Them and us...

They tell me I shouldn't post these posts when I'm high. "They" include me; me when I'm sober. Sober like the blue skies above before pollution hits you. I like analogies. No, scratch that. I love analogies. If I had to describe my life, I could do it in so many ways, all thanks to analogies!!!

They come, they go, you remember so liittle...

I dunno.

For the longest time ever, I was so mad at myself because I would have these heart to hearts with people and we'd both spill our life's worth of secrets (more or less) and it would SUCK coz they would remember and I never could... but finally I realized that it didn't really matter... coz even though I may not remember what exactly they said, what I thought of them would strengthen or change in those conversations and.. well, screw the details, I'd remember how I felt... and what they now meant to me... and I'm finally okay with that.

See? Things change... A year ago... I was a child who couldn't get to class unless she had two shots of rum... Moved on to not being able to stand class till I had a smoke... and now, class is only bearable if I've had some green. I dunno, is this progression or degradation?

See... This is exactly why I should not post when I'm high... But it doesn't really matter, does it? I dunno. I guess tomorrow will tell...

Tonight was Jam Night. And it was AWESOME! So much fun... I played the drums. Randomly. Don't know what the heck I was doing! But it was cool! Must learn... If not the guitar, at least the drums. It's a completely different high dude. Couldn't explain even if I could... if you know what I mean... lol... I sure don't!

So here's to another night of completely random fun. ^_^ When you can laugh even though you're probably losing the frikking year!... you know life isn't all that bad...

Umm... anyhow... spoke to dad about The Pilot... and finally realized in the middle of the awkward explanation offered... You keep things from me to protect me, and I do the same... Have no locus anymore dear dad, so chill... Won't ever bother you about the same...

The Pilot

How long has it been? 10 years? Longer?

My memories of him are like little video clips. A few instances that always show up in my head like a google search results page if someone is to say his name...

When we first met, The Pilot was a cocky little boy of 8. He was a year below me in school, but we never met there. I knew him because his dad and mine were part of the same unit and we lived in the same building. We spent every squadron party the same way - convincing our parents to unlock the airplanes so that we could sit inside and then pretend we were out saving the world.

The Pilot knew the ranking system followed by the Navy, Army and Airforce. He was a sharp kid and we'd fight at least once in every single one of those 'parties'. Usually it was over who would be the Pilot and who would be the co-pilot.

I remember this once, we were at the Club and we got into a pretty bad fight. I say pretty bad coz he threw up at the end of it and I was in serious trouble. This other time he and another friend of ours chased me up the stairs with cricket wickets and we all beat each other up quite well. Yep, we were violent 9 year olds. But he was the first person who ever told me I'd "earned" his respect (And of course expected me to be honored).

We lost touch like Naval children always do. Safe in the knowledge that you always meet again. Inevitably. I never did send him a mail, though he did - and does - pop up in memories as people always do when they were from a happier time. I never even looked for him on facebook...

It bothers me that someone who I once knew so well moved away, grew up and died without me even knowing what his favorite band was or whether or not he believed in God.

I can't help it. The videos won't stop. I remember this other time, we were at some fancey hotel for some farewell party. Us kids locked ourselves in the huge bathroom and rolled up tissue paper, dipped them in freezing water and chucked them at each other from opposite sides of the room, pretending we were at war. More trouble. And the two of us were always in the most trouble because we were the oldest. Ah, the number of "setting an example" lectures we've heard is unbelievable. (The same party, to get back at him for something, I poured vinegar and chilli sauces in a glass and told him it was pepsi. He drank it. I will NEVER forget that look on his face.)

I can't help but laugh as I read through everything I've written. It sounds more like we were enemies than any sort of friends. But that's not true. I remember the countless evenings we spent playing 'FBI' in the building. Myself, The Pilot, and this other friend of ours were the FBI and four or five younger children would be the bad guys. The community hall on the tenth floor was where our HeadQuarters were located and the 'terrorists' could go anywhere they pleased. We had to bring them back to the HQ. Any way we could. I remember running down the stairs, floor after floor, making sure it was 'clear'. Summer Holidays have never been so much fun since.

The kid with the unbeatable tazzo collection. Those little flippy things they used to give you with Lays. He was the only guy in the building who crossed 400 without counting sibling tazzos (He was an only child). Well, till the day he woke up and declared he didn't want to collect them anymore and gave them all away.

Thank you for all the fun times and the crazy moments. Thanks for making the summer hols so memorable. I didn't know the man you became. But I am not going to forget the boy I knew. Thank you for all the memories dude.

You were loved Pilot... and you will be missed. Fly high dude...

Untitled

It's a Saturday. And for once, it's a Saturday with nothing much to do. This translates to a lot of mindless facebooking and youtubing along with a few hours of Southpark. On most days, I welcome the mindlessness. But today, I feel slightly... unsettled.

The problem being, I'm finally at peace (kind of anyhow) with the madness around, and precedent shows that this means something is going to happen. I know, I know, self-fulfilling prophecies and all that. But what can I say? That's the way it always has been. As soon as you start thinking "Dude. This isn't so bad. I can deal with this", the higher-powers-that-be grin and throw something that's sharp, gooey and sticky right at you.

