Last Resort

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It isn't like I chose this. I picked everything else first. And everything failed.
This is my last resort.
It's all I can do. I travel at the speed of light... but I can never leave this place.

Everything has its limits.

Does it?

I want to know.
I need to know...

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Now playing: Elliott Smith - Between The Bars
via FoxyTunes

Where is my mind?

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I find myself thinking of winter, as I once did all through the year. Winter is my favorite season. Even the things that go wrong don't bother you as much as they do in the summer. I'm sure it has something to do with the sun. I suppose, in winter, the cold helps.

Monsoons are for pleasant melancholy mornings spent listening to the sounds of the skies rumbling above the music, wondering why you aren't in class. This attendance issue is really beginning to bother me. I don't understand why it's so hard just to get to class. It's just that I'm so weary...

I think it's a dark night. Not that I'd dare venture on to the terrace. I wouldn't come back for too long. And then I'd have trouble getting to class tomorrow too.

I should get some research done for my history consultation. I think today was the last day. And I also have to get a medical certificate.

I spoke to Emma a few nights ago. I remember the base with its safe walls. I remember the base with its iron bars. The golf course, counting stars. It was a fun time. And "My back pages" is playing now. ^_^ I love it when situation-fitting music plays. I was so much older then, I am younger than that now. I remember the frantic phone calls and sneaking out. The webs of million lies we all got ourselves entangled in; things that were so much bigger than any of us. Than all of us... It feels so strange to think back. I can still see Foreshore Road in my mind. That infinite stretch of blackness with dots of lights glowing along the water's edge. I remember every tree, every turn, every sign-post...

But dwelling on the past isn't something you can afford to do when the present is constantly turning into the past at a pace you can barely keep up with. And I've left those days so far behind. Survival is of primary importance. There isn't any place in this world for the things we dreamed of. And the things we thought we were fighting for... well, they never existed in the first place. I won't lie, it had it's own charm. The feeling that we were actually making some sort of difference. The problem is, in hindsight, I see the mistakes we made glow brighter than the things we did right. And it's a painful realization to have; that we are still living with the consequences of our actions as naive children who thought they'd seen the world. What does a night-owl know about the beauty of dawn? What does a bat know about the wrath of the sun? Mere glimpses. Next to nothing.

I think the last two years are catching up to me. It was bound to happen, and I'm just surprised it took so long. Miss Sunshine, in a moment of profundity, recently said "I don't know why, but this feels like the end." The world is ending, darling. For if something is changed to such a degree that it has next to nothing left of the original matter, it isn't called an amendment, it's an abrogation. And fundamental rights are all about the government and power. Politics.

Everything creeps up everywhere else and I'm getting lost in the million multicolored ribbons I'm using to connect it all. But at least I now know what near-total loss of control feels like. It's scary, but it is a rush.

Anyhow, I have wasted enough time. I really should try and read up some history. Goodnight folks. Hopefully, my next post won't be during class hours tomorrow.



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Now playing: Lounge Piranha - Gun Song
via FoxyTunes

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I really do not think I will be able to get out of this one without some serious damage. I suppose it's too late to start worrying about that now. It's also too late to do much, but... well, let's struggle as we drown, shall we?

Just Another Wednesday

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It's annoying how the closer a situation is to you, the harder it is to read clearly. Or maybe that's only the arrogance of the distant. Objectivity? That's just a word.

I missed first hour again. I think I could have made it, but I didn't leave. Also, sadly and gladly, I now have a new charger. I was supposed to go for my history consultation today, but considering I haven't read anything, I don't think that's happening.

Yuck, I'm just not in update mode right now.

I have half-an-hour before class and a bunch of things I could do. I should probably practice the chords I learned yesterday before I forget them.

Disjointed and pointless.
And that's Apt.



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Now playing: Velvet Underground - sunday morning
via FoxyTunes

Riding the Thermals

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"In a place like that, someone like you, can either climb ...or slide."
It really is your decision to make

But these claws weren't meant for holding on
and these wings weren't made to fly

We aren't falling, we're streaking across the skies, light from our shadows lighting up galaxies.

The universe is a large place

and there have to be more

Isn't one large enough to get lost in?
Isn't one small enough to always be found in?

Darkness helps, but I can't sail time up stream yet.
The wind's on our side though...
I suppose it's all we need.

Climb or slide?
Fly or fall?
I'm just gliding, sir.

And yes, I do know I'm on fire.

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Now playing: Bob Dylan - Knockin' On Heaven's Door
via FoxyTunes

Rules

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Life is all about rules.
First, learning them. Then, bending them. And finally, breaking the ones that you can't work around.
"You're wrong only if you get caught."
I hear you, sir.

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Change

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Desensitization, That's what it's all about. You just have to get used to things. And then they change, and you get used to the change. Adapt. Survive. It isn't all that dismal as I'm making it out to be, but I'm pretty annoyed with change right now. I feel like we're having dis-jointed conversations. Time's at fault, as always. It's been moving at funny speeds, and laughing at all the foolish humans who actually believe that it moves at a constant speed, in one direction. Ha.

I know I keep saying that the world's gone crazy, but you have to believe me when I say it's true. What kind of world has clothes hanging from wires strung between crosses on graves? A small black dog eating the food kept for the idols in a little shrine. Green castle, almost entirely non-existent. The sky is brighter with every passing night. I found a ten of spades thrown on one side of the road, while two packs of Spades and Clubs were scattered further ahead. There are advertisements on TV that encourage walking around while you're on the phone. And in a tiny font at the bottom of the screen runs a line saying something to the effect of "Talking on the cellphone while crossing busy roads and at intersections is advised against". There's a chick holding a country-wide competition where the winner shall marry her as the prize... and people actually volunteer to get humiliated along with her on National Television. We're at a point f time when you can't even smoke a cigarette in a pub. Closer to home, Nagarbhavi has had to have the alternate car parking boards put up. There are strange people everywhere, with their loud fast cars and their "super-bikes". And nowhere is safe...

How did it come to this? When did all of this happen? I feel like I'm back home after a long vacation only to find out half my friends have gotten married, while the others have changed jobs or are in jail. I don't understand how I didn't see it happen. Was it really so sudden? I wouldn't know... Time. Maybe it's been happening throughout, and I just never noticed...

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