Willingham

Everything was.
I wasn't.

The Law of Equivalent Exchange?

You're not supposed to forget the lessons that you learned the hard way. And easy days don't have easy ways. Everything does have its own price. It's all about what you can afford. And what you have to lose. Choice.

Everything runs on something. Everything has a weakness. Information is knowledge, and knowledge is power. Power may corrupt, but that isn't really a concern on precipices of defeat. It's been such a long way down. I think I can see the sea, but I really can't be sure which way is up anymore.

It's been a while, and things have been relatively smooth for too long. The calm before the storm bothers me with all its waiting. And when things you own and loved are on fire, you end up looking forward to the rain.

It's all about circumstance. Some times, the choices you make are already made for you.

Constant disappointment is the key, kids.
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Now playing: Kajiura Yuki - Fake wings
via FoxyTunes

True Story # 1

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Lying upside down in a tiny hotel room, in a black dress and pointed heels, smoking a cigarette, watching Alvin and the Chipmunks sing for Christmas on TV.
While a guy she'd met for the first time the evening before took a shower.
Her phone which lay beside her, almost out of charge, told a tale of a call list she could only cringe at. The only charger they had between them was in her bag, which was incidentally with the manager of the last bar they hit the night before. It also contained all her money, both her cards and enough stuff to put her in jail for 7 years.

Also, she was missing her 21st and 22nd hours of a certain class.

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(As related to this blogger, last winter)

Sailing Sinking Ships

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We live in constant fear, tired and paranoid eyes scanning the gray seas for any signs of their ships. They wish to hunt us down like the supposed criminals we are. Criminals? We are, but mere, dreamers. We do not believe in their petty Gods of selfish goals and pretty furniture. And for that, we are watched and hunted and live under the constant threat of exile.

Exile! But if there were only a place to run away to! Oh well, the world is round and we've been sailing for years. If we knew where this world ended, there would be no need to wander the seas for, what could only be, eternity.

There are many among us who believe that the right boat will come along to pick us up, even though it means doing little more than waiting forever. These men live in the inner cabins of the ship, which they've decorated to look like ordinary homes, barely aware of the journey itself. Many fall asleep holding on to memories that stopped being valuable a hundred thousand years ago.

There are a few who leave us, on small boats, convinced that there is no point in this journey. Often, they return once they realize that the night is a thousand times darker when you are alone. Sometimes, we never see them again.

There are those who believe that the shore will appear on the horizon if we just keep sailing. But we've been sailing for an eternity. The World is round. But I do not have the heart to remind them.

There are some who sit on the wooden deck under moonlit skies and talk in hushed voices. I join them, sometimes, if only to see the stars reflecting in their otherwise tired eyes; faces suddenly years younger than they appear to be under the glaring light of the sun. Their company makes this voyage bearable. Their thoughts make my soul want to cry out at the unfairness of our flight. Their dreams make me smile. Their hope spreads like flames from a candle kept too close to too many sheets of paper.

And then there are those who have thrown themselves into the raging seas, convinced in the madness of stormy nights and thunderous skies, that the only land there is to find lies many many miles under the water's surface. I have seen many rescued from such a plight. And I have seen many faces gasping for air before the waters claimed them forever. I have said many goodbyes.

I choke and drown on memories that have long left the insides of my mind. I think I made a mistake when I turned it inside-out. Now the whole world is in my head. And there's no place left for me in there, anymore.

I have no country to return to. And the land we set out sailing towards seems to be nowhere in sight. This ship and it's crew is the only world that exists tonight. But even the hushed voices of the people with stars in their eyes can't drown out the screams of the drowning. Perhaps the only land that exists is really a thousand miles under water.

They never told us that you couldn't sail the moonlight to the moon...

I think our ship is sinking.

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Where is my mind?

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I find myself thinking of winter, as I once did all through the year. Winter is my favorite season. Even the things that go wrong don't bother you as much as they do in the summer. I'm sure it has something to do with the sun. I suppose, in winter, the cold helps.

Monsoons are for pleasant melancholy mornings spent listening to the sounds of the skies rumbling above the music, wondering why you aren't in class. This attendance issue is really beginning to bother me. I don't understand why it's so hard just to get to class. It's just that I'm so weary...

I think it's a dark night. Not that I'd dare venture on to the terrace. I wouldn't come back for too long. And then I'd have trouble getting to class tomorrow too.

I should get some research done for my history consultation. I think today was the last day. And I also have to get a medical certificate.