It's a sort of corollary to the sequence of events following a "What else could go wrong?".

Life isn't all that Bad

I think a blog is a cross between a diary and a log, you know? Somewhere where you have to find the perfect balance between an account of events and thoughts on life and those events.

The last few days, I've been thinking. Or rather, I've been reflecting... and the conclusion I finally came to was... Dude, Life may be fucked up sometimes, it may be a real mess... but that doesn't mean it isn't good.

Right now, I don't really have much going for me. Not in the emo way. In the very practical daily life way. You know acads, home, those things... But, every day you just keep finding reasons to go on - not just existing - but actually living. Sure, it's still all bloody complicated. Enough to make me think I'm living in a poorly directed K-serial. But all those profound, crazy, spaz and even completely random moments... well, they make it all worth it.

Spent the day at Nesthead's place. We had Karaoke night today. I also missed a viva in a subject where the teacher and I are not exactly on the best of terms, for which I will be in LOTS of trouble tomorrow. My attendance is going into negative levels. My parents are breathing down my neck trying to convince me to intern in some hospital. I am now completely unsure of the equation I was trying to solve. AND my phone refuses to send messages.

But... I played poker for the first time today (the cell phone does not count), I had an amazing lunch. I have a bottle of warm comfort on my table. We sang "Wish you were here", "Strawberry Fields Forever", "Hey Jude" and "Yellow Submarine" at the karaoke thing. I played Age of Empires - Asian Dynasties - where I was Japan. Moreover, I just found out 30th is Jam night, I have a plan for New Year's eve and soon I will be home...

Life isn't all that bad... you know?

Merry Christmas

What did I do for Christmas?

Drank wine, Learned to play Table Tennis, spent a few hours after midnight sitting on a road and then waited for dawn on a roof. Oh, and also went walking in a botanical garden at 7 in the morning...

It was the most random evening ever. We spent most of the night in the gym of Rubix building playing pool and table tennis.

Maybe I should back up a little. The original plan for Christmas involved 4 of us, 5 liters of beer and an empty house. But then Rubix messaged in the middle of my Crim viva asking about Christmas plans. Thus, a little before 7 pm, Miss Sunshine, Resoluter, Harry Potter and I landed up at Pecos to meet Rubix.

Resoluter was making the wall sketches on tissue papers and Anthony, the waiter, kept coming over and showing us neat tricks. And if that wasn't enough, they played Bob Dylan's "Blowing in the Wind"! They even played "High Hopes". My day was made. ^_^

Then Rubix, Resoluter and Miss Sunshine decided we should go to Rubix' place and play pool. A few of us went and bought wine, while the others set out to buy food, and then we walked all the way to Rubix' home.

The next few hours were madness. Harry Potter was teaching me how to play Table Tennis, Resoluter and Rubix were playing Pool and Miss Sunshine was the "Wine-Girl". We played for hours! Then the table broke and we spent the next many minutes trying to put it back together.

At some point in the evening, I was convinced that I had just returned from a concert where Aldemen and I had argued about Janis Joplin's real age while she sang on stage. Don't ask. I also wanted to hit Resoluter on his head with a bottle of vodka because I was sure it was made of plastic. Hmmm. So maybe I wasn't as sober as I first thought. -_-

After a few hours of sitting on the road, smoking and arguing about different perspectives on trust and friends, we made our way to Rubix' roof, where some random guy yelled at us from across the street. Considering it wasn't even dawn and we were all singing at the top of our voices, I guess it was kinda our fault... Anyhow, Harry Potter yelled right back at him and then we decided it would be warmer - not to mention safer - if we sat on the lower roof.

We waited for dawn there. Huddled up together against the cold. Since it was too early for breakfast in town, we decided to go to MTR... where we were told we would have to wait for forty five minutes! To kill time, we went walking in the Botanical Garden. It was trippy. Early morning walkers and joggers were giving us the strangest looks and it didn't help matters that we were running around imitating the strange things people do in these morning walks. You know... like hold out your arms and walk around as if you were a plane, hop on one leg, spin while moving forward... That kinda thing.

After an hour of sunbathing (those three boys are very lazy) and a brief account of what I'd told Miss Sunshine the night before (like the Janis Joplin code of truth - once again... don't ask), we decided India Coffee House would be ready for us by now. Here, I spent a lot of time sandwiched between Resolution Boy and Rubix. We ate moving only our wrists!!! Not very comfortable. But it was fun.

After saying goodbye to Rubix and a long auto ride back 'home' - throughout which Res Boy kept sleeping - there was nothing to do but sleep. And sleep we did. 7 straight hours, followed by dinner, ice cream and 6 more hours of sleep. I had the merriest Christmas I have ever had!

And we didn't even need a tree!
^_*

The White Rabbit at Woodstock and Strawberry Fields

Every free moment I have had in the last 48 hours has been spent watching Woodstock '69 videos. 'White Rabbit' has been playing in the background no matter where I go. And now that I have my iPod, it kinda makes it easier to convert life into one continuous loopy music video. Pun intended.

