Why do people always become so much more annoying around project submissions? So much more retarded. Stupid questions and pointless conversations. Heck, if you really have so much of nothing to do, do my project! And if you do have something to do, then go do it!!! Get the hell away from me and stay the fuck away.
tch.
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The Insomniac - 1
I can see the sky growing lighter. The rays from the sun somehow find their way to my dungeon-like room. My neighbors from the building across have finally gone to bed. I can tell because the lights are out. Finally. This means I can smoke in peace, without the peeking and the muttering. Sometimes I think I should light my room in red and chant devilish verses in unholy voices into the night. Maybe that would stop their constant surveillance and gossip. Or it would get me thrown out of this apartment, which I really can not afford.
I sigh. The relief is undeniable. Another night is over. I'm still here. I'm a wreck and the place is a mess, but I'm still here. I stand up, slowly, so as to not upset the papers spread out before me. It took me a long time to finish this set of calculations, and I do not have the energy to do it all again.
I know the routine. In a few minutes I'll have to go looking for water. The water-purifier on this floor is probably busted again, which means another trek to the next building. The night-watchmen, which I don't know how my aunt affords, will give me their curious stares as I hurry past in the same black dress I wore to the party last night.
On my way back, I'll run into the other "inhabitants" of this building as they wake up to the "new day". Even though the place is falling apart, it still has some of the "original" and "respectable" residents haunting the floors. From the old days when my aunt first bought the property, waiting for the promised sky-high rocketing prices. Of course, that was before the string of murders and the Court case. Now it's worth nothing. That, undeniably, has worked out perfectly for me. Thanks to the "arrangement" between the remaining family I have and myself, they can feel sufficiently guilt-free for giving me a place to live in and I get to stay at a semi-decent place for next to free. Perfect. Except for the stares I get.
At first, the parents studied me with barely disguised curiosity, wondering what 'someone like me' was doing in a 'place like this' in the first place. By now they're used to me and my seemingly planned descent into blatant decadence, though I can tell they don't approve by the way they panic if one of their kids starts up a conversation as I duck past lit corridors on the rare occasions my music player doesn't have enough charge to politely discourage any interaction. And by the way they glare when I light up a cigarette. I can tell because I can see them shaking their heads in pity and compassion. I'm obviously "too young" to be staying by myself and stumbling home drunkenly at bizarre hours. Some nights I imagine going up to their doors and knocking softly with the gun clenched tightly in my hand. Once in a while I even imagine doing the maniacal laughter bit as they cautiously open their doors. But being the sane and reasonable person that I am, I do nothing of the sort.
Suddenly remembering the weapon, I spin around and reach under the pillow, sighing in relief as my fingers find the cold steel. I make my way to the window once again, studying the sky. Not much longer now.
(to be continued)
I sigh. The relief is undeniable. Another night is over. I'm still here. I'm a wreck and the place is a mess, but I'm still here. I stand up, slowly, so as to not upset the papers spread out before me. It took me a long time to finish this set of calculations, and I do not have the energy to do it all again.
I know the routine. In a few minutes I'll have to go looking for water. The water-purifier on this floor is probably busted again, which means another trek to the next building. The night-watchmen, which I don't know how my aunt affords, will give me their curious stares as I hurry past in the same black dress I wore to the party last night.
On my way back, I'll run into the other "inhabitants" of this building as they wake up to the "new day". Even though the place is falling apart, it still has some of the "original" and "respectable" residents haunting the floors. From the old days when my aunt first bought the property, waiting for the promised sky-high rocketing prices. Of course, that was before the string of murders and the Court case. Now it's worth nothing. That, undeniably, has worked out perfectly for me. Thanks to the "arrangement" between the remaining family I have and myself, they can feel sufficiently guilt-free for giving me a place to live in and I get to stay at a semi-decent place for next to free. Perfect. Except for the stares I get.
