Saturday, December 13, 2008

Turn on, Tune in and Drop Out?

So, I'm 'on' and as of now tuned into channel "Make your own selves miserable". What am I doing in this place? I don't want to be a lawyer. I mean, it's not like I hate it... but there's no real love for the subject. I'm just less disinterested in it than I am in everything else. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life working with law.
Pun intended... maybe!

Question: Why don't you just quit then?

Answer : Because taking up law was my decision and mine alone. In fact, it wasn't even a decision my near and 'dear' were very pleased with. Lets face it. I wanted to get to Law School. And unfortunately or fortunately, my father knows it had little to do with the subject and so much more to do with landing up in Bangalore.

Still, How can I tell my parents I don't wanna stay?! And besides, it's not like I have an alternate plan or anything. It's not like I can go up to them and say "Oh, guys. Sorry. Just realized it's not law that I'm interested in, but XXX (Astronomy, Biology, whatever).
Coz there is no XXX.

But the truth still remains that I didn't come here to do law. From the start, It was just about getting away. Well, I'm away from home now... but stupid blissfully ignorant me is just waking up to the fact that the whole world is more or less the same... At least in this dimension. Or society. Whatever you want to call it. The fact remains that I can't just walk up to my parents and tell 'em I'm sick of living like... well, who? People my parents would call respectable? Normal?

What am I doing? I'm studying something I don't care bout, in order to get a job I don't want so that I can make money I won't need to buy things I'm happier without!

I do have an alternate plan actually> Go to Goa/Gokarna/quiet place, open a small cafe like place, earn just enough money to keep a roof over my head and manage basic food and clothing stuff. I want to wake up each morning to the sound of the ocean and the birds... I want to work in a small quiet place where random people will come and go, where my life may not make any significant changes to the world... but it will be mine. Completely. I want to own myself. And I want to go to sleep tired and content. (Stoned would be an added benefit ^_*) Then why don't I just go ahead and go?

Because... because I don't know how to do that to my parents. Not yet. Because even though somewhere deep down I'm sure that it would be the better option, I don't know how to get that across. There's also the fact that it's contingent on other people, but I could work around that. I know I could... It matters, but it's a little bump in the ground compared to the volcano of an issue my parents will be...

So, I stay here. Stuck. reading things that mildly interest me - if I'm lucky, getting wasted ever so often, doing things I shouldn't be doing just because I shouldn't be doing them and so on.

It's like the TV is on, but the only signal I'm catching is mainstream society's... and it's so powerful that every time I try to tune in to any other channel, the societal signal keeps interfering with the new signal... leaving me with nothing but static. I know I'll have to try further frequencies. I know it's definitely out there somewhere.. but a little part of me tells me not to try... coz it's afraid that this is the only signal out there. And if I go too far - out of range - I'll be left with nothing but silence... and I won't be able to come back...

So I choose the known evil. Static. Always just at the edge, but never leaving coz I'm afraid I won't know the way back. And I may need to come back because I'm not sure if there's anything out there. And even if there is I don't know if I'll find it...

Turned on, but can't tune in till she drops out... Can't drop out till she finds where to drop out to. And can't find out where to drop out to till she tunes in.

The cycle continues.

And I stay stuck in the rut.

What now Mr. Leary? What now?


  1. Hmm.. well I for one have realised that as long as one does not hate law with a passion one can do well with it. I have grown into it and I dont find the idea of being a lawyer uncomfortable like I did 2 years back.

    It's a long life ahead. This is just a stepping stone, and its never a one way path. It's never too late, there are always options.

  2. Hmm, this reminds me a lot of some of my own posts from last year...similar doubts, similar worries...Sigh, at least it's over now