Anyhow, what I realized today, was that though I've been blogging for quite a while, this is different. Completely so. Coz for the first time there are people I have met in the flesh who are reading what I post online. So half of me says I should watch what I write out here... and the other just repeats what it says for every single decision I want to make: "Eh... Doesn't matter". So well, lets just see how long this cautious guarded phase lasts.

Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was Woodstock. Dude... If someone was to come up to me and give me an option of going back to any point in the past on the condition that I die in three days... I would just go back to 69 dude... And my only regret would be not having that fourth day to sit back and, like, replay events in my head!

I remember, this Strawberry Fields, - I think it was the last night - one of the people sitting there looked up at all of us in turn and then said, "Dude... SF is like our very own Woodstock." And through that haze of beautifully lit up smoke, all that the voice in my head had to say was... I could not agree more...

Untitled

They all say they'll be there forever
but someone always has to leave
It's just three days of heaven
That you can hope for, wish for and when over; grieve
You stand there in line
but it's always just the same
No matter how much you loathe crowds
They're the only time you can claim
That everything feels like it's okay
That no matter what happens, you want to stay
And when you see it's the fourth day
You don't know what to say
Coz suddenly the dream is over
and once more you're awake
And no matter how much you tell yourself otherwise
Your dream felt a lot less fake
So you trudge about till next year
pretending to be the same
But you don't feel anything
Till November once again calls your name...

A Hindustan Times Article: Ah, that explains a lot...

http://www.hindustantimes.com/Frames.htm?pageid=http://www.htnext.in/news/5922_2158166,008700010014.htm


Law students more depressed than others

IANS
Sydney, September 19, 2008

Law students and lawyers suffer twice or even thrice as much psychological distress as medical students and others, according to a representative study conducted in Australia.

The study, conducted by the University of Sydney's Brain and Mind Research Institute (BMRI), included over 2,400 lawyers and 741 law students from 13 law schools.

Law students were found to have much higher rates of depression than medical students or other general students at the university. Significantly, law students were also found to be less knowledgeable about depression, but had greater concerns about alcohol and other substance misuse and greater reluctance to seek professional care.

They were more likely to expect that they would be discriminated against in the work place as a result of being recognised as a person with depression, a Sciencealert report said.

The study extends previous work done by the national depression initiative in 2007, which had demonstrated that lawyers reported higher levels of depression and substance misuse than other professionals.

In his presentation, Ian Hickie of BMRI emphasised that the willingness of the law schools, the Law Society and bar associations to support the study and go on to consider ways to greatly improve the situation was welcome and urgently needed.

Hickie presented the findings at the third annual Tristan Jepson Memorial Oration here Thursday.

Saying Goodbye and an Introduction

There are ten days left for this year to end. If last year was the year of discovery and freedom, this year could be called the year of revelations and acceptance. Or something along those lines.

Last year was full of first times... Actually, now that I think about it, so was 2008. And in a strange way, both these years were about saying goodbye. To different things, yes. But saying goodbye nevertheless.

Anyhow, this is supposed to be an introduction of sorts. Hence, Incense sticks are brilliant, I'm always late (No matter where I'm going) and I like the colors green and black.

Love v Peace

If you have all you love, you may learn peace someday...

If you are at peace, you may never feel the need for love...

If you were given a choice, what would you choose?

Love? or Peace?

Turn on, Tune in and Drop Out?

So, I'm 'on' and as of now tuned into channel "Make your own selves miserable". What am I doing in this place? I don't want to be a lawyer. I mean, it's not like I hate it... but there's no real love for the subject. I'm just less disinterested in it than I am in everything else. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life working with law.
*grins*
Pun intended... maybe!

Question: Why don't you just quit then?

Answer : Because taking up law was my decision and mine alone. In fact, it wasn't even a decision my near and 'dear' were very pleased with. Lets face it. I wanted to get to Law School. And unfortunately or fortunately, my father knows it had little to do with the subject and so much more to do with landing up in Bangalore.

Still, How can I tell my parents I don't wanna stay?! And besides, it's not like I have an alternate plan or anything. It's not like I can go up to them and say "Oh, guys. Sorry. Just realized it's not law that I'm interested in, but XXX (Astronomy, Biology, whatever).
Why?
Coz there is no XXX.

But the truth still remains that I didn't come here to do law. From the start, It was just about getting away. Well, I'm away from home now... but stupid blissfully ignorant me is just waking up to the fact that the whole world is more or less the same... At least in this dimension. Or society. Whatever you want to call it. The fact remains that I can't just walk up to my parents and tell 'em I'm sick of living like... well, who? People my parents would call respectable? Normal?

What am I doing? I'm studying something I don't care bout, in order to get a job I don't want so that I can make money I won't need to buy things I'm happier without!

I do have an alternate plan actually> Go to Goa/Gokarna/quiet place, open a small cafe like place, earn just enough money to keep a roof over my head and manage basic food and clothing stuff. I want to wake up each morning to the sound of the ocean and the birds... I want to work in a small quiet place where random people will come and go, where my life may not make any significant changes to the world... but it will be mine. Completely. I want to own myself. And I want to go to sleep tired and content. (Stoned would be an added benefit ^_*) Then why don't I just go ahead and go?