At first, the parents studied me with barely disguised curiosity, wondering what 'someone like me' was doing in a 'place like this' in the first place. By now they're used to me and my seemingly planned descent into blatant decadence, though I can tell they don't approve by the way they panic if one of their kids starts up a conversation as I duck past lit corridors on the rare occasions my music player doesn't have enough charge to politely discourage any interaction. And by the way they glare when I light up a cigarette. I can tell because I can see them shaking their heads in pity and compassion. I'm obviously "too young" to be staying by myself and stumbling home drunkenly at bizarre hours. Some nights I imagine going up to their doors and knocking softly with the gun clenched tightly in my hand. Once in a while I even imagine doing the maniacal laughter bit as they cautiously open their doors. But being the sane and reasonable person that I am, I do nothing of the sort.
Suddenly remembering the weapon, I spin around and reach under the pillow, sighing in relief as my fingers find the cold steel. I make my way to the window once again, studying the sky. Not much longer now.
(to be continued)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Million Different Thoughts
There were a million different thoughts in my head today. Things I was supposed to come back and think about. Instead I chose to indulge in conversation that's been put off too long. And not just once, but twice! Anyway, advice doesn't help when it contradicts itself. And now I've forgotten what it was that I wanted to talk about.
It must have had something to do with the perfect place that was in my head all day, and which I finally found. (Thank you Agent Zero!!!) It could have something to do with the mid-night jam session that I was surrounded by for a few precious minutes... but I don't really remember what it was anymore... and it's so perfectly and unfairly fine.
I give it one more day. I always give it one more day. That might be part of the problem. I shouldn't sleep. It's already past four. And if I try and sleep now, there is no way I shall get to class tomorrow. Which I have to get to. I must.
But if I stay up all night, I'll just fall asleep in class and be thrown out. Ah, the logic the mind uses when it's been deprived of sleep for long enough! The only alternative is missing class. Again. Which I can not do. Not again.
I guess we're not the only ones who the universe plays with. I guess. I would say "I hope", but that would make me sound crueler than I really feel at the moment, which is never fun. Well, almost never.
And I know, that a year from now, none of this will matter. None of it. And that should be the worst part, but it's always the best. The unavoidable sense of the transient nature of it all. Nothing else matters, nothing but now, because now is greater than the past, and I know that. Damn it. There were too many commas in the previous sentence, but I really don't care anymore, so if this post annoys you, deal with it.
I shouldn't have. I should have. Only delaying the inevitable. You're always delaying the inevitable, but if you're really trying to stop that, you may as well try to fly. But you don't. Perhaps because sometimes, delaying the inevitable is only human? Perhaps. I wouldn't know. And I don't care.
I would lie. I do. But I would do it so much more often if you promised me I would get away with it. But then again, I would probably not believe you. So why try? "Lie or be lied to". "Deceive or be deceived". And it doesn't make you noble if you go ahead and try to prove the whole world wrong. It makes you stupid. Are you listening Mave dear? Never noble. Only stupid. We were so young. Everyone was, but does that mean it's not an excuse anymore?
I know I'm rambling. I may also be ranting. But it's past four in the morning. And I'm tired. And most importantly, typing has become so much easier than writing. I think that's fucked up. I really do. But, whatever works. And whatever works worked so long that I don't want to mess with it.
Even though that implies that I shouldn't have meddled with a lot of things that were moving along just fine. I guess that means we were right. We would mess up everything we had. Which is cool, because it was all about delaying the inevitable. There was a point made about this, wasn't there?
I could go on forever. I probably would, if it wasn't for the decision that has to be made now. Get a couple of hours of sleep or stay awake till it's time to leave. And that is so silly-ly profound, it's not even funny.
It's not fair that words and songs and quotes and memories get associated with people who you once knew. And it's pretty retarded to say that memories shouldn't do that, but it still isn't fair, because it makes you feel guilty about forgetting. Like getting flowers. Unless they're dead, but that's pretty retarded too.
I should sleep. I think I shall go now.
