Aeternum vale

.

I don't understand why I feel like I'm going far away. Every day, so many things disappear into too-soon approaching horizons, and it feels like it's me who is receding into the icy waters. Except the colder it gets, the hotter I feel. There must be some way back. But which way is back?

If everything disappears, will I disappear too? If everything that makes up my very existence burns to smoldering ashes, will I burn too? If all that means anything comes to mean nothing, would anything mean anything ever again ?

Rule one: Stay in the abstract. Rule 2: Always remember. Rule 2, proviso: Remembering includes remembering to forget.

Why must everything always contradict everything else? Why is the "odd one out" the odd one out, when one is always odd anyway? Why does it all come down to numbers? Why must everything mean everything else? Why must everything mean nothing?

Why can't I find any answers? I don't know where to look. And everywhere is a very large place. I think I'm running out of time. I wish I knew where it all went. It's been twenty years, and every day, all I know is a little more of nothing.

I've stopped thinking. These are thoughts that keep escaping because I don't want to keep them in my head anymore. I can't, because I have no room for them.

They keep telling me to think back. But back to what? And with everyday, there's so much more to choose from. And I wasn't always me. I am not always me. But we get by with a little help from our friends. And a friend of the devil is a friend of mine.

I scare myself.

Temporary Revenge

rage

Sometimes, I want to let her. I want her to lose it, lash out, destroy. I want her to grab that wheel and drive us all into the water, through the silly little fence-like wall, laughing as he screams at me to stop. I want to watch him beg. I won't stop. We'll only laugh. We'll laugh while his screams get louder and his pleas more frantic. We'll laugh when we hit the water. And laugh harder as we sink all the way to the murky bottom, water filling up slowly in his precious new car, filling up his lungs. I'll laugh as we watch him die.

And sometimes, I almost do.

But then... she'd have won.
So I don't move. I jus' sit and stare at nothing at all, in silence, because I know it kills her. I know it does... and that's enough for me. It's revenge enough... for now. It doesn't matter that in the process I'm hurting us as well. It's worth it... for now...

Sometimes, I still wish I had let her...

Golden

Butterflies of black
You speak of death
But the ones that are golden always scared me more
So much more...

Just a little more...

So red
So very impure
Right and wrong
I don't know anymore

And she knows
Just one more time
was what he always said
Just one more time
is all she repeats in her head

A little more, A little more
To keep me off the floor
I am fine, I'm okay
Just one more time today

Truth and deception
deception and lies
Are mere mocking words
My, how time flies

She remembers
Gaunt eyes
with the same old dying light
Sparks of hope
that she watched fade into the night

A little more, A little more
To keep me off the floor
I am fine, I'm okay
Just one last time today