Because... because I don't know how to do that to my parents. Not yet. Because even though somewhere deep down I'm sure that it would be the better option, I don't know how to get that across. There's also the fact that it's contingent on other people, but I could work around that. I know I could... It matters, but it's a little bump in the ground compared to the volcano of an issue my parents will be...

So, I stay here. Stuck. reading things that mildly interest me - if I'm lucky, getting wasted ever so often, doing things I shouldn't be doing just because I shouldn't be doing them and so on.

It's like the TV is on, but the only signal I'm catching is mainstream society's... and it's so powerful that every time I try to tune in to any other channel, the societal signal keeps interfering with the new signal... leaving me with nothing but static. I know I'll have to try further frequencies. I know it's definitely out there somewhere.. but a little part of me tells me not to try... coz it's afraid that this is the only signal out there. And if I go too far - out of range - I'll be left with nothing but silence... and I won't be able to come back...

So I choose the known evil. Static. Always just at the edge, but never leaving coz I'm afraid I won't know the way back. And I may need to come back because I'm not sure if there's anything out there. And even if there is I don't know if I'll find it...

Turned on, but can't tune in till she drops out... Can't drop out till she finds where to drop out to. And can't find out where to drop out to till she tunes in.

The cycle continues.

And I stay stuck in the rut.

What now Mr. Leary? What now?

Untitled

I wish to write a story

But the characters have run away

The child has drowned in a pool of guilt

And the men are out to play

The boys, they try. And try again.

But they keep falling

For there is no light to guide the way

And the wicked witch is calling

She dances along the empty streets

Rousing many a sleeper from his bed

And they follow her down the old mountain road

Through the path of the dead

Oh and dead she is, has always been

And soon they will be too

And all the noise you hear at night

Is the waking of her immortal crew…

Wish You Were Here...

Dear Stan,

You are a fool to have left us so
Little Juna still goes to that field everyday
to wait for you
She doesn't believe us when we say you are not coming back
She believes in you
And you left...
Your mother sits on the porch all day
watching the tree you used to climb
Your father has never put down that glass
It is always full
He doesn't drink too much though
But it is his only companion
Whiskey still sits with hopeful eyes at the door
He wags his tail every single time a car drives up
and his ears droop each time he realizes it's not you...

And I?
I'm okay.
Life goes on
or as you would say "The show must go on"...
Well... it has...
except, no one cares anymore
And no one's around to make us laugh at ourselves
And we think about you a lot...

Your friends came by yesterday
It was your birthday
Not that I expect you to remember or care!
You never did when you were here
Well, we all sat together
We talked about days long gone by...
We talked about you
and how it was good that you finally got away from this place that bothered you so
...
But you left us here darling...

Remember how we used to sit in one circle and sing till dawn?
We did that last night
We missed you so
I would like to say no one cried...
but we did...
I did...
I'm sorry darling
I jus...
I just wish you were still here with us...
That's all...
Wish you were here...

...

Goodbye

She smiles at the setting sun
He gets on the train
She shivers and hides deeper in the huge blanket
He sits down next to a bunch of old men
She lights another cigarette
He goes out for a smoke
She takes another hit.
and she's out.

Goodbye...

Silence... Take It Away

The silence
It frightens me
It calls out
Always when I am vulnerable
About to fall
It calls
It drags me down to its center
Where I can hear nothing but it screaming
and how it wails

Silence is not a friend of mine
But she is my company

Take her away
Someone please take it away...

She Disappears...

She disappears.
Ye might want to listen to me boy
I know it's a dark and stormy night
and you want just shelter from the storm
But I know thy thoughts
I read thy mind
I know what thy doth chase

Thou may have courage
She may have promised you her heart
though she never did that when I was a young girl
Oh, such a pretty young girl I was
But that is another tale...

Have some ale poor traveler
eh, Though Seeker be a better name for you
So be dead

It doth not matter what your intention
or how pure thy love
She will trick you all
that snow maiden
We are mortals of fire
She fears for her heart
That heart of ice...

Sit ye down
And hear me out well
She will destroy ye
And she knows that
So let her go

She walks on that snow with nothing on her feet
Let her go...
She disappears
Let her go...
She belongs only to the moon
Let her go..

The ice will one day melt
but there is nothing you can do
Let her go...
Let her go...
Let her go...

She Laughed

It was too pretty a day to be sad
So she tied a red ribbon in her hair

and she laughed

Even though the walls kept shrinking
and the roof kept crumbling

She laughed

Even as the cold rain fell
and as the darkness grew

She laughed

Even as the world began to fade
and the snow began to fall

And then
When the last one was gone
She turned
put the chairs on the tables
Locked the doors
and sat down to cry

But she could not remember how to...

Him and Her - I

He walks straight to his room,
head slightly bowed.
Eyes on the floor.
No one is home.
But just in case...