I spoke to Emma a few nights ago. I remember the base with its safe walls. I remember the base with its iron bars. The golf course, counting stars. It was a fun time. And "My back pages" is playing now. ^_^ I love it when situation-fitting music plays. I was so much older then, I am younger than that now. I remember the frantic phone calls and sneaking out. The webs of million lies we all got ourselves entangled in; things that were so much bigger than any of us. Than all of us... It feels so strange to think back. I can still see Foreshore Road in my mind. That infinite stretch of blackness with dots of lights glowing along the water's edge. I remember every tree, every turn, every sign-post...

But dwelling on the past isn't something you can afford to do when the present is constantly turning into the past at a pace you can barely keep up with. And I've left those days so far behind. Survival is of primary importance. There isn't any place in this world for the things we dreamed of. And the things we thought we were fighting for... well, they never existed in the first place. I won't lie, it had it's own charm. The feeling that we were actually making some sort of difference. The problem is, in hindsight, I see the mistakes we made glow brighter than the things we did right. And it's a painful realization to have; that we are still living with the consequences of our actions as naive children who thought they'd seen the world. What does a night-owl know about the beauty of dawn? What does a bat know about the wrath of the sun? Mere glimpses. Next to nothing.

I think the last two years are catching up to me. It was bound to happen, and I'm just surprised it took so long. Miss Sunshine, in a moment of profundity, recently said "I don't know why, but this feels like the end." The world is ending, darling. For if something is changed to such a degree that it has next to nothing left of the original matter, it isn't called an amendment, it's an abrogation. And fundamental rights are all about the government and power. Politics.

Everything creeps up everywhere else and I'm getting lost in the million multicolored ribbons I'm using to connect it all. But at least I now know what near-total loss of control feels like. It's scary, but it is a rush.

Anyhow, I have wasted enough time. I really should try and read up some history. Goodnight folks. Hopefully, my next post won't be during class hours tomorrow.



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Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Gun Song
via FoxyTunes

Rules

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Life is all about rules.
First, learning them. Then, bending them. And finally, breaking the ones that you can't work around.
"You're wrong only if you get caught."
I hear you, sir.

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Life Lessons - June '09

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1. Babies are trippy.

2. Ice-cream can't always make everything better.

3. The human body can take a lot more than we think.

4. The human mind, on the other hand, can only take so much..

5. Surprises aren't always pleasant.

6. Music is the single most important and greatest creation of man.

7. There's no such thing as a "new" day.

8. Fooling the world is terribly easy.

9. Anything can be funny enough to make you laugh... if you look at it the right way. It's all about perspective.

10. Food is important, but not consistently essential.

11. We will get by, we will survive... no matter what. (Fatal accidents not included, of course.)

12. Some spirals never seem to end. However, one should never forget that, theoretically, they are all supposed to.

13. Goodbyes are merely a matter of procedure.

14. Just because something seems like a bad idea doesn't mean it'll necessarily fail.

15. Just because something seems like a good idea, doesn't mean it is.


>To be continued



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Now playing: David Garland - I Guess I Just Wasn't Made For These Times
via FoxyTunes

Leaving

A last post from college.

It isn't even an entire month. I have got to remember that. Everything will still be fine when I come back. Nothing really ends. I'm waiting for the cab to get here and everything feels so surreal. In a matter of a few hours, will I really be home? I don't want to go back. I'm nobody's here. I belong to myself and myself alone. At home, I'm just ...there.

I wish I could explain better, but I'm pretty inarticulate right now and I could really use one last cigarette. *sigh* These holidays are going to be too long...

Untitled

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I know how it works, but I don't know why.

"Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all."

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
In an ideal world, in an ideal world.. That's all anyone has to say.
What you don't get is that ideal is subjective too.

The more I understand, the less I know.
"Not knowing everything is all that makes it okay, sometimes."
Sometimes.

We itch and we burn and no one cares.
Maybe that's all there is to it.

That and the sky caught in the trees.

We're lost in this forest.

And it won't stop burning.

How long will we wait for the rain?
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Lives and Dreams

"Row, Row, Row your boat
Gently down the Stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily;
Life is but a dream..."

I suppose surrealism is hard to escape when you're already unsure about the difference between dreaming and staying awake. I blame the insane sleeping hours. I could blame a lot of other things, but this shall do for now. Then again, it's not exactly a bad thing. An "odd dream-like quality" sounds nice enough.

I slept from after breakfast to before dinner today. There goes Sunday. Spent completely in Morpheus's realm. It's okay. I had a few decent dreams. At least from what I can remember. There was good music, new places, a sun rise and even enough cigarettes. And the people were interesting too.

I prefer waking up from nightmares over supremely happy dreams. I think everyone does. Or should anyway. Once you wake up from a nightmare, there's nothing but relief waiting for you. Relief that none of it was real. On the other hand, waking up from a dream where everything is going fine is just sad. I once had a dream where the whole world made sense. (Well, not once I woke up, but at least while I was in it!) Everything was almost perfect! Lillin woke me up from it and it took ten minutes of conversation before the realization hit me: None of it was real.
Not cool.