It must have had something to do with the perfect place that was in my head all day, and which I finally found. (Thank you Agent Zero!!!) It could have something to do with the mid-night jam session that I was surrounded by for a few precious minutes... but I don't really remember what it was anymore... and it's so perfectly and unfairly fine.
I give it one more day. I always give it one more day. That might be part of the problem. I shouldn't sleep. It's already past four. And if I try and sleep now, there is no way I shall get to class tomorrow. Which I have to get to. I must.
But if I stay up all night, I'll just fall asleep in class and be thrown out. Ah, the logic the mind uses when it's been deprived of sleep for long enough! The only alternative is missing class. Again. Which I can not do. Not again.
I guess we're not the only ones who the universe plays with. I guess. I would say "I hope", but that would make me sound crueler than I really feel at the moment, which is never fun. Well, almost never.
And I know, that a year from now, none of this will matter. None of it. And that should be the worst part, but it's always the best. The unavoidable sense of the transient nature of it all. Nothing else matters, nothing but now, because now is greater than the past, and I know that. Damn it. There were too many commas in the previous sentence, but I really don't care anymore, so if this post annoys you, deal with it.
I shouldn't have. I should have. Only delaying the inevitable. You're always delaying the inevitable, but if you're really trying to stop that, you may as well try to fly. But you don't. Perhaps because sometimes, delaying the inevitable is only human? Perhaps. I wouldn't know. And I don't care.
I would lie. I do. But I would do it so much more often if you promised me I would get away with it. But then again, I would probably not believe you. So why try? "Lie or be lied to". "Deceive or be deceived". And it doesn't make you noble if you go ahead and try to prove the whole world wrong. It makes you stupid. Are you listening Mave dear? Never noble. Only stupid. We were so young. Everyone was, but does that mean it's not an excuse anymore?
I know I'm rambling. I may also be ranting. But it's past four in the morning. And I'm tired. And most importantly, typing has become so much easier than writing. I think that's fucked up. I really do. But, whatever works. And whatever works worked so long that I don't want to mess with it.
Even though that implies that I shouldn't have meddled with a lot of things that were moving along just fine. I guess that means we were right. We would mess up everything we had. Which is cool, because it was all about delaying the inevitable. There was a point made about this, wasn't there?
I could go on forever. I probably would, if it wasn't for the decision that has to be made now. Get a couple of hours of sleep or stay awake till it's time to leave. And that is so silly-ly profound, it's not even funny.
It's not fair that words and songs and quotes and memories get associated with people who you once knew. And it's pretty retarded to say that memories shouldn't do that, but it still isn't fair, because it makes you feel guilty about forgetting. Like getting flowers. Unless they're dead, but that's pretty retarded too.
I should sleep. I think I shall go now.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The longer you try to keep me here
The further I will make sure to go
You can lock me in your highest towers
I'll always have a forgotten window
All the lies that I'm soaked in
And all that you call love
is nothing but empty sin
that I can't seem to rise above
And you say that blood is thicker than water
Well, that doesn't mean a thing
I refuse to be your pretty golden caged bird
and I refuse to fucking sing
The further I will make sure to go
You can lock me in your highest towers
I'll always have a forgotten window
All the lies that I'm soaked in
And all that you call love
is nothing but empty sin
that I can't seem to rise above
And you say that blood is thicker than water
Well, that doesn't mean a thing
I refuse to be your pretty golden caged bird
and I refuse to fucking sing
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Rambling
I got lost today. And not just this-way-or-that-way kinda lost. I'm talking lost as in across two sectors and a couple of main roads lost. Sigh. I really need to work on my sense of direction. Ended up asking this random fruit seller where my sector was. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me I was walking in the wrong direction and had to go all the way back. It was pretty annoying. Especially because I could have comfortably smoked all my cigarettes. Instead, I ended up breaking another self-made rule. And an important one. Never bring a cigarette home. I'm just asking for trouble...