Locking the door behind him
he sits on the floor
and sighs

Looking down at his once white school uniform
he decides
changing would be a good idea
He learned a long time ago
Blood on his clothes freaked his mother out
Even his father
when he himself wasn't the reason.

She walks into the house cautiously
announces her arrival
Is puzzled when no one replies
Then remembers they went out to see a movie
Sighs
Telling them about her grades could wait
Die another day starts playing in her head and she bangs her head against the wall to drive it out.
Stupid pop culture addict neighbors!

She gets grounded for a week
It doesn't really bother her
Her friends were getting annoying anyway
Lying on the floor on her back
she watches shadows dancing on the ceiling
and smiles
This was meant to be punishment?

Reasonably Content

Waking up early
+
New clothes
+
Getting to class in time
+
Being hauled up in class and answering the question put to you
-
Being asked to prepare a case analysis for no reason at all
+
Amma's
+
Concern
-
Being yelled at by a professor and threatened with the "strictest disciplinary action"
+
One normal conversation with a professor who you were certain was going to kill you
+
Smoking with a few friends
+
Getting to the shop just as it is closing
+
Getting out of a sweater
+
Chips and orange juice
+
The internet

=
A reasonably content I...

Nana

That's 9 episodes done.

Two girls end up sitting together on a train to Tokyo and find out they have loads in common, including their name - Nana...

They run into each other again when they're hunting for a place to live and decide to share a flat. The anime is stunning because of many reasons, especially the graphics and more importantly, the sound track. Wow. Whoever is Nana-the-singer's voice actor is stunning.

As for the "Nanas". They're both 20 years old. And they're both shifting to Tokyo. But that's pretty much where the similarity ends.

Nana-anime_dvd01

Nana 1 has strawberry blond hair and big hazel/brown/golden eyes. She's always excited and completely dependent on someone or the other. She's naive and child-like and falls in love with any one who is older and more "dependable" (whatever that means!). She's also been described as spoilt and selfish, but it really is in a harmless sorta way. As Nana 2 says, Nana 1 is like a puppy. "Friendly and obedient but always wanting atention". She's "run away" (sort of) from home and come to Tokyo so that she can be with her best friend and the guy she's in love with.

Nana 2 on the other hand, is... well... For starters, she has short dark hair. As for her eyes, they can be gray, blue, brown... Its really quite strange, but also somehow endearing. When she's upset, her eyes seem to go all wide and a light shade of gray. When she's angry or depressed, they're almost black. I dunno. She seems to be the more responsible of the two, but I've only begun the series and I think she's just as spaz in her own way. She always has a cigarette dangling from her lips and wears a leather jacket almost everywhere. Oh yes, and she is a vocalist for the recently disbanded "Blast".

What I love about the series is that there are so many little moments and scenes and words that just hit you, and you know exactly what it would feel like to be there, you know? Nana 1 has been narrating most of the episodes till now, and she sounds so ... grown up, and slightly sad... It draws you deeper into the show coz you keep wondering what happened to them.

Another reason to watch this anime. Ren. Hot. *grins* (For the guys, the two Nana's running around should be enough!)

As for the series itself, the amount of detail is refreshing. There's always something to make you grin. For example, episode 9, when Yasu is listening to Nana sing over the cell phone, he lights up right before a sign that reads "No Smoking". And he's a lawyer. *laughs*

I can not wait to find out what happens to everyone on the show.

More updates as I get the time.
Cya!
^_^

P.S. T_T. I know I totally can't write a review! Gomen Nasai. *bows* *teary eyed* I aim to improve!!! Anyhow, now I'm off to watch the first episode of Vampire Knight! Later!

Last to Know

Great.

I flunked land-law. That means I'm definitely failing history. Consti was always a sure thing.
Gah!!!

Three repeats once again!

*sigh*

These hols have not been nearly as long as they should have been. I don't wanna go back. Its not that I hate Law school. I just don't want to spend more time there. Then again, I don't have any other place to go. No wait. That has to be rephrased. I don't have any other place I want to go. Not anyplace define-able anyhow.

Dad left for some place today morning. He'll be back only after I've left, so I said goodbye. He said I had been "good" these hols. Whatever that means. But yeah, I do kinda get it. I have been 'good' these hols.

Spent lot of time at home. Gave the dog a bath. Filled water. Spent an entire day at the mall with my parents. There were really very few loud arguments. Ran errands (without much complaining). Didn't go out to meet 'friends' too often. Played cards almost every night with the family. Pretended to study.... You get the picture...

But what bugs me is, for some strange reason, I did all of it with a vague sense of finality. Like I was sure I wouldn't have this chance again. I dunno why... It doesn't exactly scare me or upset me. Just feels like its a fact half of me always knew and the other half quietly accepted. It's like I was just building memories. You know, 'perfect' happy moments mom n dad can always look back on. Hell, I think I'm also doing it for me. And I guess that means that a decision has been made again...
and once more, I am the last to know...

"Leave Me Alone"

Leave me alone...

Were those not your last words to me dear Sayuri?

They must have been.

I still remember that night you know...

It was really cold, and I could tell you had been crying.

I could have asked.

I should have said something.