I've always wondered about the whole life-dream angle. IF life were just a dream, then could you just pass from one dream to another mid-way? Would that be a parallel universe? Or is it necessary that you wake up? And if it is, is dying the only way you have?

If life was just a dream... how would you feel waking from it? Would you be glad? Relieved? Sad? Devastated?
Would you even remember at all?

To Seth

Dear Seth,

It's been almost a year darling... I know I gave you the address of this blog. Those emails we used to exchange all stopped all so long ago. And the ids are probably long gone. I don't think you even log in anymore... Not like I can complain... Neither do I...

Except, today, I've realized that if you are ever trying to get in touch with me, this is the only way you can, hence, I shall write you this letter, no matter how completely "emo" it may sound.

But before I begin reminiscing, I want you to know... Remember all those pictures of you and Tira (was that even her name?) you sent me? I came across a couple of them online when I was randomly wasting life on the internet. Those weren't really pictures of you were they? Then, I can only assume Jordan was a lie as well... But I don't understand...

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you got thrown out. Nor when she 'left'... but Mave was... and sometimes I think she believes you will still come back...

Sometimes I think that you will come back too...

I read the last email you sent her. I wish I could say that I wish I hadn't... but I guess it helped. Because honestly (and there's nothing easier than being honest with someone you think is dead), by the end of it all, I really could not think of a reason to ask you to hold on... I know that sounds cruel, but it's true. I didn't have a right to do that... and the little bit of what I did, I forsake when I came to this place...

I'm so sorry Seth darling, because by the end of it, I think I stopped believing. Perhaps because it was easier to think that all you said was a lie... Or maybe because I just couldn't handle what you told me... I guess it all comes down to the same thing...

You may wonder (if you're still somewhere out there...) why I decided to write to you today. Well, I spoke to a really good friend of mine who reminded me of the position I was in at one point of time... except I guess he has it worse. He's met her... I don't even know what you look like. Not anymore.

You know... Half of me always wanted every thing you said to be true. But I shall not deny (not anymore anyway), that half of me frantically hoped that you were just one big lie. Because it would mean one less kid out there in the sort of trouble you were in.

You were the first person I ever met who loved me unconditionally. You were there even before Mave was. And though you knew nothing about me, you listened. You made me one of the reasons everything was worth it. And you gave me a reason to believe in people. Because if someone could go through what you did and still be such a sweetheart, then this world wasn't all that messed up...

or maybe that's exactly why it was...

Anyway, all I really want to say is that if you're still somewhere out there... come back? Tell me you're okay. I don't care if every word you ever said was a complete lie. It's okay. It doesn't matter anymore. Those 9 hour conversations are not what I really miss. I miss you. And what you meant.

I love you and I always will.

Love
Jade

Back to School

I haven't really been writing anything here because I don't really want to do a "Back to Law School" post. But, I suppose I can't put it off forever. So, I'm back. In Law School.

Almost-holy places have been visited. Pecos, Roof, Amma's, Rohini and then some. All the necessary rituals have been completed. SF tripping, reminiscing, phone calls, music... It really doesn't feel like its been only four days. But this time, it does feel like we were away for a while. Maybe because I had an eventful holiday this time. Too eventful if you ask me. Almost feels like an entire trimester's worth of events!!! Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but just a slight one!

These holidays were good because I actually revisited the past. And by the past, I don't just mean life before college. I mean school. (For the slightly confused, there was that annoying year spent at St. T.) I knew that I wasn't the same, but it felt great finding out that I hadn't completely changed either. I mean, yeah, I am definitely very very diferent, but the "basic structure" seems to be the same. ;) I don't really know why that makes me feel better, but it does.

Yeagh, this is one of the most pointless posts I have written on this blog. *laughs* I know many who will disagree and point out at least a million other posts that seem to make NO sense whatsoever, but I'm talking about "pointless" and not "senseless". Because senseless things sometimes do have a point. But then again, so does this. Okay, any more thinking along these lines and this post will cross both lines.

Oh yes, how could I forget? About an hour ago, I found out that I may just have passed Fly. That's a relief. But I really must find out for sure. Oh well, that's what "tomorrows" are for. *nods solemnly*

Other than that, life goes on, everything changes but always in the same way, aaand my blog stays highly emo. *sigh* I really must do something about that... "Not that there's anything wrong with it!"
heh.
Yes, but seriously.

Untitled

You talk of numbing the pain
that I don't think I even feel
Keep your remedy with you
I'm well aware of what is real.
And even if it isn't to you
It's become just that to me
I know it seems impossible
But well, maybe Life is just a dream.