Other then the adventure of the day, life's been pretty tame for the last few days. I can't believe I'll be back in college in a week. Darn repeats. It would have been so sweet otherwise. And I haven't read a word. Stupid consti. grrr. However, considering the fact that I'll have enough time to bitch and moan about this when I get back, I think I shall just stop thinking about it for now. ^_^
There's this new comic I'm reading. It's called "Nothing Better". It's about a couple of dysfunctional room-mates at college. It's a nice read, but the problem is that at most points our lives seem more interesting. Haha. College spoils me. ;)
Also, I've been doing a lot of thinking. (AND a lot of facebooking, but well, that aside for now.) I just need to get the repeats out of the way this trimester. I'm bored. I need to do something, or I shall wither up and die... And I need a distraction... Oh well, thankfully, that's jus not ever a problem when you're in college.
Hmmm, Maybe it's time I made a few new playlists too. I mean seriously, what kind of black cloud was my brain wallowing in when I made this one??? They're all nice songs, but all I seem to do now is go into a blue funk whenever I start iTunes. I mean, Air Supply are great and everything, but still... I think I'll become a Third Eye Blind person for good. I like them. They talk about the saddest things really chirpily. It makes you laugh. If there's anything I like better than cold-sadness, it's comic tragedy!
Wow, this post has turned out to be just me rambling. Oh! We gave the dog a bath today. I should write a complete post on that sometime. It's an entire event by itself! We even have different people in charge of different parts of the ritual. *laughs*
Hmmm. I'm going to go see a movie tomorrow. With Flighty. Will also update him on my latest sins I suppose. I mean, that is all we seem to do. Discuss the recent messes we have gotten ourselves into and then point at each other, laugh and do the "Haha! Your's is worse!" routine. It makes for good confession times.
I saw Sweet November today. And I finally managed to see the end. I see what Miss Sunshine means. You know... when you understand why the character is doing whatever he/she is doing, but you still want to hit him/her on the head with the biggest rock you can find. And I figured out a new angle to my already-too-many-angles-to-be-anything-but-a-fucking-circle story. Does it help? I don't know anymore. And honestly, I'm almost beyond caring. Fuck it dude. I tried. That's all. I may not have tried hard enough or whatever, but I just don't give a rat's ass anymore. (Yes, okay, maybe I'm just mad right now. or maybe I'm not. Whatever.)
That's all for now I guess. I leave in 6 days. That's not all that much longer. And once I'm back... well, let's just say I have all the aspirin I need. ;)
Later!
Other then the adventure of the day, life's been pretty tame for the last few days. I can't believe I'll be back in college in a week. Darn repeats. It would have been so sweet otherwise. And I haven't read a word. Stupid consti. grrr. However, considering the fact that I'll have enough time to bitch and moan about this when I get back, I think I shall just stop thinking about it for now. ^_^
There's this new comic I'm reading. It's called "Nothing Better". It's about a couple of dysfunctional room-mates at college. It's a nice read, but the problem is that at most points our lives seem more interesting. Haha. College spoils me. ;)
Also, I've been doing a lot of thinking. (AND a lot of facebooking, but well, that aside for now.) I just need to get the repeats out of the way this trimester. I'm bored. I need to do something, or I shall wither up and die... And I need a distraction... Oh well, thankfully, that's jus not ever a problem when you're in college.
Hmmm, Maybe it's time I made a few new playlists too. I mean seriously, what kind of black cloud was my brain wallowing in when I made this one??? They're all nice songs, but all I seem to do now is go into a blue funk whenever I start iTunes. I mean, Air Supply are great and everything, but still... I think I'll become a Third Eye Blind person for good. I like them. They talk about the saddest things really chirpily. It makes you laugh. If there's anything I like better than cold-sadness, it's comic tragedy!
Wow, this post has turned out to be just me rambling. Oh! We gave the dog a bath today. I should write a complete post on that sometime. It's an entire event by itself! We even have different people in charge of different parts of the ritual. *laughs*
Hmmm. I'm going to go see a movie tomorrow. With Flighty. Will also update him on my latest sins I suppose. I mean, that is all we seem to do. Discuss the recent messes we have gotten ourselves into and then point at each other, laugh and do the "Haha! Your's is worse!" routine. It makes for good confession times.