Asked how you were doing, whether you needed anything, if everything was okay, anything!

Instead, I tilted my new hat at you and nodded.

And you smiled back.

Just a tiny little smile, but it made me really happy, you know?

That you cared enough to try and smile even though you were sad...

But I know you would have done the same for anyone who smiled at you...

Still, as you walked away in that light rain

with the dark shadows growing behind you as you walked further into the night in your black dress...

I thought that there was still some chance we could fix the mess we had made.

Thought things were finally getting better...

I didn't say a word.

And the next morning they told me you were dead.

Wait a minute Sayuri darling.

Let me pour myself a drink. Its been too long.

And where did I keep that damned matchbox?!

Sorry, where was I?

I remember the day we spent at the beach

It seems like such a long long time ago

Akane was there too, along with him.

That was nice.

We laughed a lot, All of us.

Sang silly songs all the way there and back.

And you spoke to me as if everything was fine.

As if nothing had been broken.

Like you could not see the past anymore.

And I don't know if that hurt or helped.

But I do know that I liked the way your dark hair flew about your pale face

and I liked the black dress you wore...

like the one you were wearing the last time I saw you...

Another drink Sayuri.

Just hold on.

No, I'm not drinking too much.

Just another shot...

You know what?

I wish I knew you before...

Before all the pills, and the drinking...

I know you'd be mad at me for saying this

I know you would say it would have been the same...

But would it have?

Maybe then you would have said you loved me

Maybe then I would have said the same...

Maybe I would have stopped by that night.

We wouldn't have had that stupid argument...

Do you remember that night?

I do.

I wish I didn't.

But now, I realize that it was the last time I ever heard your voice...

And so, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.

I won't be able to forget the screaming

the thunder

the shattering of the vase (the crystal one Inari gave you for your b'day)

the yelling

the tears that filled up in your eyes - the ones you rubbed away before they ever had a chance to fall...

I'll never forget the way you looked at me that night

The anger

the disbelief

and the pain...

Just leave me alone...

Want to know a secret?

It wasn't the screaming that made me leave...

It was that look.

Your words.

I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you...

and I realized I had.

Over and over,

So, I packed up my bags and left.

Didn't even kiss you goodbye.

Left you alone, with your "substances"

Left a shaky you trying to pour a drink into a glass.

Didn't even offer to help.

Didn't call.

Didn't bat an eyelid when that other guy moved in.

Didn't say a word to you when I ever ran into you anywhere.

Didn't say anything when I saw the first bruise.

Didn't listen to the rumors...

I didn't know.

I didn't know he hurt you.

I didn't want to know.

So... I didn't.

I don't know why I smiled at you last night Sayuri.

Maybe I thought it was finally time.

Maybe it was the fact that it was raining, and I always love you more when it rains.

But I didn't say a word...

Would things be different if I had spoken to you?

Would it have changed anything?

Would they still find your body in that bathtub?

I wonder what was the last thing you thought of...

Were you scared?

Did you close your eyes when you drew that line?

Did it hurt?

Leave me alone...

Those were your last words to me...

and I wish I had never listened...

Always a Dream

She turned around again, confused.

Left? or Right?

Up? or Down?

Here? Or There?

Shaking her head, she straightened up.

"This won't do!" she declared, to no one in particular.

"I must pick a direction!"

So, she closed her eyes and spun in a little circle with her right hand outstretched.

She opened her eyes to find herself looking at a dark forest.

"A dream!" she beamed.

A Bunny Rabbit hopped in the distance.

Maybe I'm dreaming of Alice in Wonderland.

All that spinning had made her dizzy so she lay down for a while...

But when she woke up, she heard voices.

Sitting up, she saw people were all around her; playing with the animals, swimming in the sea, sunbathing.

She shook her head sadly and got up to leave.

"Won't you stay?" asked the little blue eyed boy

She smiled at him and closed her eyes, spinning again.

Maybe she would just wake up this time...

But it was always a dream.

She never woke up

And she always had to leave...

Untitled

She looked up at the streetlight.

It seemed to shine into her soul.

Giggling softly, she tried pushing the beam away, but it didn't move.

She glared at it for a while and then slowly stepped out of its range.

Twirling, she laughed, and a lone star twinkled in the distant night sky.

She took a few steps forward, still smiling, and then froze, trying to remember why she was here.

She stood still for a long time.

At the center of the crossing.

The traffic lights fascinated her, especially when they changed colors.

Colors.

She liked colors.

Didn't she?...

She blinked, and then started walking again.

It wasn't exactly a straight line, but it wasn't a drunken walk either.

She remembered she was supposed to look out for policemen, but she didn't remember why.

Was she supposed to go to them?

Hide from them?

Ask them something?

Run as fast as she could?

Confused, she lit a cigarette.

"Smoking. Always smoking." she scolded herself like she was supposed to.

No.

Wait.

Wasn't that someone else?

Another drag, and a silly smile lit her face.

And she twirled again, dark hair clashing with falling rain.

Her laughter echoed softly in empty alleys

and she went around in little circles till she couldn't breathe anymore.

Tired knees hit the wet grass as she collapsed...

and a sob escaped her throat.

"Why do you cry, fair child?" he asked

As he knelt beside the girl

"I only want my memory

Its lost somewhere in this world"

They searched far and wide, but the memory was truly lost.

And then one day, it was already time for frost

So she shooed him and his sparrows to summer

and he cursed at the maiden as she bid him farewell...

But she hates him not

neither does she love

She only needs her memories to build

her stairway to the heavens above...

Till she finds those run-away memories, she needs to make new ones

So...

She laughs at the streetlights

coz they remind her of the sun

and how it will eventually destroy her.

And that could be called a memory, couldn't it?

The Price of Honesty

Imagine this:

You are walking down a crowded market road with your little brother. Because he's only 13, your mother has asked you to keep an eye on him. So that he doesn't get lost, or kidnapped. That kind of thing. It is quite crowded today. So you grumble and sigh but agree and have been keeping an eye on him all morning. He's been behaving, which is a good thing, but he's a good kid anyhow and you smile when you think of the ice-cream you're planning to reward him with at the end of this trip. It'll make him happy and he'll probably flash that happy silly smile at you. The one you keep making fun of, but secretly adore.

You buy some flowers for the project you're supposed to work on tonight while your little brother ogles at a gaming console at the other side of the street. Its getting late, so you decide to head back. You don't wanna be late for lunch after all. The place just seems to have gotten even more crowded and you urge your brother to hurry. A black motorcycle makes its way into the narrow street and you frown in annoyance. people move out of the way and you too take a step back, holding on to your little brother's hand. The black motorcycle makes its way slowly and carefully through the crowded street. As it nears, one of the two riders - who are both in black - drops a black polythene bag with what looked like a lunch box inside. Pulling his hand away from yours, your goody-two-shoes brother hops forward and picks it up. You look at him and roll your eyes in exasperation, but you can't help but feel proud of him. He's your little brother and he's turned out alright. You smile and think to yourself that perhaps you should buy him two cones of ice-cream instead of just one. You notice a nearby old lady smiling at your kid brother as he picks up the packet and turns to the bikers, and your pride soars even higher.

"Brother, your packet has fallen..."

Those are the last words you hear him say before the blast.

Those are the last words you ever hear him say...

_________________________________________________________________________________________

A thirteen year old boy was killed today in a Delhi market as he attempted to return a fallen packet to its owners. Unfortunately for the young sincere child, they did not want their "packet" which turned out to be a low intensity bomb. The last words heard by eyewitnesses and his relations were ‘brother, your packet has fallen.’

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/delhi-blast-honesty-turns-fatal-for-boy/366708/

My deepest condolences go to the family and friends of the child...

I Wonder

If you can still dream of dead people, can you dream a dead dream?

Silence

Sometimes the silence gets too loud
Deafening, scary, quiet
I try to shut it all out
but it makes its way in
Down to my soul
Twisting and turning like the sharpest blade
I'd scream just to destroy it
But I can't... and the silence never stops

The Ring

Sometimes I can't take the phone ringing
Over and over, it glows
I don't want to hear your voice
I don't want to talk
Leave me alone!
So, I pretend to be asleep
Pretend to be away
Because apologizing is so much easier
than forcing inside the pain
and then maybe I can believe
You won't call again...

A Hindustan Times Article: Ah, that explains a lot...

http://www.hindustantimes.com/Frames.htm?pageid=http://www.htnext.in/news/5922_2158166,008700010014.htm


Law students more depressed than others

IANS
Sydney, September 19, 2008

Law students and lawyers suffer twice or even thrice as much psychological distress as medical students and others, according to a representative study conducted in Australia.

The study, conducted by the University of Sydney's Brain and Mind Research Institute (BMRI), included over 2,400 lawyers and 741 law students from 13 law schools.

Law students were found to have much higher rates of depression than medical students or other general students at the university. Significantly, law students were also found to be less knowledgeable about depression, but had greater concerns about alcohol and other substance misuse and greater reluctance to seek professional care.

They were more likely to expect that they would be discriminated against in the work place as a result of being recognised as a person with depression, a Sciencealert report said.

The study extends previous work done by the national depression initiative in 2007, which had demonstrated that lawyers reported higher levels of depression and substance misuse than other professionals.

In his presentation, Ian Hickie of BMRI emphasised that the willingness of the law schools, the Law Society and bar associations to support the study and go on to consider ways to greatly improve the situation was welcome and urgently needed.

Hickie presented the findings at the third annual Tristan Jepson Memorial Oration here Thursday.

Pictures in Old Books

So do you hide your pictures of me?
Stuff them in the middle of your books
In old forgotten cartons,
And all the places she never looks?

Do you smile every time they play our song?
Or do you just close your eyes?
Do you think of farmhouses and laughter?
And cold darkening November skies?

Do you ever think of me?
And all the times that we had?
Do memories of me make you laugh?
Or do they only make you sad?

Did you ever read my letter?
The one I wrote right after we fought
I wanted you to know I was sorry
but in my pride I was caught...