I saw Sweet November today. And I finally managed to see the end. I see what Miss Sunshine means. You know... when you understand why the character is doing whatever he/she is doing, but you still want to hit him/her on the head with the biggest rock you can find. And I figured out a new angle to my already-too-many-angles-to-be-anything-but-a-fucking-circle story. Does it help? I don't know anymore. And honestly, I'm almost beyond caring. Fuck it dude. I tried. That's all. I may not have tried hard enough or whatever, but I just don't give a rat's ass anymore. (Yes, okay, maybe I'm just mad right now. or maybe I'm not. Whatever.)
That's all for now I guess. I leave in 6 days. That's not all that much longer. And once I'm back... well, let's just say I have all the aspirin I need. ;)
Later!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Cycles and Spirals
Step 1.
You decide you may as well give it another shot. You pick up the pieces and start rebuilding your castle of cards.
Step 2.
Things seem to be working out. You grin and pat yourself on the back for making a "good" decision. You sleep well. You've got the foundation ready. A few more cards and you can make the next story.
Step 3.
Things start to get muddled up again. You worry for a bit, but then walk on forward determined. No way are you giving up now!!! Another layer of cards is added.
Step 4.
You run around in circles as a wind starts to blow. You try and protect your card building with your arms loosely around the sleepy clueless structure.
Step 5.
A card falls. You turn and blink and hope and pray... and then watch as everything falls apart.
Step 6.
You sit on the floor in the dark room, cards fallen all around you. You feel dejected, lost and defeated. And you don't know what to do...
Step 7.
A slight wind blows. A card flutters in the wind and falls into your half-open hand. You sigh and pick it up.
An Ace of Spades.
Step 8.
You laugh.
Step 9.
You study the card
Step 10.
You cry
Step 11.
You laugh again
Step 12.
Repeat Steps 8 to 10 till comfortable in the circle. And till certain that it is a sign.
Step 13.
Go back to Step 1.
There's a difference between a cycle and a spiral.
A cycle is repetitive and monotonus.
A Spiral usually ends in a crash or a drowning.
But still...
A spiral ends.
And this?
This is a fucking circle.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Not my decision
And so it begins.
Again.
The same old circle.
Spiral.
Tornado.
The same fucking story.
Whatever.
I don't care anymore.
I won't care anymore.
It's supposed to be over.
The decision wasn't mine to make in the first place, was it?
Never was...
But I accepted it.
I made my peace.
I'm done.
I refuse to fall back into the same role.
That movie's over.
I don't want to play that character anymore.
She's not who I am.
I'm not who she was.
I'm who she became, and she doesn't belong in this story anymore.
....
...Not like that's going to change anything.
Everything is still going to happen as it wants to.
Or whatever wants it to.
Or whoever the hell wants it to.
I don't fucking know.
It's not my decision to make.
I can only decide whether to care or not.
And I've made my choice.
----------------
Now playing: 10 - Call Me Call Me?STEVE CONTE
via FoxyTunes
Again.
The same old circle.
Spiral.
Tornado.
The same fucking story.
Whatever.
I don't care anymore.
I won't care anymore.
It's supposed to be over.
The decision wasn't mine to make in the first place, was it?
Never was...
But I accepted it.
I made my peace.
I'm done.
I refuse to fall back into the same role.
That movie's over.
I don't want to play that character anymore.
She's not who I am.
I'm not who she was.
I'm who she became, and she doesn't belong in this story anymore.
....
...Not like that's going to change anything.
Everything is still going to happen as it wants to.
Or whatever wants it to.
Or whoever the hell wants it to.
I don't fucking know.
It's not my decision to make.
I can only decide whether to care or not.
And I've made my choice.
----------------
Now playing: 10 - Call Me Call Me?STEVE CONTE
via FoxyTunes
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