Do you wonder if I still love you?
But I don't think that can be
I jus wrote this song coz, darling,
I was going through some old books you see...

A Journey of Two

You lie
I have no right to the truth
I lie
and you have no right to the truth
You yell
and I yell back
I yell
and you yell back
and then we laugh
You cry
and I tell you its going to be ok
I cry
and you tell me everything will be fine

You lie
and I pretend I don't know the truth
I hide the truth
and you tear me to pieces
I yell
and I apologize
You yell
and I still apologize
You cry
and I break
I cry
and you tell me it will be okay

You lie
and I stab you with words
I lie
and you don't know
You yell
and I yell back
I yell
and then shut down
You don't cry
...
I don't cry
...

You lie
I don't want to know...
I lie
you don't want to know
You yell
and I listen
I don't yell anymore
...
You cry
and I break
I cry...
but only when I'm alone...

In Response to a Friend's Well-Intentioned Arguments Against Smoking and Drinking

Its funny how people think that wanting to be "cool" is the only reason people drink or smoke. As a friend once told me, the line "You don't need drugs to be cool" is not even on the same plain as the supposed issue, because we know we don't need drugs to be cool! It's just for the high!!!

Its really tiring to have people walk in and out of your life muttering the same few words over and over "I don't get it", "Why would he/she do that?", "It must have been that break-up", "Do you think he/she has problems at home?" and the one I detest the most "He/She just wants people to like him/her"

Ok, point one, Not every shot of alcohol is taken after you fail an exam or get dumped. Sure, I won't deny that you drink then too, but lets concentrate on the word "too" here, shall we? And, I'd like to have explained to me, just how does smoking make you liked??? I mean, going by how the whole world is raging against nicotine right now, who in their right minds would start smoking to become popular???

People say it shouldn't be done because its "injurious" to one's "health" and is "a slow death". Well, So is life. ;) Jokes apart, I'd like to compare these "addictions" - as they are called - to sky diving or bungee jumping. See, you could die. Very painfully too. But you do it anyway. Why? For the rush!!! You don't launch yourself off a plane or a platform thinking "Hey, I'm sad, lets go do something that is most likely going to harm me terribly!!! Yippeee!!!"

And how many mortals are truly averse to coffee here? But since it isn't illegal, and since no moral brigade has started running around screaming "Death, Destruction, Substance of the Devil!!!", people don't mind.
Moreover, if we're going there, why not we stop using cars? They're causing air pollution. Lets cycle everywhere! And if health is that important, why not force everyone to go on a spinach eating, carrot munching, tomato juice drinking diet. That would be healthy!

Also, its silly to consider that someone is smoking because that is their only option. Smoking is, as a very wise person once told me, "Just an expensive way to kill yourself". What kind of retard would believe it is his/her only option to go out, buy cigarettes and smoke them every time?

Another statement that jumped out at me was "why intentionally would someone want to kill themselves" The term is suicidal. Lol. But that said, not every one who smokes, drinks or dopes is on a path to steady destruction. Some of "those" people actually do love their lives and would be very happy to live to be a hundred and three. They'd just be happier with a few drinks on the way, thats pretty much all.

And for the last time, not every one who smokes or drinks is doing it because the whole world "oppresses him" or because "he has no friends" and is "lonely" and truly, most of these people do not use it as a life support system!!! Believe it or not, some of these people ARE actually satisfied and content with their lives!

Self realization is brilliant, but us lesser mortals would rather kill some brain cells. Go figure.

Note:
The author just had a bad day and she does not intend to hurt anyone's "feelings".
As everyone knows, she does not smoke or drink. *pointed look aimed at friends*
Also, she is well aware that she went a little over-board here and there, but she swears it was all in good fun.

Most importantly, she would love if all those wannabe idiots who are the main cause of debates like this one [translation - the "oooh-I-wanna-smoke-so-everyone-will-think-I'm-so-cool" people] suffered from sudden attacks of the conscience and jumped off high roofs. Cliffs would be fine too. Deep wells would be preferred.

Torture

She didn't know why she had to torture herself so.
'Torture' she mused, a faint smile tugging at her lips. How dramatic. But it would be the apt word. What else could you call it?
It was like watchin the cooking special on TV the night you were dying of hunger and it was too late to buy anything to eat... or like reading your ex-boyfriend's letters, or even worse, reading your own diary's account of the most painful day of your life.
Yep, she thought, combing her rain-drenched hair. Torture was the perfect word...

She wondered if he had noticed though.
She frowned slightly, hoping that was not the case. It would be terrible if he had...
After all the work she had put into this facade, it would kill her knowing one tiny gesture of comfort made it all crash to the ground...
But he had been so upset...
She shook her head, and glared at herself in the mirror.
It was all for good.
Hers and his.
She was just glad she pulled her hand away before it rested on his shoulder...
Jus glad that she pulled it away before he raised his bowed head...
Just relieved that when he looked up at her, the pain had not made the hate vanish, just dimmed it for a while...
So relieved...
and so...

Thunder sounded in the distance, shaking her out of her reverie...
She smiled at her dismal reflection and ran the brush through her hair again.
Torture....